making things up

[vunil as guest]

Ok, most times I have a long conversation with the N's in my family I have to post here  But I'm feeling really confused and angry and shaken.

Why do N's make things up?  Both my parents do this, as does my sister.  Just now my sister has let me know that my doctor is a bad doctor.  She knows this because...?  She knows nothing about him, does not live in the same city that I do.  She also has decided that I like him because he is "nice" and I am "fooled by him."  Also, I will end up like a patient of hers (she is a doctor) who had a "nice" but terrible doctor who utterly mistreated her and the poor patient ended up with a baby that didn't live (died in the womb).  Somehow my doctor is going to do this to me, too....?  Nice, huh?  She said the part about the baby dying as if "aha!  I have proven it!"  But nothing that bad doctor did has anything in common with how my doctor behaves-- I have no idea what the connection is.

Earlier she has decided I would have twins (I am not) that my clinic tends to produce twins (they do not) and that I would never be accepted by the clinic I chose to get pregnant (they accepted me).  She also decided that I had to go to her friend for treatment, even though her friend does not treat people my age with my history.  She was furious when I didn't follow her (very bad) advice.

What the heck?  I know that making things up is more of a paranoia thing, but it seems to go along with N, too, because (1) it always magically puts me down, and (2) nothing I say will change her mind.

Here's the kicker, too-- the mistakes she says my doctor made, she made-- when I used to ask her about medical stuff, she gave me all sorts of bad advice.  She remembers telling me all sorts of stuff (that turned out to be right) that in fact she never told me-- the opposite, in fact.  She remembers me ignoring her correct advice!  Even though she utterly made it up.  She discouraged me from the thing that eventually saved me-- the clinic I went to, and was very scornful of my doctor there (who is the best in the country-- this isn't N of me-- it's what I learned from lots of research on him).

It is just spooky.  I am going to have trouble sleeping tonight    

Please help me understand?  Do you guys ever experience this?

[Stormchild]

It's about control and projection.

She's trying to put her garbage on you, V.

Bunny should have some very astute things to say about this.

But for now - it's garbage.

[As an aside: what kind of doctor would maliciously predict a poor outcome for any other doctor's patient and enjoy doing so? That's what she's doing here. Yecch.]

((((((((((Vunil)))))))))) ((((((((((baby))))))))))

[write]

for many people to say negative ( even shocking or terrifying ) things as a way of taking the wind out your sails, and as someone said it's a control thing.

I would practice some phrases like ' oh that's terrible that happened to her' then change the subject.

By how tenaceous she is you can see what's really going on, if you can disengage from it emotionally.

An n friend recently called and said he was so sorry my son had moved out. I was trying to be tactful ( he lost contact with his daughter ) but said oh he stayed here the last two nights: he didn't hear me and went on commiserating at length about 'my' situation; really it was just projecting his own of course.

It was quite benign so I was able to listen and empathise ( yeah I know, ironic )

If it gets toxic the only thing is to end the conversation. Sometimes the relationship...

Talking to you about dead babies is definitely toxic. Protect yourself, limit the contact, don't ask for advice etc.

I'd guess doc-sis is resentful or jealous?

Take care.

[mum]

Geeez,Vunil.  Yuck.  try to let that go....breathe through it....breathe some positive thoughts in to your baby and do not hold onto that crap at all.
I have an N friend who is a doctor who does this same kind of catastrophizing.  Bedside manner of Atilla the Hun.
Stormchild is right....it's all garbage of her making...nutty, crazy, insane garbage, not for you to even give more thought to.  So sorry.
What the heck is wrong with people (doctors too, ugh) and the stuff they tell pregnant woman?  Jealousy, projection.....etc etc. All coming from thier own insanity, having nothing to do with you.

[vunil as guest]

Thanks, everyone!  It is LONELY having crazy relatives.  And as smart as I think I am I keep being surprised by how crazy they are.

Does it sound nutty of me to say that I think she secretly wishes me ill?  Why would she say these really negative things to me, as if she is cursing me?  She also talks a lot about all of the things that can go wrong.  Last conversation I said that down's syndrome was the most likely problem at this point and she said "OH NO! Not at all!  There are a lot of more serious chromosomal abnormalities that are even more common."

That turns out to be b.s.  My pregnancy is pretty far along now and down's is by far the most likely problem now.  The more serious stuff is quite rare after the first trimester (you don't keep the pregnancy that long with them).  She must know that-- I am not a doctor and I know it.

Magically the stuff she makes up is negative.  I am very upset now, and shaken, but am I right she is secretly wishing me ill?  I have thought that about my parents, too, my whole life.  Some sort of secret wish to see harm befall me.

Do you know how scary that is?  I am feeling really terrified.  thanks everyone for the good wishes-- I am going to pray for some guidance and protection.  I feel just really scared right now, probably reliving childhood fears.  I'll sleep with my dog-- she'll eat them if they try to hurt me...

[Stormchild Guesting]

Does it sound nutty of me to say that I think she secretly wishes me ill?  Why would she say these really negative things to me, as if she is cursing me?  She also talks a lot about all of the things that can go wrong.

V., the only nutty part here is your use of the word 'secretly'. This is the most blatant piece of vicious ill-wishing I've seen since I kissed my momma goodbye for the last time.

I am sorry that she has frightened you so. What a monster. Cuddle your doggy and imagine angels all around you facing outward to protect you... and your baby... and your doggy... from everything bad, including this lousy excuse for a Hippocratic oathtaker's bad thoughts.

They have massive golden shields, and swords of golden flame. And you are completely safe, surrounded by them on all sides, and they are hovering above you and below you too, since matter is only something they have to pay attention to if they want to.

Sleep surrounded by watchful protectors, in peace, in calm, in safety.

[Anonymous]

Hi Vunil,

Sorry your sister is such a dog in the manger. She seems to have severe problems with envy and boundaries. What you call 'making things up' is her version of reality. She is crazy. You might try avoiding conversations with her about anything substantive. She isn't a good person to talk to. I'm sure you wish you had a sister to share these things with but she ain't it.   We'll be like sisters instead. Now please ignore all the moronic things she said.

bunny

[write]

for the first time in years- believe me there were a few people wished me ill, through their own jealousy or inadequacy, none of whom were narcissistic.

It's a human trait unfortunately.

Someone said to me recently: you can tell who your supporters are most of all not when things go wrong for you, but who still supports you when things are great.

Consider your sister's issues and problems ( and anyone else who ever tries to detract from you ) their own.

You're wonderful and don't need their validation or half-assed support.

[d's mom]

vunil:

ive only had time to peek in today but this was so horrible... i cant believe she is so horrible when you are trying to 'cook' yourself a healthy baby.  you ask:

Does it sound nutty of me to say that I think she secretly wishes me ill? Why would she say these really negative things to me, as if she is cursing me? She also talks a lot about all of the things that can go wrong.

Magically the stuff she makes up is negative. I am very upset now, and shaken, but am I right she is secretly wishing me ill? I have thought that about my parents, too, my whole life. Some sort of secret wish to see harm befall me.

i guess i dont think i have to tell you, my 'family' makes up stuff interminably.  negative reinforcement. negative projection. negative expectations.  

they do have a desire to see others fail, becuase they are soooooo incredibly insecure. if others fail, they get to be the 'rescuer' or play some other role of necessity. if people around them are competent and secure and dont need them, they are faced with their own black hole of emotional worthlessness.  they will definitely create crisis if none is there, to meet this 'need to be needed'.

so you ask why??? why does your sister want to say these nasty things that make you feel like crap? this is the mental image i got from your post:

i imagined you and your sister standing together on a balance beam.....

your sister reaches out and gives you a SHOVE. what do you do? you are unbalanced, start flailing around and either fall, or grab onto -her- for support.

i think your sister -does- purposely seek to unbalance you mentally..... by saying frightening or downright mean things.....  because if you are emotinally unbalanced, she hopes that you will turn to her for support and she can feel 'needed'.  a low down dirty way to do that is to say things that make you afraid, insecure, or in need of 'advice'. if she is lucky, she will make you get so insecure that you will turn to her for support, and she can validate her pathetic measly existence.

i think that is horrendous and im so sorry that you feel upset in any way, when you are trying to be pregnant, please try to put it out of your head and relax..... i know thats easier said than done. but.... geez. ick.!

ick. ick ick. im sorry she made you upset     hope you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Vunil:

Yep is is a sad state to have nutzo relatives.  You know what?  Your sister is a dog in the manager for saying all these bad things to you.  Does she think your present OB/GYN got his/her degree from a diploma factory? It is quite obvious, especially to her, that she knows everything, can predict everything, and is all seeing.  Let me dial her up and see if she can predict the future of my autistic son?

This is the happiest time in your life.  You really don't need your sister projecting all this garbage on to you right now.  Enjoy your pregnancy and press the ignore button.  Keep your calls to the bare minimum and go on about your life.  This is the only way I have learned to survive.  

Patz

[Portia]

Vunil, I don’t have any first-blood siblings – lucky me? But if they treated me like that I just wouldn’t speak to them. She won’t help you one jot. She’ll try and hinder you and your brain is telling you she’s dangerous. Good old brain, it wants to protect your baby.

Your baby is your family, not that malicious excuse for a woman. I wouldn’t let her within 50 yards of me. She is dangerous but you’re a pretty foxy lady in the brain department. Hunker yourself together and get real primitive about your baby, concentrate on your hormones, I bet they know how to protect you!

It’s not nice to think your sister wishes you physical ill, but I think she does. You’re in shock and who wouldn’t be? Anger comes next, then denial (?can’t remember the sequence now) then sadness and acceptance.

You just lost a sister, I’m sorry. But if it’s a choice between her and your baby? Well. Take care Vunil.

[Anonymous]

Hi Vunil:

I'm sorry that your sister is behaving this way and for the hurt that her doing so is causing.   It's not very nice.

To sort of paraphrase what Mum said on another thread.....try to move away, emotionally, from her and her big yacking about gloom and doom.   If you can possibly just think:

"All her nastiness bores me to tears/puts me in a bad mood."

And just do your best to discard it and the negative energy coming from it.   This will help you to shield yourself and your baby from her, which is what is needed right now, imo.

Now that you are past the first trimester and doing well, the most common dangers are over.   There have been billions of babies born in this world, many of them without any medical intervention at all, and they lived and are big strapping men, now, or gorgeous healthy ladies.  So will your child be one day!

Picture him/her healthy and strong, in your mind, and enjoy the thoughts of cuddling, caring for, getting to know your child.  Focus on the wonder and the beauty of pregnancy and let your sister's  junk float away, disintegrate into worthless nothingness......which is exactly what it is.

Because the chances are very, very high that every negative thing she says/predicts.....will not happen and you don't need to waste your energy worrying about it.   You don't have to write her off immediately, if that's too hard.  Just say:  "Oh your gloom and doom bores me" and if she keeps up, end the conversation and go be at peace with the miracle growing inside you, remembering that her words are worthless/weightless/useless nothing!

(((((((((Vunil))))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Does it sound nutty of me to say that I think she secretly wishes me ill?

No it doesn't sound nutty in the least.

Some people especially Ns seem to take great pleasure from the misfortune of others.  Not that you have any misfortune regarding your pregnancy but she likes to think that in her own warped mind.  

How far along are you BTW?  I didn't read all the posts so forgive me if you already mentioned it.
 
Praying for the health of you and your baby along with a lifetime of happiness.  

((Vunil))  ((sweet baby))
Mia

[longtire]

I have heard of a "bun in the oven."  But, what is a "dog in the manger?"

Vunil, you deserve to be around people who are happy for you and care about your happiness.  Don't waste any more time or thought on her.  Spend it on good things in your life.

[Anonymous]

Dog in the manger means someone who is envious and tries to sabotage another person's good fortune. I don't know the origin but maybe it has something to do with an apocryphal story about the Nativity(?)

bunny