Nbrother ...

[October]

... arrived back home (with parents) for a week.  I went to visit.  He spent an hour eating a bacon sandwich and talking about his new haircut, and how cool it is.  He offered me a sandwich, and I took a bite, and said, 'yuck, there is mustard in it.  I don't like mustard.'  

(This is the same brother who brings me presents of jars of pickled garlic, and bottles of 30 year old rum.  Which I don't eat/drink.  He tries to get me to eat the garlic cloves whole, on their own.  What is it with these people and their preferences in food?  If they like it, there is no way you won't.  So they try to stuff it into your mouth for you.  He even tried to give garlic to our budgie.    )

He said, 'you should try it (mustard) on pikelets, it is really good.'  

I said, 'I am sure it is, if you like mustard.'  

So he said, 'no, you should try it, it is nice.'  

HELLO????????

Then mum says, 'shall I make you another one, without mustard?' and I said no thanks, I don't want another one.  I didn't really want that one.

(I never ever eat at her house.  Feeding people is part of how she controls those around her.  It is manipulative.  I am not sure how, but I sure as hell know it is.)

He and Nmum had conversation, and I sat there thinking, two Ns in a row, feeding one another.  Very happy.  Both talking about how long he slept last night, and what time he went to bed, and what time he got up again, and more about the hair.  Meanwhile, I sat there thinking, what is this all about?  Not even how are things, or have you both got over the terrible episode recently?

So, however you catch it, Nbrother has it.    Time for grieving of a kind, I think.  Something that I always suspected, but never saw so clearly before.

[Bliz]

Hi,
Working with a Nar brother and having grown up in a male centric nar family, I feel your pain.  It is all about externals for them, like the latest food trend etc.  My parents constantly pander to the men and the men to each other.  It is disgusting but my therapist says I have to give up ever thinking the treatment will be fair.  Not sure how I am going to do this but willing to give it a shot.  

It saddens me so deeply, as I have said here before, that my four darling nieces are being brought up in this environment. I shudder to think they may go through some of the things I went through, like low self esteem, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, abusive relationshps etc.  But, if you are taught that the men are always right and to acquiese and give up your power to them, what else could possibly lie ahead?

[October]

I shudder to think they may go through some of the things I went through, like low self esteem, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, abusive relationshps etc.  But, if you are taught that the men are always right and to acquiese and give up your power to them, what else could possibly lie ahead?

You are right.  Sounds like me too, apart from the alcohol abuse.  I didn't do that myself, I married into it.  

Thanks for commenting, and for being there.  I have disconnected a lot, but there seems to be no end to the need to disconnect further and further.

[Bliz]

If you can disconnect, that does seem to help.  You were able to disconnect while still within their presence as evident from your observations as to how insane the whole eating situation was.  That may be the real ticket if you have to have interaction...disconnecting and becoming an impartial observer around thier insane behavior.

[P as guest]

Hiya October

He even tried to give garlic to our budgie.

      and I bet the budgie wouldn't budge! Oh dear. What a little boy.

Feeding people is part of how she controls those around her. It is manipulative. I am not sure how, but I sure as hell know it is.

It is, I'm sure of it too. Feed people and then they are in debt to you. Or feed people and then bask in the 'look how caring and what a good providing mother I am' thing. Feed people and it creates a diversion from talking. No wonder so many people, women in particular, have problems with food.

Detaching might be easier if you don't see them so often. Can you see them less often?

Do you enjoy any aspect of visiting them? If not, don't do it so much. Invent some reason not to visit?

(mustard on pikelets was it? Please!   gross) Portia

[October]

disconnecting and becoming an impartial observer around thier insane behavior.

Yes.  I have mastered the art of disconnection.  

Sadly, I have not mastered the art of reconnection in situations which should be safe.  I stay disconnected.  But at least I am human.  It may not feel like it, but I am.  

[October]

Detaching might be easier if you don't see them so often. Can you see them less often?

Do you enjoy any aspect of visiting them? If not, don't do it so much. Invent some reason not to visit?

(mustard on pikelets was it? Please!   gross) Portia

It is getting less and less.  I live a couple of miles from mum and dad, but visit maybe twice a month.  I have a cup of tea, and then leave again.  They come her perhaps twice or three times a year; Christmas and birthdays.  

The only bit I enjoy is driving away again, thinking, what on earth did I come here for?  What it is I still think I might gain from this relationship?

Yep.  Mustard on pikelets.  No way I am ever trying that!!  I am sure you are right about the manipulative aspects of feeding.  Food is a huge issue.  Mum always wants to feed people, but she doesn't seem to take pleasure from it; the look on her face is one of malice, not pleasure.  It reminds me of the wicked witch and the apple in the story of Snow White.  No way I am touching anything there!!  Only time I do, is if dad has baked a cake.  That is such a rare event, and he is so pleased with himself, that I would eat it however it tasted, and normally it is ok.  But nothing from mum.  Not even a biscuit.

[Anonymous]

October:

I don't know if you watch the TV sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond?"  Marie (the mother in law)  does an excellent job of showing  how mothers control familys through cooking and food!  Sounds like  your mum.  Patz

[October]

October:

I don't know if you watch the TV sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond?"  Marie (the mother in law)  does an excellent job of showing  how mothers control familys through cooking and food!  Sounds like  your mum.  Patz

Yep.  I have seen it a couple of times, but will make a point of looking out for it  now.  Thanks, Patz.  

[Anonymous]

Hi October:

...what on earth did I come here for? What it is I still think I might gain from this relationship?

Maybe you are trying to stay connected because they are the only family you have and that is an ok thing to do, right?

Maybe you are trying to gain some feeling of belonging and being loved, because that's what family is supposed to feel like?

What if you were to bring your favorite food over to share next time?  I wonder if they would your biscuits/soup/favorite something?

They might not appreciate the effort or have nice comments but you might feel like you are sharing and being you and offering them an opportunity to enjoy something with you?  As long as you make your mind up ahead of time NOT to take any insult/negative comment to heart, you could risk the chance of a positive outcome.  Just a thought.  Maybe a silly idea.

GFN

[October]

What if you were to bring your favorite food over to share next time?  I wonder if they would your biscuits/soup/favorite something?

They might not appreciate the effort or have nice comments but you might feel like you are sharing and being you and offering them an opportunity to enjoy something with you?  As long as you make your mind up ahead of time NOT to take any insult/negative comment to heart, you could risk the chance of a positive outcome.  Just a thought.  Maybe a silly idea.

GFN

I think your idea is great for next time I visit friends.  I have trouble saying what I like, so that would be a good way to show people, and be nice at the same time.  Take my favourite biscuits/choccy/wine as a pressie.  

But I don't think I could do it with my family.  It would feel too unsafe to let them know anything so personal about me.  My mum would use it afterwards to always provide what I 'like' and use that 'liking' to force me to take whatever she offers, every time.  Can't do that.    She uses everything.  Every bit of information.  Everything.

The negativity is not in comments (sometimes, but not often).  You can counter comments.  It is in the air you breathe, and soaked into the wallpaper.  It is in the body language and the tone of voice.  It is everywhere, and it soaks into you so that the longer you stay, the worse it gets.  It drains the life out of you, bit by bit.

Scarey, scarey thought to ever let them see the real me.  Very dangerous.  But nice idea for friends.  Trying to stay positive, and not get sucked into the fear.