A relationship saved - pulling out all the stops

[Harumph]

Forgive the dramatic title but

My father closed a bank account without telling me,which would have caused me to go overdrawn had I not found out. He was living in my house - rent free - just covering the mortage at the time - the money was for this. I was selling the house back to him.

I questioned him about it. I asked him whether he thought it was underhand. He disagreed - obviously.

This was after he had also stopped a direct debit, without telling me.

Apparently he 'didn't think'

So after a few e-mails on the subject I sent him this :-

my previous e-mail :-
yes I did know that was the arrangement. i also think it is considerate to tell people who are affected by what you do.

It is a simple way of showing respect for someone.

If you recall the last time we met - your actions then were of a very similar nature. - of course you included lying in your forte on that occasion. (when I asked you for the money you said "I haven't got it" after a lot of shouting you then proceeded to give it to me!

     Hasn't it occured to you that I changed the e-mail because  I didn't know the account was closed? if the mail was changed you could then go on to use it if you so wished.


I should add that:- why did you lie, shout and scream on my doorstep when all I had done is ask for the ten pounds you owed me?

You had already agreed that you owed me ten pounds in an e-mail and i quote "alright I'll take your word for it. I'll owe you ten pounds"

So why the big reaction when you had agreed to it? why the lying and attempts to belittle me?

3 weeks later he replied, pulling out all the stops, in a last big effort to save our relationship. It is likely that this is the last communication I will ever receive from him. ( I know, drama again )

HIs reply :-

Found a sheepskin coat in the bedroom cupboard would it be yours??

Well I was insulted by this- thinking what the hell is he on?


Now one year later the mud is finally clearing. I found out online that at around this time he had put the house up for sale.

It was sold and he was gone one month later. So it's still one inexplicable comment.

So thanks to me, I sold the house at a cut price - after all, he was my father - I put myself in the position of helping him. His role of playing the pity card, I fell for completely - completely missed how anyone approaching being a normal father would not encourage his son to buy a house from him so he could get out of debt. When he was 19.
But I sold it back to him - and got the complete proof of what a tw*t he actually is.
So he did it too me again.

I can forgive myself for what I did when I was 19, but it was and still is damned hard to accept.
 
Feb 25th 2004 -

Found a sheepskin coat in the bedroom cupboard would it be yours??

A completely innocent comment until you know the backstory.


I presume he has now retired (he needed the extra money to have enough to live on) which I helped him attain, and moved in with his girlfriend. Which he said on the phone to me "I think it's run it's course"

Feelings are so complicated - you see, selling the house back to him, I thought he would have somewhere to live and he would have something to pass on to my sisters - a legacy (I remember him expressing this years ago, after his divorced - his ex-wife got the house)

Something I think I will never get over. Move on from, yes.

But that's really just the top of the iceberg.

My only determination left, which is kind of like revenge - is to move house and make sure that not one of them hears from me again.

To treat them as they have treated me, in fact. That's all.

Completely Harumph.

[bunny]

I don't understand the situation that well -- but -- your father sounds like a sociopath. Therefore you will only get lied to and cheated.   I'm very sorry you have to deal with him. It's not fair.

bunny

[Harumph]

thanks for the reply, Bunny.

I don't really have to deal with him any more - only the fallout in my mind and the feelings of rage.

He's gone - and I aint going to ask where. I also am not in contact with the other members of my family who are,in a way, implicit in this.

But I guess it's not their job to speak up. After all, if they do - like I did - they know what will happen. Father will completely write them out of their lives.

My mother also does the same thing - it's the big threat.

Except my mother cut me out. refused to speak to me. At the same time she plays the pity card to anyone who will listen.

Anything to make it appear that she is not the one with the problem.


That's one of the major things that keeps you in the 'game'

You are being spoken about unjustly to others and you keep trying to explain yourself to those (like siblings) your mother has spoken to about you. To put right the slanders and the lies.

But you just become an annoyance - they don't want to know. They're quite prepared to listen to mother on about it, but god forbid you say anything or try to put them right

Their big thing is TIME. if they cut you out for a long period, how can you then bring it up again? It makes you even more seem like the bad one - and they play the game of 'forgetting about it and moving on'

and with all the lies and talking behind peoples backs about what people are 'like'

who can even follow it, after time has gone past?

My mother would talk about you as a youngster when you were still in the room, and still does. inventing things about what you are 'like' - what you like and dislike - discussing it. without any knowledge whatsoever of the person standing right there in the room. wouldn't even occur to her to ask.

after all, she would say "i know you better than you know yourself"

it's really the fall out that I have to handle. I want to stay resolute and not seek out contact but I want to work through the anger.

I have to make time my friend and i hope the feelings will eventually subside, as I work through them.

But god forbid my father appears - I would feel I want to kill him.

I do realised it's ok to feel that, and writing this I  feel pretty sure, I would never do it.

For a time I wasn't so sure.

Anyway , hey ho a ramblin we go

Harumph

[Portia]

Hello Harumph, you’re talking in pounds, maybe you’re in the UK as I am? Not that it matters too much, apart from maybe a common language (which can matter!).

My mother would talk about you as a youngster when you were still in the room, and still does. inventing things about what you are 'like' - what you like and dislike - discussing it. without any knowledge whatsoever of the person standing right there in the room. wouldn't even occur to her to ask.

I hear you. Did she continue doing this throughout your life, not just when you were young? Mine does, not that she gets much chance these days.

after all, she would say "i know you better than you know yourself"

This is a terrible tactic to use on a child. The child believes what the adult says – the child doubts his or her own mind. The adult attempts to control the child’s mind, making the child an extension of themselves. You weren’t allowed to be your own person. Your own self!

it's really the fall out that I have to handle. I want to stay resolute and not seek out contact but I want to work through the anger.

We all want to be loved. Anger with our parents comes and goes I feel. One day I think I’ve had enough of being angry and hey presto, another memory surfaces and I’m angry again. But if you work through enough memories and discover that:

It wasn’t ever your fault
You deserve to live and be loved
You are not a bad person
You don’t have to prove anything to do as you wish
You are not responsible for anyone (other than your own children)
You are especially not responsible for your mother or father or siblings
You are responsible for how you think and feel: and you can change these but it’s very hard work..

…the anger does lessen. It does!

Your parents it seems aren’t able to love you at all. You can seek that love (recognition, apology from them) but it most likely won’t happen. The problem is how to remove, or at least lessen, your need for those things from them. Getting angry is a good way: crying for your lost childhood and grieving for the love you didn’t have might help.

I’m sorry Harumph. Please tell us more about your childhood if you wish.

[Anonymous]

Hi Harumph,

after all, she would say "i know you better than you know yourself"

I hadn't realized until now that my brother has a twin sister living elsewhere (your mother).  
I cannot tell you how many times i've heard this same crappy line from him. The ironic thing is all he knows about me is how to manipulate me. I don't think he has any clue about what is inside of me because normal decent emotions and motivations are completely foreign to him.
I also have had to sit through the slanders and lies and wonder who believes what, and try to decide whether to defend myself or just keep away from the whole disgusting mess.

I feel so sorry for you. Having both parents that way must be terribly hard. Just try and let the hatred go. Anger very easily can turn into hatred, and hate is most harmful to you not them.
If you would like to PM me about anything feel free.

mudpuppy

[Harumph]

Thanks you for the replies


Essentially what my Father has done I find so offensive that there is no reason I will want anything to do with him again.

He knows what he has done and it is obvious he will do nothing about it.
Nobody else is asking questions either -- I just have to let it go, and I will.

I think part of the difficulty is that I am making decisions ahead of time (like not going to his funeral - a long way off yet probably)and I kind of feel others will think bad of me for doing it.

But it's not something that's even real - as he's not dead! I think part of the feelings are entirely natural in this sitatution as we are all part of society. A soceity which has used shame as a form of social control, so to subvert that (ie by deciding not to have anything to do with one's parents or not to go to funerals ) strong feelings arise.

It is to do with the nature of society itself, in a way, as I'm going against the grain and not many people will understand that.
We are social animals and the desire to fit in is a strong one ie be part of a group- so by doing this I am very definitiely not fitting in.

Not sure if this is confusing or makes perfect sense, but I hope you get what I mean

I guess by processing all these feelings now (well there isn't any other time   ) when the time comes for things like that it won't matter so much.

There's a chance I won't get to hear about it anyway.

Portia you mentioned childhood. I could mention a few good things about it (irony alert) but I find that childhood only becomes important as a result of what happened recently - what they have done when I was an adult. That led me to question, go back and find similar instances to paint  a picture of myself and of my parents.
It is what they have done recently that as provided me, in a sense, with the proof, and validation of my childhood feelings. The feelings were never expressed as a child,but still remained and distorted (very much so) my life as an adult.
I spent a long time thinking about suicide (years) it doesn't mean that i was serious about doing it, it just means I was frightened of the thoughts I was thinking, knowing I couldn't share them. I was frightened that I would not be able to stop myself and just suddenly jump off a bridge as I was walking past.
Lots of stuff ...
It says a lot about me as a person that I gave them the chances I did. When I needed anything, or expressed myself to both parents
saying "why did you lie to me" to my father or just "there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about" to my mother (i had written down a letter to go over with her, again it was about recent events and not childhood ones) I tried to do it in a reasonable way, but I am given the worst motives in the world for even attempting to do it.
I now know it doesn't describe me but is all about her and her reaction.

I found their reactions hard to understand and very painful partly because of me - if someone was to bring up a difficult subject or I had hurt their feelings I am (would have been) more than prepared to listen.
Me Speaking up, I didn't see as this big.horrible thing it was made out to be, they made it into such and in a sense they both chose not to have contact with me (separately as they are divorced)

I can hardly contact them after that, can I? Why would I want to?

Course my mother telephoned me late at night 9 months later and left two messages on the answer phone.
trying to sound as distresses and a heartbroken as possible -she agreed to meet for coffee - as response to the apology letter i sent her after i spoke up to her - she hung up and seconds later she left another message
she told me her name and her telephone number and said "Thank you" as if she was leaving a message to some business.

Ridiculous !

Seriously though - thanks for the replies. It's nice to know someone has taken the time to read and understands this kind of situation:)




Enough, already

[Anonymous]

Hello Harumph:

It is what they have done recently that as provided me, in a sense, with the proof, and validation of my childhood feelings.

This makes a lot of sense.  As an adult, you understand more and know more about what to expect from parents.  If yours haven't been as to be expected, over the years, you've probably seen other people's parents' behaviour and noted the differences with yours, as you grew up.

As a kid, you only knew what they did... hurt, but as you age, you see a repeat, it reminds you of that past event that hurt, and you are now "big" enough to say: "It hurt!" (less fear than in childhood, of parents??).

In childhood, you don't realize that you have a right to express yourself and be respected.  Now that you're a grown up, you have this information and feel cheated, by their not giving you that back then, and determined to make it known/prevent any more of lack of it/maybe even get back some of what was with held?

I'm sorry your parents treated you in such a crappy way, Harumph.
You don't have to have anything to do with him/them if you choose not to.
This won't make you a bad person or a bad son or a bad anything.
It's your right to protect yourself from being used any more and from being hurt any more.
Many here say distancing yourself from people who do those things is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I agree.  It won't take the pain of what they have already given you away, but it will take the opportunity away for them to give you any more.

And you can begin to heal.

GFN

[write]

"I think it's run it's course"

what a despicable comment for anyone to hear from a parent. We were just unlucky in who we got for parents...and they'll never step up to the plate or truly value us; we're just a commodity for them.

As someone said you deserve so much more.

What a jerk.

Take care

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