For all of you that have sent me a reply and encouragement so quickly, I can never thank enough. 
I have been told by three different psychs that the psychological damage done to a child's brain the first three years of life can create a person prone to anxiety and depression. Makes parenting a scarry thing doesn't it? 
Hiya Joey.
Your psychs are right. You may well be prone to depression, as I am. And for the same reason. But you are not defined by that depression, any more than you are defined by the abuses you suffered.
The one thing you learn from this site is that adult children of Ns - if they escape the dreaded N themselves - can be very empathic, very caring people, and often make the very best parents. We have excellent examples of what
not to do all around us.
You will find that we have a great sense of humour, and the ability to laugh at our own lives, and at those of our N relations. And it is qualities like this which will help you - and us - to find a path through the difficult times.
As for the honor thy father and thy mother bit. I too find this part of faith difficult to cope with. It generally upsets me, not because I feel guilty about the way I treat my parents, but because, as others have said, I miss having parents at all. In my own case I substitute Our Lord as my father, and Our Lady as my mother, and then I can give the due honor that is expected. At Easter I bought some flowers 'for my mother', and then put them next to a statue of Our Lady, and lit a candle to her. This allows me to show my love for my mother, without getting entangled in the N person with that supposed role, for whom every gift has its price. Perhaps someone from a freer church tradition could use the church as mother instead.
I do not treat my actual parents with disrespect, but I do keep my distance from them emotionally. I visit from time to time, but I allow them to know nothing of my hopes, dreams and fears. I drink tea, then I go away again. This is not showing disrespect; it is following the pattern they set over the years.
They cannot have back what they did not first give to me. I do have a lot of love, somewhere, but I save it for people who would know what it is, and what to do with it. Not those who would deep freeze it and then keep it forever as a trophy.
