You

[Uncle Buck]

Another member of this board "October" sugested I post this here instead of where I did. This of course is a letter to my niece I can never send her but somehow putting it here helps. I understand that a lot of you people are recovering from the damage an N has done to you...trust me I feel your pain deeply but just wanted to tell my niece somehow that I understand and I forgive her even though I must keep my distance or at least try. I hope I don't offend anyone:


 I have often wondered what it is you would want for yourself.
I know you are hurt and confused I also know you have felt that way for a very long time. It has nothing to do with me of course as it has nothing to do with anyone really….it all has to do with you. I what for her as she wants for herself as much as I love her. You can’t hear me can you? Your life is full of protection from the things that could be real and beautiful and yes there is pain in real life but you already know of the pain…..the tremendous and relentless pain, the self loathing that you work so hard to stay away from and the gut wrenching shame that follows you everywhere. No one can reach you, sooth you or even for a second make your world a friendly and comfortable place of acceptance, trust and love. I know you can’t hear what I’m saying to you and will look on all this as just more of poor Uncles sicknesses but you will not feel anything for me really not perhaps that you wouldn’t like to but because you can’t. You are too afraid to let the draw bridge down for even a second less the hungry fire breathing dragon will enter your world and completely destroy you and expose you in your stark nakedness and deep shame. You will die first and sadly though there may be many people who care about you engulfing and encircling you when your time on this earth is complete you will die lost and alone and truly feel misunderstood, afraid and unloved. You will not find love or peace on this planet for you can not understand the sickness of your mind that traps you from seeking the very things that could save you. Trust, love, understanding and empathy those things you have learned to fake well but never really had or ever will. It is not your fault it is the narcissism, your affliction your brain that stops you from living and being a whole person instead of the moody easily angered and unforgiving soul that you have been forced to be. It is in the cruelty of your words and the sharpness of your reaching hurt that shows just how much pain you are in and you won’t take a hand from someone who loves you deeply to pull yourself from the quicksand because you are unable to admit it to yourself in the first place. There are some things worse than death….this narcissism is one of those things and ironically you can not find a sympathetic ear or heart to forgive you because you abuse them so if they come even remotely close to you. You can only pretend out of fear you have been found out and out of self interest and your own preservation, you will temporarily fain depth and empathy for someone else. It is indeed the people who feed your demons or the one’s that are most threatening to uncover you that you treat at any given time with respect or dignity as a human being and this is all perfectly justified in your mind. I love you Sally even though you will never be able to love me back because of the cancer in your mind. If indeed there is a god of intervention that god is your only hope. If there is a god of intervention I beg of that god to help you and make you whole. Not for me but for you because no one should be forced to bare such torturous emptiness of a soul. I can only pray for you these things of freedom.

[October]

This of course is a letter to my niece I can never send her but somehow putting it here helps. I understand that a lot of you people are recovering from the damage an N has done to you...trust me I feel your pain deeply but just wanted to tell my niece somehow that I understand and I forgive her even though I must keep my distance or at least try. I hope I don't offend anyone:

People here are not easily offended, Uncle Buck.  Nice to meet you, and I hope you find a lot of peace here.  

Having written about your niece, how about you?  How are you coping?  I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you cannot feel my pain.  Any pain you feel is your own, and needs to be embraced as such.

[Uncle Buck]

Hi October,

Yes I understand what you mean about my pain being my own and that I can not feel yours. I guess I have known that for while and used to hate it when people would say to me I know how you feel. My apologies.

 How am I doing….well I have not had the heart to distance myself from my niece as yet although a therapist recommended very strongly I did so after describing to him some of the interchanges I have had with my niece…..he did not tell me why however but suspect he recognized the symptoms from what I described to him. This is all very new to me and I would like to be very wrong about her but all the symptoms exist.  At times it is very difficult as I have some of my own emotional issues to deal with and the line blurs for me sometimes about weather my niece is seeing things correctly in me or the N is taking over her communications. But I am positive at times from cold and heartless observations that are not true of my self and others the N plays a major role in her life and interaction within our family.

She often leaves me and others in self doubt and tears of hurt and frustration and confronting her about anything of that nature just brings up the “you’re overly emotional and there are things wrong with you” response. Sometimes I even find myself walking head long into what I know will start her off to just keep retesting the things I already know will be. Because I am hoping for a different outcome this time…I am hoping for a comforting response instead of you’re wrong and dumb and will never be happy unless response. But it is never there. She never stops to consider what her words do to other people, she will never cut slack for anything less then her perfection….she never practices human empathy. She is also very logical and at times she tells me the truth about what she feels and sees as being correct but you must agree or you are wrong somehow even if she says nothing which is rare and is still very painful.

 I’m not saying my niece or anyone else should sit there and tell me lies about only what I wish to hear for certainly that is of no help to anyone. I do not expect the world to coddle me in kid gloves and tell me all of what I believe is truth and correct. I do expect for people not to willfully inflict adverse insult and deliberate mental suffering for the simple reason of disagreement. At other times my niece seems to be such a good person full of laughter and hope and smiles and “seemingly” good intention and will to others….but it is either usually short lived or brief contact with always the underline of self advancement in some way or form. She is clever and intelligent and she is very pretty…..my heart is so shattered and confused I don’t know what I am to do. This is blood of my blood….my sisters little girl I watched her grow into what looks like to the rest of the world as an independent self assured young lady.

From what I have read here and at other places around the net she is definitely narcissistic and what other things I have read say she can not be helped. I have always believed that there is no problem without a solution but I guess that is just childish naivety. For it looks like this is a personality disorder that can not be cured or even treated successfully this brings me to my knees and shreds the remaining parts of my very being.

I don’t care what she dose to me but the pain she is in is unjust but any measure of conciseness. How could nature be so cruel? I will survive with or without my niece because I need too survive and poses the cognitive skills necessary to do so no matter how confused they may be but she will face turmoil, disappointment, frustration and bitter resentment from a world she can not even comprehend let alone repair. So if these perceptions of mine are accurate, what’s next? For me to seek the healing and abandon her to the cold and wicked winds of our society?  She fears that so much. What’s next?

Respectfully,
Uncle Buck

[Anonymous]

Uncle Buck,

What is your niece-uncle relationship like, that she can hurt you so much? I'm asking because I have a more 'formal' relationship with my aunts and uncles. We don't talk about emotions or anything.

bunny

[Uncle Buck]

My family has always been very close. For the most part we were all raised together and then as my sister starting becomming more and more of a drinker we started takeing the kids "we" my parents brother and I to trips to our home and many outings with me to amusment parks and the like. I became some what of a seoragate parent to my sisters kids. At least I felt like one. My other niece and nephew are emtoinaly attached to me as well as are my brothers kids and I had a fairly close relationship with an aunt and an uncle both decesed. So tight bonds in our family have always been the norm and it has proven for the most part to have been adventasous to us as we have been there many times for each other when we needed comfort or moral support. I hope this answers your question Bunny.

[bunny]

Uncle Buck,

I can see that your family is a lot closer than mine. But I am a bit confused about how a niece could create such a strong reaction. What is she doing? What's her relationship with her parents now? What is your relationship with her parents?


bunny

[Anonymous]

Uncle Buck,

How old is your niece?  Also sounds like your sister has a serious problem.

LM

[Uncle Buck]

My niece is 36 years old my sister has been recovering now for 14 years I am so proud of her accomplishments!!!

[Uncle Buck]

My niece's relationship with her mother is see/saw they see each other once or twice a month and most of the time are able to get along okay...but not always. I see my niece far more often a couple of times a week as she lives about ten mins. away from me and we often do lunch together. As long as I can keep the focus of our conversation on her all is pretty well but we do not far as well when we talk about others in the family or I talk a bit to long about myself. The niece can only seem to tolerate anyone in the family for a couple of hours or less after that she starts getting ansi and flys away which I guess is just as well. Again I ask what is next? Should I just leave her alone? Should I seek counseling to learn to deal with her or should I do nothing at all? Dose anyone know for sure or is this all different for different people? Perhaps you still need more information.....ask away.

[Anonymous]

Hi Buck,

So if these perceptions of mine are accurate, what’s next? For me to seek the healing and abandon her to the cold and wicked winds of our society?

Since she's 36 and presumably been like this sometime, what do you think you can do for her? Do you feel its in your power to convince her to change? Did your sister begin recovery because of someone else or because internally she decided to recover?
Its heartbreaking to watch someone ruin their life, but it doesn't help them to allow them to ruin yours also.
If she refuses to seek counseling or therapy, or refuses to acknowledge she has a problem then you are only harming yourself by wearing your heart on your sleeve for her.
I think your therapist is correct. Maybe if you create some space and set some boundaries as they're called, (lay down the law is how I would put it), she might reconsider her behavior. If she is capable of change it will only occur when she feels her behavior is costing her more than she wants to pay. Thats a big if.

Hope that is helpful.

mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

Uncle Buck,

How old are you and who do you live with?

LM

[Anonymous]

Well, my feeling is to leave her alone more; focus on other people; be less dependent on her company; get some therapy to deal with the loss and disappointment. You never know, maybe she feels oppressed by your needs (I'm guessing here) and if you distance yourself a bit, she will feel safer when you do get together. What do you think?

bunny

[Uncle Buck]

Hey MudPuppy...
Thanks for the stright shot....even though it dose go right through my heart (and my sleeve)...I kinda figured that was the answer. Just another one of lifes little surprises I guess. I think I'm gonna have to take that advise as it seems not only logicial but repetive from multipal sorces. Thanks to all of you for your help in trying to explain this baffeling thing to me. I wish you all peace of heart and mind.

Uncle Buck

[sleepyhead]

Welcome to the board, I hope you will find help and healing here, I know I have. I can sympathise with your situation. Although my mother has never been a mother to me, and have in fact been pretty horrible to me, I can't stop feeling sorry for her. She is so alone, she has so little meaning in her life, and in a few years she will have to retire, which will take away what passes as a life for her, as well as most of whatever little social life she has. At the same time I draed that day for myself as well, b/c I know she will turn more towards me and my sister for company, and I can't stand being around her. Didn't mean to make it all about me here, but I sometimes find it helpful to read other people's stories and finding similarities. My heart goes out to you and your pain, know that this is one place where you will be fully understood.

[Uncle Buck]

Well, my feeling is to leave her alone more; focus on other people; be less dependent on her company; get some therapy to deal with the loss and disappointment. You never know, maybe she feels oppressed by your needs (I'm guessing here) and if you distance yourself a bit, she will feel safer when you do get together. What do you think?

bunny

Thanks bunny for your sugestions....I guess you people do really care....it is that I have had so many losses this year. I don't want to go into it too much or I may inadvertely give away my nieces identity and she should not suffer any more than she is now. I'm sure you are right bunny she dose feel oppressed by my needs right now. I always end up trying to defend myself and start saying things I don't mean and are not me she gets me so confussed. Knowing she can never truely love me and will pick apart everything that has any meaning to me at all makes me just want to give up on her and count one more loss.

Uncle Buck