"aloneness" after distancing from Nparent and fami

[longtire]

Hi nightsong!  

The existential loneliness comes I am sure, as others have said, from that lack of a secure base when we were little. Children need to be loved by their parents to feel safe in the world. We moved around a lot when I was small so there is nowhere that feels like home to me as well as no people who are my family apart from my partner and children. And even there, though I have tried so hard, I know I haven't succeeded in creating the sort of solid base for them that I would have wanted. It's much better than I had, but still ... how was I to know how to do that for them? When my children were little I didn't realise how damaged I was and I damaged them in turn. And so the cycle goes on.

I know what you mean.  I knew for a long time while my daughter was growing up that I had problems that kept me from being close to her, but I didn't know what to do about it.  Now that I'm better, I have apologized to her for allowing my issues to effect her.  I've told her that I want to be closer to her, help her, guide her, talk with her, accept responsibility for my actions or lack of them.  Most important, I tell her that I love her, that she's extremely important to me, that she matters, that I like being around her and talking with her and getting to know her better.  I've also told her that I want her to feel safe enough to be able to come to me and tell me when she's upset, angry, hurt, etc.  We are still working on this last one.  I know from my own experience that it is never too late to have your parents talk with you and tell you whow loved and important you are to them.

BTW, my daughter is 16 now, so she can handle quite a bit of deep, age-appropriate discussion.  I can see how I would need to express a lot of things very differently if her brain hadn't started growing up yet.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,
I don't know if my expreience is helpful to anyone, but I grew up in a fairly happy family, at least I thought it was. I had a good childhood, if not a perfect one.
My loneliness comes from desertion, as an adult, by a family that I thought I could count on. When my brother began the same character assasination on me that he has practiced on other people I never conceived that members of my family would actually believe him or at best just stand aside while he tried to destroy me. It has been a real eye opening experience to see just how much you can count on 'blood' relatives when the fat hits the fire.
I think Samantha had it right. Find husbands, friends, kids, animals to build a new life around. At least they will be with you by choice.

mudpup

[Top_Witch3]

I can relate to most of the posters above - I'm the only child of an N father and enabling mother.

At the age of 17 I left home and at the age of 24 I "divorced" them both.  Frankly, it was the only thing that kept me sane.

I'm now 56.  I did spend Easter alone but since time spent by myself means time not being hurt I look at it as a positive thing.  My children went to the families of their spouses and called me en route.  They've always known that I don't mind spending holidays alone and I've never made them feel guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

I did spend Easter alone but since time spent by myself means time not being hurt I look at it as a positive thing.

Ain't that the truth! Top_Witch, do you find that you aren't able to 'do' social functions for more than a limited period of time? I will go, when I know and like the people involved, but even then I usually leave after two - three hours at most. No fussing, just a sense that it's time to head home, a round of sincere thanks to hosts and guests, and a quiet departure.

Causes problems at work, when office parties are on the premises and last all the livelong day. I just show up, get a cuppa, have a donut, and go back to work after about five minutes of small talk with whoever there can be relied upon to be courteous for that length of time. [If I want to eat donuts with people, I'll do it in my spare time, with people who like me.]

Stormchild

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the delay in responding - busy time at work with the end of quarter.

It was funny that you mention work social functions.  Everyone knows that I don't go.  Don't attend the annual xmas party, or go out to lunch with co-workers, or meet for a drink after work.

That being said, I have a lot of friendly relationships with my co-workers and as far as I can tell they just think it's a quirk I have (or that I'm secretly a CIA operative in my spare time).

[Stormchild Guesting]

**Caution: Diatribe follows. I thought I was going to present a calmly drawn picture of my workplace, and wow look what came out of the woodwork. This is not aimed at anyone here, it's just a spontaneous rant. Thanks, Top_Witch, for givimg me a leader in to this, it's obviously something I really!!! needed to unload.**

I used to have much friendlier interactions with colleagues, but all of the folks I really got on well with ended up disgusted at the way they were being treated, one way and another, and have left. I helped quite a few of them make that decision, too, and I actually helped one get away... but I've been stranded here by a string of catastrophes (you do not go on job interviews when you are tube-feeding a sick animal to save its life [ it worked]... or when you are homeless from being stalked, and living in a bud's back room).

I'm fairly sure the powers that be are aware that I've encouraged my pals to get out, but I haven't noticed them treating their excellent (responsible, committed) employees any better as a consequence. Presently, the office is deserted most days - anyone who can work at home is doing so as much as possible, and a lot of folks have switched to part time if they have a spouse. It's pretty obvious that nobody likes being there, or they'd be there, wouldn't they... but the idea of making it a more pleasant place to be, by treating one another with courtesy, never seems to occur to 'em.

I have experienced remarkable rudeness in a number of different work settings, but nothing like the things I routinely encounter where I am now. Even the people I tend to get along with treat me like a piece of furniture half the time. Whew! End of tirade. Thanks, y'all, for listening.

Storm

[Grace]

Yes, I hear you. I know the loneliness too. It's a emptiness. Its
a grieving. Its sometimes envy for others who have a loving family. Its
feeling unsafe in the world. Its fearing the future. Its sometimes subtle and sometimes overwhelming. I counteract it by reminding myself to feel grateful for what I do have. No one has everything in life. Even the people who had loving families dont have everything.

This board helps me feel less lonely.

Grace

[chutzbagirl]

This thread caught my eye because I have been struggling with deep loneliness.  I think I've always been lonely - makes sense coming from a N family.  However, I used to be able to keep myself fairly numb with performing/people pleasing.  Now, my old trusty methods aren't working for me anymore...so the loneliness has set in like a thick morning fog.  Much of the time I am unable to see where I am going.  I am told this is part of the 'healing process'.    I wonder what life is going to look and feel like once the fog lifts?

Chutzbagirl

[Anonymous]

Chutzbagirl:

I can relate totally with the "being in a fog".  It as if you cannot think clearly on just about anything.  It is part of the depression of realizing that you came from a family of Ns, have dealt with N's, and the knowledge you cannot connect with your family of N's.  The seperation and realization that "it's not me, but it's them" syndrome sets in.

Part of the detaching process is the aloneness and the realization that your life is up toy now.  To make it what you will DESPITE where you came from.  The important fact I came to realize "it is not where you have been, but where you are going" as the driving force.

No matter how much magical thinking on my part was going to change my family into "the Cleavers".  There was no Ward or June going to greet me at breakfast every morning and say how are you, or if I had a problem "lets work it out".  It was not going to happen.  The lifting of the "fog" is a process and you must allow it to work it out.  

If you are not seeing a therapist I encourage you to do so.  This will help.  Grieving of a family is no small matter and you must allow yourself the lattitude to do this.  There are no "shoulds" in this  only what is comfortable to  you.  Just don't be hard on yourself.  

That black cloud you wake up with each morning will eventually go away as you replace the N's, the N "tapes" with positive people, loving other people who love you back, and doing those things that are constructive for you each day.  Even if it is just making a cup of tea for yourself.  The small things really begin to add up.  Pretty soon the elephant is out of the room.

Much love, Patz

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Patz,

Thanks for your encouragement.     The loneliness is hard to admit.  I am seeing a counselor.  I struggle with expecting myself to be 3 steps ahead each time I go in.  But, my progress is slow and painful.  I am enjoying my alone time, which is a little odd for an extravert.  But, not very many people understand what it's like to have no choice but to turn away from family.  

I have a husband and children.  My husband and I are committed, but he does not have the ability to give my heart what it needs on a consistent basis.  He is a critical 'thinker' and I am a sensitive 'feeler'.  Why we are programmed to marry our opposites and people that remind us of our pasts is a frustrating riddle to me.  However, I attend Al Anon and am doing all I can to heal - but I guess it takes a while.  

I am amazed at the drop in my energy level and vitality in general.  I used to train for marathons - can't even imagine doing that now.  Taking a nice long walk or doing yoga is more my speed these days.  

My two favorite family members passed away years ago.  I am missing them terribly.     So I'm just putting one foot infront of the other; doing my best to trust this process and believe the pain will pass someday.  Just when I think the 'old me' is coming back, I dip back down and have to accept my lower level of productivity and saddened mood.  

Thanks again for your encouragement.  I've been pming more than posting.  It's hard for me to 'confess' how much I struggle.

chutzbagirl

[Anonymous]

Chutzpagirl:

No need to apologize about the struggle.  That's what  it is every day,  a struggle just to stay even.  Believe it or not most of us here at the board face this.  This is the residual of being around Ns.  Even post N 8 years I have bad days, puncuated by major anxiety attacks.  They are further apart than they were, but I still experience them.  There was about a 3  year period of my life that is a total blank due to depression and anxiety.  I was taking care of so much that when it finally came to an end, the bottom fell out.  

Being alone can be a companion of a sorts.  It leaves you to think about things and to work through issues.  Your husband being the "thinker" tends to put things in a logical context.  The fall out with N's does  not bend itself to analysis because to much of the subjective self is involved in what happened to you.  In other words you almost had to be there with you and your N family to really understand what went on.  At least he is trying to figure it out and that has to be of some comfort.

Glad to see you are going to Al-non.  That should be of some help as well.  Just give yourself the luxury of grieving.  I came to think of my own circumstances as the death of what I wanted in a family and expected.  I grieved my expectations, what I experienced and finally came the acceptance of my family for what they are.  N's.  To expect anything else is to subject myself to being used, manipulated, minimized and more importantly, just indiffernet to my needs.  

You can work through this, just give yourself the time.  

Patz