Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Hi there.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but I really need some advice. My sister is intelligent and attractive and she used to have a lot of frienfs til a few yrs ago she came back from college and totally lost it. She was having some sort of crisis, she was tierd and smoking (she never used to smoke) all the time, not looking for work. She moved out of the house and started living with an old school friend and just stayed insane! She never called, she never visited, she was on a different planet!

Then she moved in with a new boyfriend, still not working just sitting around drinking and smoking. She always used to be a hard worker at school and stuff, so we didn't get it. She just kept on blaming this old school friend for mistreating her, and tp be fair when we did see her when she was still living there she did look pretty bad. I know she was ashamed of herself for having the meltdown in the first place (she doen't believe things like that should happen to her!), but she's still acting all distant and wierd, and she says one thing and then does something else and I'm not sure the guy she's with is good for her. But whenever we try to help she freezes us out, and she's still living on welfare! No one seems able to get through to her, it's like she won't stop living in the past or something.

 She used to be pretty demanding at the best of times, but she used to care, I know she did. Now she doesn't even care about herself. Any advice?

[October]

I'm not sure I can help at all, but I hate to see your post without replies.  If this were my sister I think I would try to spend as much time with her as I could, getting to know her, and finding out about what she wants and needs.  You can't solve her problems for her, or live her life for her, but you can be there when she needs you, and that is a very valuable role to play in anyone's life.

Hope things work out for you, and your sister.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I'll keep on trying with her.

[Acappella]

Hi Guest (aka caring sister),

I agree w/October ...be compassionate and let her know you care even though you may not understand and she may seem just "insane" to you.  

In my experience it can be good for everyone involved when someone who wants to help also admits when they don't understand completely AND states repeatedly they care and want to understand.  It is so easy to assume we understand family members and that their experiences should be identical to our own.

" I know she was ashamed of herself for having the meltdown in the first place.  she doen't believe things like that should happen to her!"  "still living on welfare! " Sounds like she isn't the only one surprised or perplexed. If that is shocking to you I can't imagine she doesn't feel that on some level.  There was a shame thread posted here at one time that was filled with posts on how shame can suck the life out of a person. I recommend that thread.  

Take care of you too. "She is freezing others out" - I don't imagine I'd want to subject myself to that perpetually (and ignoring her tacit request to be given privacy isn't necessarily responsive). I imagine I'd send a note to her once a week for as long as I could possibly stand it (years even) just to reminder her that I care and to let her know I was keeping my distance because I felt shut out.  

She has one thing more important that good looks or intelligence going for her...a sister who cares.  You mentioned those two qualities when you described her and perhaps that has been a focus in the family at the expense of some other important things?  Those two qualitites have long been considered important for success yet science and schools like Harvard are finding out more and more that connection is the most vital quality for human survival and intelligence and looks are a very small part of connection in the long run.

Good luck.  There is a post called "books that have helped" here too that has a lot of resources.  "Demanding" doesn't equal Nism though.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if something happened to her at college that traumatized her (i.e., being sexually assaulted or victim of a crime)? College is when many people show first signs of mental deterioration and confusion, if they are schizophrenic. These are just thoughts that came when reading about your sister.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Bunny,

I wondered that same thing when I read that.  But then I also wondered if she felt she could not talk about her problems because she was felt she was being judged and felt nobody would be sympathetic to her.  Then again maybe she dated a N.  That is enough to make anyone stay in limbo for a while.

Jaded

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your suppost! She's still not quite right, but she's talking more about the present, and taking an interest in things again... she seems to feel a lot of guilt about the meltdown because she thinks she let people down. She was always the type who was always there for everyone, and she REALLY needed a lot of help but everybody was busy with their own lives... The more she does talk,  the more it sounds like this girl she lived with was an N: my sister says she was constantly walking on eggshells, she could do nothing right, she was emotionally blackmailed.... Problem is, she's now displaying the same kind of behaviour... I read that somewhere, that N-victims sometimes end up becoming N's themselves! I'll keep trying to get her to stop feeling so bad, and I must say it's nice to see her making the effort again. My total support and admiration to all of you who have survived N's yourselves - you are an example to us all!

sister

[bunny]

sister,

What do you think of her seeing a therapist or MD? I think that she may be helped by medication at this point. Your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Both the social & academic stress of college & university can be a trigger that activates dormant disorders (ie. depression, anxiety, other) where there was a predisposition in someone.

It seems as though she never figured out what was going on with her(ie. named it and learned about it), and has never sought help.    

Therapy might also help her work through the feelings of guilt & shame she seems to have around having had a "break-down".

Hopefully there will be someone(yourself?) she is comfortable with enough to hear them out about talking with someone(therapist, counselor) without getting too defensive.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Hey there,

She's been to therapy on and off for a few years, but she didn't really get anything out of it she says. Her shrink just let her talk without helping her to make sense of what she'd been through. She says she feels like a headless chicken, just wandering around until she "bumps into" something that makes sense. Seeing her now I think she may be right. She's still trying, but she looks terrible, I think she's drinking (or worse) and she's pretty lost inside herself - sometimes it's like looking at a ghost.   I wish I could take the person who did this to her and throttle her, but that still won't bring my sister back. Why are some people so awful?

sister

[bunny]

Your sister needs appropriate help. The shrink she has been seeing, or saw, isn't competent enough. There is help for people who have been traumatized and abused, but the person or family has to find the best professional for the job.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Bunny. More competent help is necessary. The therapist might also encourage AA, NA(whatever may be applicable).

[Anonymous]

Hey there,

I wish I could take the person who did this to her and throttle her, but that still won't bring my sister back. Why are some people so awful?

sister

Sister:  It sounds like you all might know what happened to her? I'm kinda confused around that point.

If you all do, then finding a therapist that is very used to working with people that have gone through the same thing, might be a good idea.

[Explore]

You sound to me like you know precisely what happened and is happening to your sister.
It's not good enough to voice your dissatisfaction with the way she is behaving now.  Your post is full of blame, blame the new boyfriend, just plain saying she's "lost it" is extremely invalidating.
You say "SHE" is your sister..unless you lived in different houses with different parents, your shared time with her puts you in a much better position than any of us to at least venture to speculate on what caused this change in her.
Could you risk starting again please because your post just sounds like your sisters present state of mind is "bugging you", cramping your style, in the way of "you".  If you want me to agree with you that your sister has a problem i'm willing to do that, but why..that is the question.
Explore

[Anonymous]

My sister and I grew up apart (I was fostered) and there's a big age gap between us. Like I said, she's always been pretty demanding, but now what she's doing is downright dangerous. She's not working, not living where she says she is and she blows off all advice to seek help/treatment. She's not " bugging"  me - I'm worried about her. She used to be so alive and full of plans, but now she's slipping further and further into some kind of twilight zone " reality"  in which she takes no responsibility for her actions whatsoever. Like I said, I know abuse exists, I know N's are evil and cause tremendous damage, but my sister right now is damaging herself and others and all under the cover of massive denial! I want my sister back for her own sake as well as ours, but nothing I say can make her see sense!

Sister