nfather confusion

[Greta]

I got some emails from my nfather this weekend, and I hate that I am spending energy trying to figure out where they came from.  My strategy with my nfather has been to protect myself by not divulging anything of my personal thoughts feelings dreams etc.  We don't talk on the phone.  He sends the occasional email, then disappears for months at a time.  In January he sent one of his immature "it's colder where you are than where I am in Canada" messages, and I didn't feel like responding, so I hadn't written for a couple of months.  

Friday I get a message from him, the last line being "Anything you want to discuss, by phone, email or letter?"  I of course immediately thought he was angry I hadn't written in so long, but not really having any context or clues, I said "No, there's nothing I want to discuss.  Why do you ask?"  He wrote back, "Just wondering.  We haven't had a serious conversation in years."  This has stirred up all sorts of emotional murk.  Probably the last time we had a "serious conversation" was when he left my mother 22 years ago, and he couldn't understand why I was angry.  He said that I'd be leaving for college in a few years anyway, so why was I upset that he left first?  I did send an email three years ago asking about my grandmother, because I was starting therapy, and wondered about all her emotional problems--he wrote back that I shouldn't worry because none of her problems were hereditary!  Yeah, except for all the emotional damage she caused to my father, who then damaged me.  And then he started recommending all different ways to fix me--medication, EMDR therapy.  

Part of me is curious what brought up his desire for a serious discussion, part of me wants to give him the full strength of my fury, and the rest of me says "don't go there, because he will find a way to be hurtful."  I really don't know what to say to him.  I start to wonder if I'm wrong to keep our relationship as superficial as possible--the guilt kicks in.  I know I need to protect myself, but and just let it go, ignore him, but I keep obsessing that I need to have the "right" response.  Has anyone else had parents who suddenly ask odd questions?

Greta

[October]

Friday I get a message from him, the last line being "Anything you want to discuss, by phone, email or letter?"  I of course immediately thought he was angry I hadn't written in so long, but not really having any context or clues, I said "No, there's nothing I want to discuss.  Why do you ask?"  He wrote back, "Just wondering.  We haven't had a serious conversation in years."

Has anyone else had parents who suddenly ask odd questions?

Greta

I think it is normal for Ns to try different tactics.  Perhaps he thinks that offering a serious conversation will appeal to you.  I doubt if you would get the kind of serious conversation that would be meaningful to you, however.

If you can maintain the distance, I think that would be safer.  It sounds very healthy to me.  

[bunny]

I agree with October. He's baiting a hook and seeing if you'll bite. There is nothing wrong with being superficial around a person who is manipulative, selfish, narcissistic, etc.  It's merely not giving them their requested supplies.

bunny

[e c]

Greta:

I too am blessed with an Nfather. Let me tell you how they operate. Picture a submarine hunting the Atlantic for the next target. If an aircraft carrier is present, we go for that. If not, lets try a destroyer. If that is not around perhaps we can get a merchant ship. And last, but certainly not least, why not go for the tiny fishing boat out trying to make a living. YOU are the fishing boat. If there is no attention anywhere else, why not try for the old failsafe. So, now you get some attention from him and think you are special. Try asking him to give up something he enjoys to do something that benefits you. Not very likely, is it? I pity my Nfather but as of late will not dilude myself into thinking that he actually cares. His world is small and we are just actors in his play. Stay as far away as possible. You owe this person nothing because he has not care for you a single day in his life. I remember being in the hospital a few times over my life for this procedure or that. The extent of his concern was to phone to see that I lived. Not once did he come visit me in the hospital. Must have been too busy spending time with his mistresses, "important friends", or who knows what. That is the model of fatherhood that I grew up with. It gets worse but I dont want to go further.

Basically, you can determine how much you wish to let him into your life but never be deceived that opening a door will make him better. Every time i swallowed my pride and tried to behave civilly towards him, it would be seconds before he would be tearing me down. I would see glimpses of hope and think, wow, maybe he has changed. I would try to get close and show love, concern, respect, and consideration. Thats all he would need. Then he would just pounce on me. It is so pathetic, so predictable, and ever so frustrating.

The only reason I stay in contact with him is because he is a package with my mother. If for some reaon my mother seperated from him, he would not hear a word from me the rest of my life. I would only go to his funeral to console my sisters but nothing more. To me my father is a void but I am forced to interact with him. It is difficult  and hurts a great deal. If you can escape, then do it. Become FREE.

EC