The Art of Not Being Offended by Dr. Jodi Prinzivalli

[phillip]

Some very critical questions that used to come up in seminar, and always seemed to lay the foundation for whatever work the individuals were to accomplish:

1) What do you want?
2) What are you doing to get it?
3) What are you defending?
4) Why are you afraid of your power?


I have found that by honestly answering these questions, and they are not easily answered, I  come in touch with my own heart.  Not an easy thing to do, after so many layers of protection have been utilized to shield my anguish.  But for me, it is the direction I need to proceed, if I wish to grow and integrate.  Just my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Hello all,

This is LM, I've been away for awhile because my computer broke and I ended up buying a new one, I don't have my spell checker working now so ...  I'm trying to catch up.  I haven't wrote a whole lot here over the past month since I've been contributing, but I would really like to add to this discussion.

When I was young, I knew something was not right with my family and I used to sit in my room alot and feel love.  I didn't know what I was doing then but it was like meditating and feeling oneness.

I had noticed since I was young that there were some people in life that played a game, which in the past year I have come to realize that this is connected to narcissism disorder. When I was 23 (I am now 45) I read the New Testament for the first time and it was like a revelation.  It seemed to me that the NT was explainging this "game" and how it worked.  Things started making much more sense to me. Over the years I used the NT as a guide to life and how to deal with such people.  I believed and trusted what was written in the NT and much of it is how to deal with others.

As we all know, narcissists can tend to leave you with wondering what is going on and who is the crazy one.  I believe it taught me how to be an "overcomer".  It gave me the support to LIVE LIFE.  That's what my faith has done for me.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone:

LM, that's so nice for you about the NT and how it has helped you to be an "overcomer".  I'm so glad for you!   That is so nice to hear!

Chutzbagirl:

I know GFN is away for Easter now but perhaps she will see this post when she returns. (I am assuming GFN is a girl.

Yes, I am a female (but I'm not getting into that masculine/feminine thing again, so I'll leave it at that).

Perhaps the most frustrating/painful aspects of my damage from being raised by N's is that I struggle to feel/know the love of the God I believe in and serve.

I'm not sure, but I think what you are saying here is that you have sustained damage by being raised by N's and that you have connected this damage to your struggle to feel/know God.   That struggle is frustrating/painful for you and due to your childhood?  In other words, you might be thinking that if you had grown up in a "normal" family, you would not have sustained this damage.....and you would not be experiencing this struggling to feel/know God?

I'm not sure I agree with that idea because I know lot's of people who grew up in what they describe (and certainly it appears) as basically "normal" families, yet, some of them are having the same struggle you describe.

Are you sure it's "damage" from where you grew up/who raised you that's causing the trouble?  Is it possible that a change in thinking may help?

I grew up feeling despised by my N Mother and terribly ashamed. I tried to perform to make her love me, but everything I did made her despise me more. That's hard to understand as a kid. Her disdain frightened me - I used to sleep with my door locked.

How awful for you!  I'm sorry that your mom was so lacking in desire and ability to mother you and I'm really sorry for all of the pain that has caused you.  No child should feel like that....unloved, unwanted, despised, and that has hurt you plenty, I am sure.  (((((((((Chutzbagirl))))))))

Is this what you mean in regard to childhood damage and God.....you felt ashamed about not being loved by your mother....so.......maybe you still feel ashamed and unworthy of even...... God's love?

What did you do wrong to deserve not to be loved by your mother?
How was that your fault?
What have you done to deserve the same treatment by God?

I'm sure all this distortion blocks my ability to experience God.

You still have lot's of time to line up all the blocks.

Perhaps I'm still performing for His love. Something I know I don't have to do - but the 18 inches from the head to the heart is a very, very long journey.

Yes, and also......you kept trying to gain/earn/perform for your mother's love and what did it get you?
Maybe you are not even aware of some little voice that's telling you:

"Why waste your time?  You did this before and it didn't work with your mother.  It will never work with God!!!  You're way too undeserving/unloveable/rotten/and your breath is bad".

But your conscious mind knows that you don't have to do anything to earn God's love and acceptance.  Maybe the journey is from your unconscious to your conscious mind......less distance (in my case......a very short run...heehee ).

So, although my ego would love to be viewed as a wise "old timer" in the land of recovery, I'm still wrestling with the basics. That's just too bad...

This is a big basic though, if you really, unconsciously believe you do not deserve to be loved....if you cannot trust love....(which would be understandable because your mother is supposed to love you and she didn't.  Therefore.....God is supposed to love you, maybe he doesn't?)

Have you tried daily affirmations/meditation/visualization/positive suggestion.....stuff like that?

Praying is a kind of meditation.  What if you envision, inside your head, a white light or some other simple thing to focus on, and what if you were to practice hearing God's voice...telling you that you are good, your breath is fine, that you are indeed deserving and He indeed loves you?

Or if that seems too far-fetched.....practice hearing just...a loving, pleasant voice and try to believe that voice??

This will take time and effort but eventually.....you will feel better I bet.

Hope this helps a little.

GFN

[Chutzbagirl - Reply]

Hi GFN,

Thanks for your thoughtful response.  You basically hit the nail on the head.  I came to the conclusion today, in counseling, that I have projected my experience with N Mom onto God.  I feel sad about that.  If God was like my N Mom...Don't even want to go there.  

Yeah, my "false self" is/was successful, productive, achieving, needless - I just can't fake it anymore.  Guess that's a good sign but it doesn't feel good; it feels like failure.  So when I don't have the forcefield of the "false self" working for me I start to feel the real underlying pain of the initial rejection.  The rejection feels like it's coming from God but I "know" it's not.  I don't even have the energy to meditate right now.  I'm asking God to help me out with this, I'm tired of working so hard.  I'm really tired.

I know God has had incredible grace with me or I would not be sane at all.  I have enough experience with Him to believe He's going to pull me through this and I will experience true vitality and self-love in the future.  Healing from the impact of N's takes a long time.  I can have patience with myself today.  

Thanks again.  You're response was very helpful.  

Chutzbagirl

[Guest6]

What an extraordinary thread! Thanks Philip for your unusually honest and open input. I loved the responses from all of the "usual (and highly intelligent) suspects". I will reread the thread for a number of reasons - your willingness to share with everyone, including myself (I am not registered and have only posted once before), and my own need to absorb what has been expressed so beautifully. I feel the need to do so now because of you people who have been through so much - and I thought I had "fruit loops" in my family. I have a story or two as well, but your stories blow me away. I dont know how to send you all "white light messages" and hugs but believe me the are in the universe to all of you. Peace, ALL

[Anonymous]

Chutz,
you wrote,

I'm asking God to help me out with this, I'm tired of working so hard. I'm really tired.

That was me a few months ago. I was so tired of the weight on my shoulders put there by my N. Tired unto death. I didn't care whether I lived or died.
When I finally had to admit I couldn't go on is when He took over.
"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, I will give you rest... for my burden is easy and my yoke is light."
Being tired is good. It means you are coming to the end of your own resources and will have to lean on His.
God bless you Chutz.

 mudpup

[phillip]

What an extraordinary thread! Thanks Philip for your unusually honest and open input. I loved the responses from all of the "usual (and highly intelligent) suspects". I will reread the thread for a number of reasons - your willingness to share with everyone, including myself (I am not registered and have only posted once before), and my own need to absorb what has been expressed so beautifully. I feel the need to do so now because of you people who have been through so much - and I thought I had "fruit loops" in my family. I have a story or two as well, but your stories blow me away. I dont know how to send you all "white light messages" and hugs but believe me the are in the universe to all of you. Peace, ALL

To Guest 6--I feel that I have in the past offended some here.  I have a tendency to make waves at times.  Several years ago my daughter and I went through two series of very difficult and challenging seminars.  Later I became a volunteer with the organization and participated for 2 years as a group leader.  As volunteers, we were committed to service, for the benefit of the participants.  But, it was difficult since we had only a few days to work with our small groups and achieve something.  We were trained to ask the right questions, and leave room for the participants to answer them.  It taught me to cut to the chase and risk failure.  That was very difficult.  The experience has changed me.  I am willing to risk to achieve something worthwhile.  I have a big problem with one person's tyranny over another.  For myself, it took a high powered drill with a diamond bit to get through my layers of false assumptions.  I wish I could say that I did it myself, truth is that I got alot of help, and at the time, it felt like I was being torn apart by wild dogs.  I appreciate your input about this thread.  I feel like I do not quite fit in here, but so far nobody has told me to get the hell out.  And believe me, if I can post here, so can you.  Risk and fly.

[Anonymous]

Phillip,
I for one have never been offended by anything you've said. And I think you fit in just fine. There is a wide divergence of backgrounds here but we are united by our common 'thread' of learning about and healing from the Ns in our lives. I hope you don't "get the hell out". I can't say I always agree with your opinions but they never bore me.  

mudpup

[phillip]

If we can entertain each other as we learn, all the better.  This is a wonderful board, and we the people make it so.  Ultimately,we are all in this together, otherwise what's the point?  Mere survival does NOT justify the trip IMO.

[longtire]

If we can entertain each other as we learn, all the better.  This is a wonderful board, and we the people make it so.  Ultimately,we are all in this together, otherwise what's the point?  Mere survival does NOT justify the trip IMO.

Phillip, I am also glad you're here.  I seek out people who disagree with me, but in a caring way, for the different experience they share.  I'm not saying I disagree with you about anything, just that the more variety and different paradigms from people, all the better in my book.  Anyone else have this?

Your last sentence beautifully sums up how I am feeling these days.  I want to stretch and go for the best stuff in life, even if (when ) I fail or fall short.

[phillip]

Some reflections from Gary Zukav's, "Thoughts From The Seat of The Soul."


"As you come to seek and see the virtues, strengths and nobilities of others, you begin to seek and see them in yourself also."


"Choose with wisdom, because the power is now fully in your hands."


"Trust the universe.  Trusting means that the circumstance that you are in is working toward your best and most appropriate end.  There is no when to that.  There is no if to that.  It is."


"The road to your soul is through your heart."


"Relax into the present moment."


"Every time you ask for guidance,you receive it.  Every time you ask yourself, 'What is my motivation?' you ask the universe, 'Help me to see,' and help comes."


"Allow yourself to rest when you need it, to recognize when you become exhausted, and to know that even the best of us get tired."


"Where your attention goes, you go."

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

Chutzbagirl:

I know God has had incredible grace with me or I would not be sane at all. I have enough experience with Him to believe He's going to pull me through this and I will experience true vitality and self-love in the future. Healing from the impact of N's takes a long time. I can have patience with myself today.

Three very positive statements and one logical one.  I think are already moving forward!  That is a great thing!

I understand tired.  I believe it is possible to take our energy back through prayer, meditation, visualization, positive suggestion, affirmations, etc.  These leave a clear channel open....allowing God/good stuff(for those who don't believe in God) in.

I'm glad you have a therapist who is helping you and I'm glad I helped a little.  Keep posting Chutzbagirl!  I think you've hit the nail when you say:

Healing from the impact of N's takes a long time.

That idea used to get me down but now I realize that everything I am learning on the way there, and all the sharing with others here, are wonderful positive gifts that squash out bits of the hurt and give me more and more energy to move forward.   More good things!!

Phillip:  You belong here just as much as anyone else.  Please don't believe the few who have not treated you well.  They are learning.  Believe the rest who are responding to you with respect and kindness.  They are learning too but might be a pace or two ahead of some.  We are all in a different place in healing and I for one admire you for risking the way you do.  Your posts challenge my thinking and that is good.  I love the Gary Z reflections.  I could easily pin some of them to my forehead (but...would it do any good????     ).

Guest6:  Welcome.  Keep posting as you feel comfy. Hope that will be more and more.

GFN