I need help

[E C]

This may sound strange but I think I need some input. I know that I need some professional help but have been putting off the actual scheduling of the appointment. I have never been to therapy before and it scares me. I also fear that I may hear things in therapy that I don't want to hear. It is obvious to me that my father is a narcissist and that it has had profound effects on my life. But for some reason I feel like the therapist is going to tell me that I am the one with the problem. Or perhaps the therapist will not agree with what I think the problem is and I will waste my time and money. I am stuck. Just like my whole life has been lived in fear. But I am at the edge and fear I will fall off if I do not get some help. I have become miserable, totally depressed, and have difficulty functioning. Please, please, please give me the boost to take the step. Any advice along these lines will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance,

EC

[Anonymous]

Hi E C,

Do you have a therapist in mind already?

A therapist has an ethical standard, if a patient comes to them, to support them and be on their side. It's like hiring an attorney: the attorney is your advocate. They aren't supposed to take the opposite side of the dispute once you've retained them. A good therapist will often see the narcissism of a parent even faster than you can tell them about it. They tend to believe the patient, not disbelieve them. And it's not like a court case where you have to provide hard evidence. They can tell from your misery and depression that the family has been destructive.

If you see a good therapist (and sadly there are bad ones), you will feel a huge relief that this mature person is behaving so compassionately and understands your anxiety.

Therapists also know it's very, very scary for someone to come and see them. A good therapist takes it into account automatically.

I hope you will make that appointment. It's not even as bad as the dentist.
Then come back and tell us how it went.

bunny

[Chutzbagirl - Reply]

Hi EC,

If my child was struggling with fear and depression I would not hesitate to get him the care he needed.  It has been so much harder for me to learn how to care for myself.  When I first started my recovery I realized how terribly I had been treating myself - like I was worthless.  I still struggle with this but am much better at recognizing when I'm being neglectful.  (I get cranky.)

It's a big deal when we finally realize we are worth taking care of - no one showed us how to do it.  I encourage you to do some research and find a good therapist.  Therapists are like guides that accompany us on a rugged journey.  It can be hard at times but it is worth it.  (I can say this even after having a rough session today.   )  Hey, what have you got to loose?

Take care and best wishes,

Chutzbagirl

[HC S]

I also fear that I may hear things in therapy that I don't want to hear. It is obvious to me that my father is a narcissist and that it has had profound effects on my life. But for some reason I feel like the therapist is going to tell me that I am the one with the problem. Or perhaps the therapist will not agree with what I think the problem is and I will waste my time and money. I am stuck.

Hi EC,
As much as you fear hearing unpleasant things in therapy, we often fear things that never happen. Sometimes what we don't want to hear is exactly what we need to hear. Isn't that really why you think you want therapy...to figure out what is bothering you? I have found those scary things to be "not so scary" after I say them, or hear them.

Also, for those of us with N parents...it IS our problem and sometimes it's overwhelming. I have found, more often than not, with a compassionate therapist, one can find comfort in all the chaos. That's the growth which may eventually lead to a greater, more confident understanding.

I only have my own experiences to offer you. I am someone suffering with many of the same struggles you mention and I am in therapy. I like to think of it more as spending time with a trained friend who shares a similar goal with me. How can we waste time and money because a therapist doesn't agree with us? Isn't that why we're there...to find out whatever it is we need to know? A therapist should always be supportive, but correct me if I'm wrong... to me, that never means sheltering me from what I need to see or hear. In fact, I feel therapy may be the perfect environment to hear an opposing view that needs consideration. If we only want affirmations of our own thoughts-- is that something to be afraid of? I don't know, I'm just asking?

I find the best use of my time is always about facing whatever the core issue may be...if I can find it. Regardless of fear, truth, blame, and did I say fear--a wonderful relationship with someone compassionate, whom you respect and trust, will help you through these difficult times. Sometimes I think we all know our own answers, deep down, if we are willing to face them. I think running from ourselves is always the harder road, and it's infinite.  I'd rather face the facts and benefit from the opportunity to heal myself, with the help of a gentle guide. The key is to find the right "someone"...that's my fear.

It's not about fault or blame...it's all about finding the best you and living your best life; with love and compassion for all concerned. I'm still learning. Good luck and I wish you stength and a gentle hand.

[mum as guest]

Hi, EC>
I understand fear and how paralyzing it is.  Recognizing you are "stuck" is not a little thing. It's pretty huge.  I'd say you'd be a therapist's dream: someone who recognizes what it is that is getting them stuck....even if it's about starting therapy!
Start with that.  Make that your first session.  That's all.  "Why it was so hard for me to come here".  Great!  What a wonderful way to start.  Totally appropriate.  Don't worry, a good therapist will make you feel better not worse.  And if you start "opening up" it's probably not going to happen without you having established some sort of trusting foundation with the person.  So stick with some simple honest thing like, it's hard for me to come here.  Don't think you have to go further.  It will flow as it should.  It may take a while.  You may not like the person (you are entitled, you know).  It may take someone else.  Dont' give up.
It is worthwhile..........everything in life that seems hard, really is the most worthwhile stuff (think childbirth).
Good luck!!  Sending you confidence!!!

[genuine]

Hi EC

Therapy is Great and can really help. The trick is to find the right therapist that you feel comfortable with. At the first sign of trouble, tell the therapist that you'd like to discontinue. I actually did that today.

My previous psychiatrist retired so I had to find a new one. I was referred to this imbecile I saw today and ended up telling him to his face that I was not comfortable with his style. He wanted to put me on drugs and it was our first session.

Every time I tried to inform him of my history he would interrupt and say I was going off on a tangent. My previous doctor listened to me for weeks about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my family before even offering me medication for my panic attacks. Its like he had rehearsed this speech that he told all his patients.

And get this, he even said that he could get a type of anti psychotic drug for me which supposedly was better than all the other meds put together but he would have to term me as "schizophrenic" in order to get this for me for free as its expensive.

He basically said he could falsify my diagnosis. To me thats unethical. I said "I don't want my name associated with anything I am NOT especially to the government". I surprised myself by telling him "your just textbook, textbook educated" he had no clue about the Narcissistic family, what it feels like to never see your family again because they hurt you too much.

Anyway he stressed me out. I hope I am not scaring you off therapy. I just want you to stand up for yourself IN CASE you find a dud therapist like I did.

Once you find someone who respects and acknowledges your feelings then you've hit the jackpot. My last Doctor was like that. I saw him for 3 years until he retired. I cried when he left. Find the person thats right for you, thats what I'll be doing in the following weeks.

Good Luck!
genuine

[Anonymous]

E C:

When you have been living with an N in a time warp, distorted reality it will be natural for you to think the therapist is not going to believe you.  After all you have just realized what an N your father has been and since there has been no validation heretofore, you have been brainwashed to expect nothing less.

A good therapist will listen, will validate, will be a sounding board, will help you toward that healing that you need and also deserve to have a descent life.  It is scary because of the unveiling of your fears and concerns.  Those fears and concerns, if your father is a typical N, have been minimized, dismissed, not true, your imagination to deflect the truth of the matter........your father is probably an N.  Welcome to the club and to the board of survivors here.  Keep posting.  Love, Patz

[vunil]

I agree with everything people are saying!

I think that those awful television shows like Dr.  Phil (sorry to those who are fans) give people the impression that therapy involves saying a couple of sentences about your situation and then being yelled at by someone  who tells you what your "problem" is in a not very loving way.

Good therapy is totally different from that.  The first therapist I went to barely said anything the first four times. I cried most of the first time, to my surprise, because I was there primarily to prove to myself I didn't "need therapy" .  I have heard this is very common.  She didn't say anything concrete until the end of the fourth session, at which time she gave me a summary of what I was feeling and worrying about (without trying to give a solution or pronoucement) that was so loving and on the mark that I stayed working with her for over a year.  

A good therapist reflects to those of us who may have never seen it what loving parenting looks like.  It's priceless.

All of which is to say-- go! And let us know how it went.

[vunil]

I agree with everything people are saying!

I think that those awful television shows like Dr.  Phil (sorry to those who are fans) give people the impression that therapy involves saying a couple of sentences about your situation and then being yelled at by someone  who tells you what your "problem" is in a not very loving way.

Good therapy is totally different from that.  The first therapist I went to barely said anything the first four times. I cried most of the first time, to my surprise, because I was there primarily to prove to myself I didn't "need therapy" .  I have heard this is very common.  She didn't say anything concrete until the end of the fourth session, at which time she gave me a summary of what I was feeling and worrying about (without trying to give a solution or pronoucement) that was so loving and on the mark that I stayed working with her for over a year.  

A good therapist reflects to those of us who may have never seen it what loving parenting looks like.  It's priceless.

All of which is to say-- go! And let us know how it went.

[October]

I also fear that I may hear things in therapy that I don't want to hear.

But for some reason I feel like the therapist is going to tell me that I am the one with the problem.

Hiya EC.  These are two issues which you already believe, because your dad believes them, and has tried to make you believe them too.  But at least part of you knows that they are not true.  Even so, you are afraid that the t will say the same things, and this is a reasonable fear.  To a great extent the t takes the place of a parent, and - as with any doctor - has a lot of power to pronounce about us.  This can be very scarey.

I am similar to you in that I also believe that I am the one with the problem, and that one day my t will tell me this.  But actually, she doesn't.  

There is a problem, and I own it to the extent that I go to see her to discuss ways to make my life more functional and more enjoyable, but I am not the problem.  The problem is a N mum, and a whole family system dedicated to keeping her happy.  The problem is trying to tell the truth in a family addicted to a lie, and dedicated to keeping the lie going.

I hope you manage to make contact with a therapist soon, and that he or she can help you.  Meanwhile, there is lots of support here.

[Anonymous]

Hello EC:

I am stuck. Just like my whole life has been lived in fear. But I am at the edge and fear I will fall off if I do not get some help. I have become miserable, totally depressed, and have difficulty functioning.

I can relate big time about feeling stuck and the feelings generated by that and my past experiences.  It's so hard to function in that state.

And the fear........been there too.

Someone told me that we all have courage, we just have to use it.

I started substituting that sentence in my mind, when my fears arose.
I don't like making decisions based on fear, so I have to insert this sentence at times when that might happen.   It's a conscious decision.

You can decide to use your courage and you can make a decision, regardless of being afraid, that is based on the reality of your needs.

You need to feel better and so talking with a therapist might help, is likely to help, if the therapist is a good one.  You need help, right?

It helped me to make a list of questions to ask the therapist, before deciding to stay with that person or not.  That might sound silly but it really helped me because I was able to make a decision based on information, not just my feelings.

For instance:  Do you believe in God?  I want a therapist with the same basic belief system I have (I thought that was irrelevant before but I found out...in my case....it's not.  It's very, very relevant).

See if you can make a list of stuff to ask.....even if you think you might not ask right away.  Make the list and consentrate on your needs.  It might help you to focus better.

To make that phone call......for the appointment......you can use your courage to do that too.  You do have to decide to use it though.  If it seems too tough, then think about doing it, picture yourself doing it, imagine the satisfaction with yourself that you will feel after you do it, etc.  And in your thoughts, encourage yourself to make the call soon.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down EC.  It won't last forever.  I hope you will find the courage to get what you need and not think of yourself as stuck....for much longer.

(((((((((((((((EC))))))))))))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi

I've been seeing a counselor on and off for about six years.  I initially went to her because in 1998 I was going through a divorce and within months of initiating that, both my parents died unexpectedly.  I stopped going for several years as my life was good.  Well, I now have a scary nMIL, so back to her I go, to help me sort this mess out.  

Going to a counselor was one of THE best things I could have ever done for myself.  I had a good relationship with her, and she propped me up, supported me, pointed out things I had never thought of and was a source of endless help.   It took a few counselor's before I found the right one.  Not every counselor or therapist will work for you, it's okay to change and find one that works for you.

It know it is scary, but I think you'll find it so so helpful.  I always feel better by the time I'm walking out of the office.  This is something you can do for yourself and your own happiness and what better reason is there for doing anything, eh?

Good luck!

[longtire]

Wow! After reading all your good experiences here, I'm going to make the time to find a new therapist/counselor.  The one I've been seeing just doesn't leave me feeling supported or validated.  I know that challenging the patient is one of the things a therapist does, but what he's been doing seems all challenge and no support.  I don't know whether its him or me.  I was hesitant to make a change for fear that I am "just" projecting.  But at this point I don't see any harm in trying out some other therapists to find out.

EC, despite what I just wrote, I HIGHLY recommend finding a good therpaist.  The therapist I'm seeing is the same one I saw years ago for depression.  He was able to really HELP me with a lot of issues.  For whatever reason, he doesn't seem to be able to help me with my current issues.  I would not ever consider "going it alone" again when I know that real help is available.

[E C]

You have all been so helpful. I took the huge step yesterday and booked a session with a therapist. Monday at 4:00. I am both looking forward to it and scared to death. But you have all been inspirational and I am ready to take my medicine, so to speak.

Thank you all so much, it really means a lot to me.

EC

[HC S]

Great move EC.  I hear happiness and stength in your post regarding your decision. Keep open your ears, eyes, mind, and mostly, your heart.  "If you feel something crack, remember, that's how the light gets it".  Good for you.