I'm ready to walk away!

[I_am_mine]

I've written a few posts, but haven't come clean with my experience.  Ndad, wonderful mother who passed away this past July.  Since mom passed, my sis and I have been responsible for Ndad, who has made an art out of "N"ness.  Health, financial, housework, laundry, cooking, shopping, dr. appointments, you name it. we take care of it for him, according to his exacting standards, most of which are wrong because of the problems he's having with his head.

Problem:  he's showing some very significant cognitive/memory deficits, similar to alzheimer's/dementia.  We finally got him to hire a caregiver to be in the house with him, cook, do light housekeeping, laundry, drive him to some appointments, grocery shop, etc.  Now, after 3 1/2 weeks, he's wanting to back out on the caregiver thing - thinks it's too expensive and is going to leave him poverty stricken! Nothing is further from the truth!  

We finally got him to agree to see a neurologist, had a MMSE, EEG, and CAT scan, along with blood work - have an appointment next Tues., for the results.  He still insists he can drive, will not see an attorney to file mom's will or get his own financial situation organized.  Sis and I have no legal standing - no POA, NOTHING!  And yet he wants us to write all his biills, reorganize his financial stuff, just about everything  you can think of.  Only problem is, as soon as we start to help him, he hangs over our shoulder and tells us we are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!  He'll tell us how to do things, but what he says makes no sense whatsoever, and it's impossible to proceed, so......of course, all 3 of us totally blow up!  

Started on about a 3 week cycle, then went to 2 weeks, now it's at least once a week, maybe more, that he totally verbally/emotionally abuses us because we're not "paying enough attention to him" and "deliberately not helping him out, which will cost  him in the long run" (we're supposedly leaving him in a delicate financial decision, which is NOT true!). He will not see his attorney, will not hire anyone to take care of his doctor/medicare bills which are so far in arrears and so much of a mess we can't do a thing with them.  

Ok, I've read much on this board that is helpful, but I'm also facing a fairly serious situation with my 15 year old son right now, which will demand lots of my physical and emotional attention.  I also have two other teenage boys, and since I was spending almost all day every day at my folks' when my mom was dying, then went right to taking care of dad, these kids haven't really had a mom.

I know I have to deal with this, he's not going to change, I have to change.  I am just soooooooo tired, I can't even find a starting place.  Everything I read makes perfect sense, I just don't have the energy to put it into practice.

If I didn't have the memory of my mom reminding me that I should do the best I can with dad, I swear I'd change my phone #, and never visit him or have anything to do with him ever again.  He's that toxic (and I know it's my responsibility to learn how to deal with the toxicity, but I'm exhausted).  I wait every day for his call, sometimes several a day, altho I do screen them, and he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up (if I've been able to get to sleep, that is), and the last thing on my mind when I *try* to sleep.  

I don't expect any solutions, things just came to a head tonight with him on the phone, and I just had to blow off some steam, and I knew you all would understand.

Thanks for listening to my rant - think I'll go out and get some cheese to go with that "whine" now.....

Hey, does anyone need a slightly used Ndad?  I've got one, looking for a nice home for him, giving him away FREE!!!!!!!!!  

I just wish I had more strength, I think I'm just about at the end of my rope, seriously, and I have no idea what to do the next time he goes off on me.  The thing that really hurts me the worst - mom died July 7, and because I've played Ndad's game so well, I haven't even had the chance to mourn her or cry for her...there's just too much "stuff" bottled up in my gut from him, and I'm so afraid to touch her memory - I think I might lose it and never come back.  I know it's my fault for not modifying my behavior, but...I don't think I'll ever forgive Ndad for being so demanding that I can't even access memories of mom...just not forgivable.

Thanks for listening (reading) - I wish you all well on your personal journeys.

bobbie

PS:  Spent a sleepless night last night, have to take Ndad to a doctor's appointment to check on his defibrillator (which he ignored for 4 years and now is an EMERGENCY!)  Takes an hour to get to the hospital, then sit there with him, then an hour back...I am so sick of this...yesterday I told my sister, "you know, I just don't WANT him anymore!"  That's the truth, but...we're his only family, and he has to be taken care of somehow...I truly hate this whole situation.

[rosencrantz]

Hi Bobbie - My father passed away in April and my nMother has acted exactly - exactly - like your father.

But it seems that I am fortunate in that the social services and community psychiatric services have become involved.  Do you not have that kind of thing in the States?  The concept of NPD just doesn't exist over here so it's not been diagnosed as such but I have said categorically that my mother makes me ill and they understand!!!  

She makes everyone think that she's frail and incapable and she's stronger than any of us.  We all know (now) how much she manipulates us ALL!!  And every time she does it, I pull myself a little further out of the line of fire.

All the literature I have read says get out and stay out.  I am absolutely convinced that if we want to survive with sanity and self-esteem intact then that's what we must do.

Of course, if you 'take a break' - no matter how much you need it for your own health and strength or for the sake of your own children - they become totally vengeful.

But what are your priorities.  I'll share mine.

ME first.  If I don't look after me, then I can't look after anyone else.  Give yourself a break and look after yourself

YOUR BOYS next.  You gave birth to them and you owe them your love and time and energy.  

Then pay attention to anything and everything else in the world that sustains you.

Hmm - can't see a space in there for manipulative, mean, nasty parents who drain you dry and drive you crazy.  

If he wants you to do stuff, just say 'no'!  It's that easy.

If you want to do the stuff, tell him you'll do it your way or not at all!!!

thinks it's too expensive and is going to leave him poverty stricken

He doesn't want it any more because he's worked out that he's not getting you to run around after him any more.

my sis and I have been responsible for Ndad

Why?  Is he a child?  Adults are responsible for themselves!!

he's showing some very significant cognitive/memory deficits

So does mine - I wonder how come they are so selective?!  Rather like the stick she leans on so heavily - until she forgets!!!

He still insists he can drive, will not see an attorney to file mom's will or get his own financial situation organized. Sis and I have no legal standing

Of course - you are powerless, everyone is powerless, he is powerFUL.  That's how he feels safe. And clever.  And entitled.  He doesn't have to pay bills - he's entitled!!

He'll tell us how to do things, but what he says makes no sense whatsoever, and it's impossible to proceed

 Yes.  Of course.  Anything to keep control, to get you dancing to a tune of his own making. Dance, puppets, dance.  It doesn't have to make sense.

I know so well what my mother does by now - and every line of your post reflects exactly what she does.

Believe me, it's all 'symptom' and it won't change.  He'll punish you forever if you back out - but hey, what's that against a backdrop of sanity, survival and the love/wellbeing of your kids.

If you need to, put in place what you believe will help him, make him safe, make him healthy and then leave him to it.  You have employed a caregiver.  Great.  If he cancels then he takes responsibility. If he chooses not to get an attorney or sort out the legal affairs, then just 'let it go'.  You are not responsible.  They'll get sorted out one day one way or another.  Maybe when he's dead.

Can you allow your father to take respnsibility for his own actions?  (If not, why not??!!!).  Your mother asked you to do the best you can.  She didn't ask you to change him.  She didn't ask you to put your health, strength and sanity at risk - or your boys' well being.

It's not your respnsibility to learn how to deal with his toxicity.  Even well-trained therapists won't handle it unless they specialise in it - and they only see them once a week for a single session - AND get paid for it!!!  What about that as an option : you could train as a therapist and spend just an hour a week with him??? LOL

Seriously, it's way beyond our capacity unless we want to throw ourselves into 'coping', working through, learning, understanding, full-time.

Give your son what he needs, STOP feeling guilty and look after your own health.  And then there'll be space for you own mourning.

haven't even had the chance to mourn her or cry for her

Yup - I knew it would be like that - my mother demands every last ounce of attention even in these circumstances.  Only she has a right to mourn.  She even had the nerve to say to me 'why would you miss him when you didn't even see him'  Yeah, well - I never used to see him because I couldn't cope with HER - and she wasn't about to allow us to have any kind of relationship that didn't have her right in the middle of it.  Even more reason to mourn - all the days and weeks and years that I didn't have a relationship because of HER!!!

It takes six months for the chasm to heal.  All of a sudden one day it will all come pouring out.  I just sat and sobbed one day.  " Of course I mind, of course I bloody mind (that he died, that I didn't have a relationship with him, that he died the way he did, that he made the choices he made, that my son didn't have chance to know him better, etc etc etc)"-  I felt better after that.  You'll have time to mourn.  It will come.  The moment you stop fighting your dad, you'll have time to mourn for all the losses that are linked to him.

You don't have to change!  You just have to LET GO!  

Take care
R

[I_am_mine]

Rosencrantz, you won't believe this!  I've read your post at least 5 times, and each time I read it, I find something "new".  I was in the midst of replying to your post, I think I'd just hit "novel" length, and I somehow hit a wrong button somewhere and ERASED the whole post!    

I'm in such a state now, I just can't go back and try to re-write it...my brain has totally turned to mush, I'm flip-flopping between rage and tears, and I think I need to take a break before I attempt it again.

For now tho, I want to tell you that your post was extremely helpful, and it's amazing how you put my thoughts into your words!

Ahhhh....I'm totally exhausted now, and nothing I would say right now would make any sense at all...

Hopefully I won't erase this post   and once I get my thoughts back together and get some strength back, I might try again.......

bobbie

[rosencrantz]

Take it easy - you don't have a responsibility to me either!!

It was good to read your post - it certainly unlocked my own floodgates.  I've read both our posts several times and it is having a very positive effect on me - what a long, hard, painful journey it has been.

My 'turning point' came when I realised that my mother NEEDS chaos in her life - and someone made the point that 'it's a lifestyle CHOICE'!!!

And you know what - it's true.  She chooses chaos because it gives her the attention and the feelings of power and safety she craves.  Who am I to stand in her way?  I don't have the right to determine her lifestyle!!!

But I DO know that I don't choose it for myself.

When I realised all this, I immediately got all the paperwork sorted and I settled everything in the way I think is best for her and her circumstances.  All the paperwork is filed away.  I needed 25 folders and I've filled half a filing cabinet drawer!  It took me all weekend.

And I have truly let go.

Now it's up to her.  If she wants to unravel it, change it, dispute it, that's fine - but she does it without ME.  Enough already!!

And my own self-esteem is not connected with her decision.

Of course, she's also 'psychic'.    Right in the middle of all this, she sent me a challenging note about my father's grave.  How did she manage to find the one thing that she could 'get' me on??!  There's always a sideswipe that you never notice coming!!  (Once upon a time at this point, I'd be cringing about being paranoid.    Maybe it's coincidence - but who cares.  I no longer need to prove anything.  I see the pattern and that's enough.)

I_am_mine, once you realise that he will never validate you, that you can never get 'permission' to look after yourself and your own priorities, and understand that these people are too busy 'doing what they do' to get hurt by anything you might do, then you're free!!!

You hurt far more FOR him than he will ever hurt for himself (or you!).
R