grieving for a phantom

[write]

I saw my latest n 'relationship' person today, at a distance admittedly, but wondered what on earth I was attracted to??? Not that he's not attractive as an interesting person to have around, to discuss things with, to make music with: but as a relationship- no way!
In fact now I think it was him made the running for me, always with some 'unfortunately we can't really be together now...maybe one day' kind of thing...and hooking me back in every time I said 'ok that's fine'.
And he never showed any interest until I was vulnerable.

What I'm grieving for isn't him or what we shared- it's a phantom relationship I keep playing out, the loss of a dream.

Back to the therapist...

[Bliz]

I think we do mourn the loss of the dream. That may be the hardest part of the whole deal.  With mine I could almost feel that relationship ring within my grasp and then I fell off the trapeze.  Just my luck..no net!!

[write]

well-expressed!
Are you a writer?

[Andrea]

I always waited for the day he would "wake up" and finally see what a good person I was. That somehow he would realize I'm a good catch and would finally love me. I told him this.

His response was, "I tried really hard to love you, but I just can't" "But you're a good woman, I know you are. You'll make someone very happy some day".

Not what I wanted to hear from the man I loved.

[October]

And he never showed any interest until I was vulnerable.

What I'm grieving for isn't him or what we shared- it's a phantom relationship I keep playing out, the loss of a dream.

I think we all do our share of this kind of grieving.  There is lots to grieve for, and if those around us cannot understand what the problem is, they will not understand why this process gets stuck, and loops instead of progressing.

I am interested in your comment about vulnerability too.  I am going to have to think about that one.  Certainly my Nmum 'likes' vulnerable people; so that she can feel superior, I think.  But of course at the same time as she is doing her Florence Nightingale bit with the neighbours (and neglecting completely her family at home) she is sneering at them for being unwell, and also jealous at the same time.  Weird or what!!!

[Portia]

it's a phantom relationship I keep playing out, the loss of a dream.

Maybe part of your brain (the ol' repetitive compulsive part)  is determined to live in a dream? Dreams are sometimes a sweet alternative to a different view of ‘reality’. You can either recognise and address this repetition with a view to changing it, or you can continue in it.

If you enjoy it and get something out of it, you might not wish to change, in which case you won’t change, no matter how many visits to a therapist.

Maybe he did do the running for you, but you responded, you are responsible for the fact that you responded to him.

Do you have a female therapist? If not, that might help.

[Brigid]

Write,

I am grieving that same dream and not the reality.  I wanted so much to have a happy family after the very dysfunctional, unloving family I grew up in.  I created an illusion in my mind that everything was wonderful and since there was not arguing or fighting going on, it seemed good on the surface.  

Coming to terms with what my marriage was, and not what I imagined it to be has been the most difficult part of the healing process.  I am still working through that, but have certainly come a long way.  As I begin to let go of the illusion, I am able to start seeing a brighter future with hope of finding true love not just imagined love.

I have faith that you will get there too, Write.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi Write:

Glad to see you are posting here!  I was thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.

The phantom/dream relationship thingy is sort of like my favorite line from "Under the Tuscan Sun", (a movie just watched this past weekend):

She asks:

"Why does love make us so stupid?"

It just hit me when I read your phantom/dream relationship stuff that this is really what she was referrring to because when there is real love and a good relationship......there is no stupid.

I hope, with all of my heart, that you won't give up on the idea that this will happen for you too......a real relationship where there is real love.

When that happens....the phantoms will fade into oblivion and the dream will become reality.

Hope you are doing well, Write.  Better days ahead!

GFN

[write]

I go fetch my puppy tomorrow- now that's definitely a real relationship!

***

I need some time out of romantic relationships to just build myself up; though in a way I'm glad I got involved with this n this way and it all grew chaotic quickly and then was over quickly- I'd have trusted him more and gotten in deeper if I'd known him a long time as a friend first. He really is very deceptive and charming. Almost a sociopath. And absolutely no remorse about any of his behaviour. Feels totally entitled to behave how he likes.

Funny too: none of my close friends liked him at all: they could see clearly what I was deluding myself!

[Bliz]

To Write,
If you were talking to me,  I was a writer in a different lifetime.  Thanks for noticing.

[bludie]

Cool thread. Write, I hope you're enjoying your puppy!!

As one who has had a very similar experience in 'mourning a phantom' I think this was one of the greatest slaps of all...not only to lose the life I thought was/would be mine but to find out my cohort was a complete stranger. The devastation I experienced last fall when all of this came crashing in (fell off the trapeze, Bliz) was one of THE MOST life-changing events I've experienced to date (and life ain't been easy, lemme tell 'ya).

And far be it for any of us who actually survive the tornadic effect of loving or having Ns in our lives to believe there are still nice people left in the world of whom you can trust, reach out to and believe in....

But guess what? I am finding there ARE those people in the world. There IS life on the other side of N and if you get past it, work through it, walk through the fire and face the fear, I truly believe we actually come out of the experience being better people. (Helluva' price to pay, but hey, I always try to make mudpies from the mud).  

The testament to the theory that we actually become better people is, I believe, this very forum. We have inspirational posts to read from incredible people.

So, yes. While I continue to grieve the phantom and recognize the degree to which I allowed myself to be hood-winked, I won't chide or beat myself up over it. I was looking for love like just about everyone else on the planet. I got sidetracked for a while but "Still I Rise." (poem by Maya Angelou).

Best to all this Tuesday morning,

Bludie