Thanks Rosencranz,
Your reply on compliments, etc., was enlightening. I'm trying to become more aware of how this type of exchange comes off.
Just to clarify, I found the K teacher's approach very helpful in pointing out that apologies are meant to repair relationships, not let one off the hook to do it again. That was a point made in the article as well. So I just wanted to add a specific example.
In addition, the playground incident was an example of another outcome. The supervisor indeed felt it was his place to enter the situation. He did want to make my daughter feel better. I credit him for that. However, there was no follow through (though plenty of opportunity) to immediate point out to the other child what went wrong and how to address it. Respect and appropriate conflict resolution is something that is emphasized a lot at our school. Instead, the message was that since X "can't help it" it was okay. The result, unfortunately, is that X doesn't learn to control himself. Instead, X learns that he gets away with bad behavior and learns himself that he can't be expected to control himself.
So it kinda pushed my button.
Are we not discussing in various ways, what is acceptable behavior and what is not? Sometimes I think one message that comes out in our culture (U.S.) over and over again is, if you have a great excuse, if you have been a victim of something terribly awful, you have license to treat other people any way you want. The world owes you, should make it up to you. In other words, entitlement. Caroline Myss courageously speaks out on this point in her book, Why Some People Don't Heal. "I hurt you because I have been hurt." And we end up apologizing to them!
Their wounds give them power. And isn't this what we are all struggling with? What victims are entitled to is compassion and understanding, yes, but not a blank check or exemption from socially accepted ways of treating each other.
When I read Viktor Frankl's Man' Search for Meaning, a point that jumped out at me was when he and others were finally released from a concentration camp, one former prisoner started destroying some crops in the field they were walking through. Frankl stopped him, saying something to the effect, just because we were abused doesn't give us the right to start abusing or destroying. Two wrongs do not make it right. It's very interesting reading and I highly recommend it to all. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage not to hit back. (Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird comes to mind.)
Well, gotta get off my soapbox. Thanks again, S.
