Author Topic: My Crazy Story  (Read 1982 times)

shyoung

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My Crazy Story
« on: April 03, 2005, 06:37:33 AM »
Exactly one year ago my ex-wife was attempting to get my four year old daughter (who I had fought three frustrating years to convince the state should not be in the custody of such an obvious nut) to say the word 'duiker' (meaning small antelope) which she had spelled out using large block letters.  When this four year old professed to not be able to read the word 'duiker' my ex accused her of lying, and spanked her 10 times.

She then asked her again what the word was, again my daughter indicated she did not know, again 10 smacks on the buttocks.  This repeated "numerous" times until my ex said that her hand hurt...but this process continued "three or four" more times with a belt.

At this point my ex drove my daughter to the local hospital...not because she was in searing pain and in need of medical attention, but because "she felt that the hospital could help convince her daughter not to lie to her anymore."  She was promptly arrested for child abuse.

Suddenly faced with having to care full time for a four year old with post dramatic stress disorder, and without child support or a strong financial situation to begin with I chose to move back in with my parents.

A few months later we heard that my ex had been diagnosed as narcissistic...but to a level where she had gone psychotic.  It was also learned that Social Services had began an investigation on her only a week before the abuse occurred; something that in retrospect makes me think challenged her 'authority' and caused her to think along the lines of, "I'll show them how great of a parent I am when I demonstrate how I can get a four year old to read 'duiker'."

Hearing about the narcissism, and not really understanding it, I did a bunch of research and was dumbfounded with what I read.  Everything fit my ex so perfectly.  But the more I read, the more clearly I was seeing my whole situation, and it wasn't good.  It is obvious to me now that my micro-managing, authoritarian mother is also narcissistic, and unless I can vastly improve my financial situation (an endeavor she seems to find ways to impede) me and my daughter are stuck living with her.

My whole life seems as if it's being managed by her...and always in an abusive, condescending, terse way.  I see how she treats my daughter and how it effects her.  No conversation I have with my daughter goes on without being interrupted numerous times.  Every problem my daughter has that I respond to with listening, gets intruded upon with harsh discipline and being talked down too in a condescending way by my mother.  My system of using 'time-outs' has been totally overrun and if I happen to put my daughter in timeout myself, my mother stands outside the time-out area and preaches to my daughter how worthless she is.

I have had a girl friend for nearly two years now, and recently after meeting her for about 10 seconds, my mother forbid me to see her ever again...keep in mind that I am 34 years old.  She also says that I am not to talk to her on the phone.  She said, "You have made mistakes in the past," referencing my ex-wife, "and this is another one."

I feel powerless, frightened, and my level of depression is starting to become debilitating.
shyoung

October

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Re: My Crazy Story
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2005, 07:08:38 AM »
Quote from: shyoung


I feel powerless, frightened, and my level of depression is starting to become debilitating.


Hi Shyoung

First of all, welcome.  You are among friends.  Take a moment to relax and be who you are.

Second, you already know what you have to do.  The depression is telling you.  Depression means; 'something has to change.'  

What is stopping you is a conflict between your feelings for your mother and your feelings for your child.  Think about this calmly and rationally, and then make some decisions, based on that rational thought.  Your plans.  For your family.

You are strong enough already, and all the power you need is right there in you.  Your girlfriend sounds like the perfect person to help you; if the N doesn't like her that may well mean she is OK!!!!!  Far more worrying if the N loved her to bits.  (My Nmum doted on my ex; she mothered him for years.  Like attracts like.)

I can't tell you what to do, or what decisions to make, but if it were my daughter, I would get her out of there as soon as humanly possible.  If you suddenly found out your mum was a vampire, what would you do?  That gives you your answer.  There are refuges for abused women, which I would go to in your situation, if I couldn't find a friend to help.  I am not sure if there are similar places for men to go to, but I would certainly try to find out.  

Good luck.

vunil

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My Crazy Story
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2005, 09:29:52 AM »
Shyoung--

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can feel your desire to protect your daughter and your feeling of being trapped.

I agree with October that depression is a sign that things are wrong.  It can also make it really hard to act, sort of weighing down your mind and your day.  So, I would say try to treat that first, however you can.  Hide it from your mother, don't tell her you are going to your doctor (regular old GP's can at least tell you if medication would help, in the short run), and don't tell her what your treatment is.  Keep the medication, if you go on some, somewhere where she can't find it.

And then covertly make your escape (cue the James Bond music....).  I know you feel financially strapped, but reframe it like this-- you are taking money to let your mother drive you and your daughter crazy.  Put like that it's pretty clear that's not a great idea! While you are still there, I think it's good to follow some of the advice I've gotten here (this is a great group).  When talking to your mother, be as bland as possible.  Don't respond to her "jabs."  Ask her all manner of questions about herself (she will love to talk about herself).  If she is likely to be a complete jerk about something (e.g., those time-outs), have them somewhere where it is inconvenient for her to intervene.  Or, ask her about something she loves to talk about right after putting your daughter on time out.  Or, something strategic like that.

Denver is really pretty-- maybe spend a lot of time away from the house, in the mountains?  Walking around downtown?  Just you and your daughter.  I am sure there are awesome playgrounds around to take her to.  


Of course, these are suggestions along a theme-- you know better what will work!  But the key, I think, is to see this as a strategic game that you can win.  You have a lot more knowledge than your mother does;  she doesn't have a clue why she behaves the way she does.

Good luck to you.  You are on a very honorable mission, trying to save your child from the kind of upbringing you had to endure.  We are all with you.

bunny

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My Crazy Story
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2005, 12:02:05 PM »
Welcome shyoung,

This is tough because both of you need protection from grandma. Is there any way you can see a counselor or therapist? Is your daughter entitled to therapy because of her mom's psychosis?

P.S. My one hint at this time is to talk to your daughter in private and say you don't think Grandma should hurt her feelings. Then play with her.



keep posting,
bunny

Stormchild

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My Crazy Story
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2005, 02:02:58 PM »
Hi shyoung,

Totally off the wall suggestion: if your mom's an N nutcase too, you might want to rent - if you can - a small storage facility, where you keep anything your daughter particularly values. Books, toys. Why? So gramma can't throw them out, destroy them, or give them away while you are out of the house with your daughter.

You can rent a really small storage unit very cheaply. Might not be a bad idea to put whatever you treasure in there too.

It seems as though the deliberate discarding and destruction of treasured objects is one of the standard spiteful retaliations of these people, it's a theme I've seen over and over here, and of course lived with myself.

Your daughter has been traumatized, you have been traumatized. This could be a 'safe place' that you could go to together to spend a little time with your treasures, if you can find a good, pleasant place in a good part of town.

Do you have a PO Box? Not a bad idea to get one... keeps Mom out of your mail. UPS Stores and Parcel Pluses do mailbox service too, but the PO is the cheapest of all.

Just a few thoughts. Robinm's thread got my mind running this way, hopefully these ideas may help you in one way or another.

Stormchild

October

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My Crazy Story
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2005, 05:58:24 PM »
Quote from: vunil


Hide it from your mother, don't tell her you are going to your doctor (regular old GP's can at least tell you if medication would help, in the short run), and don't tell her what your treatment is.  Keep the medication, if you go on some, somewhere where she can't find it.



This is a good idea from Vunil to get treatment for the depression first.  Just to add a comment to the 'don't tell her' remark, it might be an idea to stop telling your Nmum anything at all.  If you have to talk, talk about her and her life, or about the weather or what is on the news.  Tell her nothing about yourself or your daughter.  Fob her off if she asks, with very vague, very general information; sounding informative but actually giving nothing away.  Knowledge is power especially to Ns and they use every bit they get, so don't give her any.

I would also say that it is best not to correct your daughter when your mum is around.  Better to leave her behaviour unchecked than to overdo the negative messages, I would say.  Try to focus instead on finding out what she is doing well and praising her for it; all children respond better to praise than to criticism.  

Your mum may know that the dynamic has changed, but it will take her a while to work out how.  My Nmum complains to people all the time that I never tell her anything.  Comes from too many years of hearing intimate details of my life told to complete strangers at busstops.  :lol:

If and when you do get away, it is perfectly acceptable to leave her a note to say that you have gone, and are both fine, without telling her your new address.  She doesn't need to know it, and you are both better off without her around.  Just a thought.  You may decide otherwise, of course.

Andrea

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My Crazy Story
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2005, 06:14:40 PM »
How close are you and your girlfriend? If you guys are doing well why can't you move in together? Get the heck out of mom's house and get your own place, and a fresh start! Your daughter does not need any more drama or abuse or she's going to grow up with major issues. That's how half of us get messed up. People telling sensitive people how worthless and stupid and fat and dumb they are. (thank god for prozac!)

Your mom sounds like a condescending nasty person and the sooner you move out the better. You have had enough with crazy women!