Emotional battering

[October]

Many of you will remember that my ex was in hospital.  C and I visited yesterday and found him very sleepy, incoherent, rambling, unable to feed himself or take his medication, double incontinent, jaundiced, and reporting falls and hallucinations.  You name it, really.  We took him some sweets, and he couldn't find his mouth with his hand to eat them.

I today phoned and requested the hospital to carry out a brain scan to see whether his cancer has spread, causing him to have the seizures, blackouts, falls, incoherance and memory loss of recent weeks.  I even spoke to his sister last night by phone and we seemed to have some meeting of minds, and she agreed with this strategy.

C and I planned to buy him some new slippers and pyjamas, and to take them on our next visit, in either a week or a fortnight.

Tonight I hear that he has discharged himself from hospital, with his parents co-operation, and that they have driven him back to his flat, where he lives on his own.  Tomorrow I plan to inform the hospital that in my view he is not mentally competent to discharge himself, and to ask that they inform his GP of my opinion.

Speaking to his dad tonight, he said he doesn't think that ex has cancer at all, because he doesn't know anything about it.   I described the facts as I know them in detail but he kept saying he didn't know anything about it.  And I was telling him!!!  He couldn't explain the seizures etc at all, but said 'perhaps it was drink'.  After thirty years of denying the alcoholism, suddenly maybe that is the better option after all.     And he said ex's N?mum burst into tears when she saw him wanting to go home, but said at the same time she had had enough, and would not have him in her house to look after, because she cannot cope any more.   Nice parents.

I am now planning to take my daughter and buy her a ring and me some slippers, instead of anything for her dad.  We are both left very emotionally battered and bruised, and feeling totally used.  Again.

I dare not even begin to tell my family, because their anger would be incandescent, and all aimed at me.  

Trying to repair the damage once again.  Meanwhile, ex is dying and I appear to be the only person who can see it.  And his parents have taken him home, perhaps to die, and left him there.  His dad said they have spring cleaned his flat and he can't want for anything.  They plan to visit him in a few days, and go with him to see his GP, perhaps next week.  

Sorry to be overdramatic, but this is an unbelievable situation.  No idea how to support my daughter through this.  What a mess!!!

The whole world has gone mad.  Or is it me?  Or is it the whole world?  Or are we all mad, in one shade of grey or another.  Or perhaps life is just a huge practical joke, that one day we will  laugh at, when we find out what the punch line is.  It had better be good.  

[Stormchild]

God, October, I'm so sorry.

This does sound like alcoholic cirrhosis... not that I'm certain, but it does have a lot of the hallmarks. I'm so sorry. And the denial and the selfishness on the part of his family would be par for the course if it's alcoholism.

You did the right thing, and deciding to follow up with the GP is also the right thing. Unfortunately, your ex has the legal right to destroy himself... and his parents have the legal right to abet it... and I am so sorry for your daughter, and so sorry for you.

((((((((((October & Daughter))))))))))

[N-Jaded]

Oh My Gosh October, it is an unbelievable situation.  It could be one of of a number of things. But you are right, he certainly shouldn't have been able to sign himself out. Is there any visiting nurses checking in on him?  How long has he been this ill?  Is it possible that if it is CA that he never told his parents?

God Bless You All,
N-Jaded

[d's mom]

just hugs october.
((((((((((october)))))))))
wishing safety for al of you.

[Anonymous]

October:

I had a similar situation with my now deceased N husband.  He  had congestive heart failure.  I remember going to the doctor with him and the doctor telling him the things he needed to do.  When my H left the room, I just looked at his doctor and told him he probably was not going to do any of the things he suggested.  He replied, "then he is on a downhill slope and he will die and early death."  This is what happened because of my H denial.

Denial is a very hard thing to cut through when your ex is and N and the parents are Ns.  There is nothing you can do about this.  You see it happening before you and the best you can do is to prepare your daughter for the outcome.  I am very sorry for this situation for you.  I am just glad  you and your daugther are not living in the midst of this situation right now.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and  your daughter.

Patz

[dogbit]

October.  This is a really horrible situation.  I am so sorry for you and for your daughter.  When my children were young, fortunately, we could rely on our spiritual beliefs to help us understand things like this that had no good answer.  Basically, you do everything you can and then you let God take over.  I am definitely not evangelicizing.  It's just the only thing we could do.  I had a very similar situation where my husband was very ill (abrupt alcohol withdrawal) and when I tried to get help for him through his doctor and get him into a hospital, he went into the worst rage I have ever seen in my life.   That's when I really had to accept the fact that I could only do so much and then I had to be OK with walking away irregardless of the consequences.  But your daughter is so young to understand all this.  I'm thinking of you...Take care.  Bittles

[October]

Thanks all for your support.  I really value it, and I am not worried if anyone talks of faith.  That is part of who I am too.

Latest from this morning is that I spoke to a nurse friend last night, then phoned the hospital patient liaison service this morning.  I told them that I wanted it documented that I believe ex is not able or fit to look after himself, and that in my view he is a danger to himself.  The nurse there agreed that when he was discharged they did not think he was fit to leave, but that they had no choice but to let him go.  I said that is fine, but if there is an inquest I want it known that I have made this call.  

Then I rang the GP and asked for the practice manager, and told him pretty well the same.  He said if I got ex's dad to ring this morning, he would make sure a GP went today for a home visit to assess ex.  Then I rang exFIL, who was angry with me, said I was not entitled to ring anyone, and that they were closer to ex than I was.  He said they had already rung the Surgery as well, and had been told to call back later.  (Nobody told me to call back later!!!!!!     )  

So I got angry back, and swore at him, and said I don't give a **** who is closest, I just want what is best for ex, because he is dying.  
     Then FIL told me that I don't know the half of it, which I think is a nice bit of projection.

I rang the practice manager back, and meanwhile he had spoken to the GP, and said that she is aware of the situation, and has already been in touch with the hospital, and that she is on the case.  I told him about FIL and said I am back not on speaking terms with the ex in laws once again, and we both laughed.

So now I feel well able to leave this situation alone.  I have done everything I could, and I have no wish to get involved any more with any of it.  I will try to ring his sister later to explain, but I doubt if she will even speak to me.  Shame, really.

Daughter describes it as 'a wretched business,' which it is.  And, as some of you have said, denial all over the place.  

How many times have we heard at a funeral that there was nothing wrong with him, and it was a complete surprise, and if only we had known, perhaps we could have done something, and what a terrible thing.  Of course, this can all be true.  But sometimes it is not.

[Anonymous]

October:

You have followed this situation to the bitter end.  You have done every thing humanly possible and really it was done on behalf for your daughter.  She will know that YOU did every thing you could to get her father the help he needed.  The GP is aware, the hospital is aware, whether the FIL or sister in law likes it or not, they are aware.  Denial is a very hard thing to cut through.  Reality sucks.  However not dealing in the here and now only prolongs their emotional agony.  

Dealing with it as you are will eventually be the ultimate emotional protection for your daugther.  You are teaching her through your actions that no matter what hand you are dealt, you have to come to gripes with the reality of it.   I am truly sorry your ex N is living such a horrible life.
May God have Mercy on his Soul.  When this is over, and it will be over, then it truly will be your and your daugther's turn.  

I dealt with a now decease N husband who lived in denial.  It took a while to get things back in order.  My life is truly a different chapter and bears no resemblence to what went before.  My prayers are truly with you at this time.

Patz

[Brigid]

(((((((October & C)))))))))

Patz said everything I was going to say, so I will just say that I am so sorry for what the two of you are having to deal with.  You have demonstrated for your daughter what true compassion looks like.   Bless you.

Brigid

[miaxo]

October,

I feel terrible for you and your daughter.

Sending my prayers and love for both of you.  (((October and daughter)))

So sorry.

Mia

[Stormchild Guesting]

((((((((((October & C))))))))))

[Anonymous]

Dear October:

I'm going to tell you about my mother's death and what I learned from it.  You can take or leave whatever you choose from it.

She was failing...mentally and physically...at a rapid pace.  I could hear her struggling to breath when I spoke with her on the phone.  I hung up.

I drove to her house and insisted that she go to hospital.  I could see her skin was almost grey and her body was filling with fluid...edema.  Her heart was overloaded and failing.

At the hospital, this is what the doctor said to her, after examining her:

"You have pronounced congestive heart failure.  You've had several small heart attacks already and you will have another, major heart attack, within one week.  I'd like to keep you here and run some tests, try some medications and see if we can help".

My mother refused to stay in hospital.  Back at her home, I said:

"I can't stay here and watch you die.  If you go back to the hospital, I'll stay with you every possible minute but I can't be here, waiting, until I must try resussitating you.  Please, please, please blah blah blah..."

She refused.  She lived one week.

I was angry and angry and angry and angry and angry.  Did I mention I was angry???

I felt extreme guilt for leaving her to die without me.  I was a coward for not staying and doing what I could to help her.

I was convinced that she might have lived had she listened to the doctor.

I was devistated with despair because I loved her so much and she lived a horrible life and died far too young and I would/do miss her immensely.

I was joyful that she was finally out of her misery and her suffering was over.

But after awhile.....I starting to think.   It was her choice of where to die.  She hated hospitals (who doesn't?) and she didn't want to die in one.   Didn't she have the right to choose this?

And what did the doctor actually tell her?  Try some medications.  Do some tests.  Try to help.  You're going to have a major heart attack within a week.  He was basically telling her she was going to die and there wasn't much he could do to prevent it.

He didn't say I can save you.  He didn't say I think there's a good chance.  He didn't even say....if I were you I'd stay here, it's your best bet.  He said (in not so many words)--you're going to die and I can try to see if I can help.

Not much hope in that is there?  It was her choice to let go of an unrealistic hope.  It was her right to choose to let go of that.  Not mine.

She died after visiting just about every friend she had.  I couldn't believe the people at her funeral that came to me and said:  "Your mother visited me last week.  Just out of the blue.  We had tea and laughed and I am so glad she came by".  There were literally hundreds of people who came to the funeral home and the funeral (hot hundreds visited but just so many who loved her).

She chose to say good bye to her dearest friends.  Wasn't that her right?
Rather than have people crying by her bedside?

I'm crying as I write this.  It still hurts.  I wanted the doctor to fix her.  I wanted her to believe there was a chance.   I wanted her to be in a safe place where she would be cared for.  But those choices were not mine to make.

She didn't want to live hooked up to a bunch of machines.  She didn't want to die hooked up to a bunch of machines.  

These were her choices and as much as it hurts me to admit it....I'm glad she did what she wanted, at least in death.  

October, I know how hard it is to watch someone slowly kill themselves with alchohol.  I also know it is a choice.  

And I know how hard it is to know someone will die without medical care.
And now I know this is a choice too.

For your child.....maybe he doesn't want her to sit by his hospital bed and see him like that?  Maybe it's the one thing he wants to spare her?   Deep down inside....he knows he's dying.

(((((((October and C))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

October,

You have done what so many of us have.
You have done everything you can, and sometimes it isn't enough.
Its a world where everyone has to live with the choices they make. Unfortunately the people around them have to live with those choices also. Sometimes we have to watch them suffer or even die from their choices. And we have to suffer and maybe have a little part of us die along with them.

But you have your little blessing and yourself to take care of.
Try and rest peacefully in the knowledge that you tried your best and in your faith that God is in His heaven.

(((((October and D)))))

mudpup

[bunny]

Hi October,

What a stressful situation. It's really awful when one is faced with the bad decisions of others and can't do anything about it. You did the best you could and that's all you can do.

Take care,
bunny

[October]

 My prayers are truly with you at this time.

Patz

Thanks Patz.  I really appreciate you being there.