Author Topic: "Transitional Objects"  (Read 9928 times)

Stormchild

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"Transitional Objects"
« on: April 26, 2005, 04:15:51 PM »
Hi folks, I have a question.

When I was a kid, I didn't get a whole lot of positives from my folks. A lot of times, my Nmother would promise me some childish treasure and then give it to my sibling instead, in front of others.

I learned to hang on to anything I did get and watch over it like a hawk. So, I tend to keep my things in good shape and keep them for a long time. This in itself is not bad.

I do notice, though, that I am very prone to sentimental attachments to *stuff*. Not everything, but some pretty weird things. And some things that are not weird at all.

Example: I took a couple of dishtowels from my parents' house, and a couple of dishes, when I left home for college. I still have them. Towels and dishes both. They've held up remarkably well (of course, see above) and it would break my heart to part with them. To anyone else, they're junque. (The dishes date back to when I was around four years old.)

Example: I bought a really good 'cat condo' for the two kittens I adopted shortly after starting my first job. I only this month was able to give it up, and only because I realized that one of my current kitties was having an allergic reaction to something associated with it whenever she got on it. This is five years after the kitties it was purchased for passed away. It was 22 years old when I had it hauled.

Example: I just bought myself some new stainless flatware, and the only style that even remotely appealed to me was a style very similar to the one I grew up with. I was aware of this and decided not to fight it, because I really did like the design we had when I was a kid, much better than the designs we got when I was in high school and college.

I'm not like this with mementoes of school, or reminders of former jobs, or even keepsakes from old sweethearts. Anyone know what gives? I have a couple of pieces of jewelry that I've had since elementary school - obviously I no longer ever wear them, but it would break my heart to find them missing.

Thoughts (or similar confessions) much welcomed.

Anonymous

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2005, 04:46:18 PM »
Stormy,

Quote
I do notice, though, that I am very prone to sentimental attachments to *stuff*.

It doesn't seem like you are attached to stuff, but what they represent or maybe what you wish they could have represented.

mudpup

October

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Re: "Transitional Objects"
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2005, 05:49:57 PM »
Quote from: Stormchild
Hi folks, I have a question.

When I was a kid, I didn't get a whole lot of positives from my folks. A lot of times, my Nmother would promise me some childish treasure and then give it to my sibling instead, in front of others.

I learned to hang on to anything I did get and watch over it like a hawk. So, I tend to keep my things in good shape and keep them for a long time. This in itself is not bad.

I do notice, though, that I am very prone to sentimental attachments to *stuff*. Not everything, but some pretty weird things. And some things that are not weird at all.

Thoughts (or similar confessions) much welcomed.


Your story reminded me of when I was small and I went through a phase of being obsessive about certain items.  It was around the time I lost my grandad - 11 or 12 or so, as far as I remember.  I started taking my own pillowcases on holiday with me, to change the pillowcase for a familiar one.  And at school (Year 7) I made a toy, a stuffed owl, and I started to carry that everywhere as well.  I loved that owl.  I don't remember anyone commenting on either of these, or anything else.  No teasing or anything, but I can feel now that it was not liked.

We went on holiday and I carried the owl everywhere I went.  Then one afternoon I was with my mum and older brother and I left the owl on the counter of an icecream kiosk, and when I remembered just as we were setting off to drive home a short time later my parents refused to take me back to get it, and dad got very angry with me for being upset.  I dare say they thought I would have to detach from it one day, so that was as good a time as any.  I was almost hysterical, but when dad got angry and shouted I had to force myself not to cry out loud, and I had to force it all inside.  Horrible.  My mum promised that my aunt would get the toy back, because she was visiting there the next week.  In fact it was two weeks later, and I was told that the person at the kiosk kept the toy for a week, then threw it in the bin.  They didn't even think to tell me she had given it to the children's hospital.  Anything except in a rubbish tip.  

I can't imagine doing this to my daughter.  I am like you, if she loses anything special, we search and search until we find it, however long it takes.  Value is not counted in money, imo.  My daughter has deep attachments to many of her toys, and many other possessions.  I think this is part of growing up.  Love is love, whatever it is for.  We give her toys voices and personalities, and play with them a lot.  They have a life of their own.   :lol:

I am the opposite, though.  I don't feel as if I own anything very much.  It all feels very temporary, or as if I am looking after it for someone else.  I rationalise this and take comfort in the fact that the Native Americans have a similar attitude to the world, and that it is not a bad way to regard things; we become stewards rather than owners.  But it makes it difficult to identify what is mine.  I am not sure anything much is.  My daughter.  My house.  My car.  The first is clearly important.  The rest is just stuff.  

Maybe I learned not to get too close, even to toys.  I never attached to another one after the owl.  They don't reach where I am any more.

dogbit

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2005, 07:43:46 PM »
Hi Stormy!  I'm much the same way and have felt embarrassed by hanging on to so many things.  I was never given much as a child.  So things, clothing, jewelry, books etc. had greater importance for me than other people.  They still do!  I always have this feeling that I better get it now and keep it because I might not ever get a chance again.  Also, a script I learned early on was that anything belonging to my mother was ultra important!  I had a really hard time getting rid of her things after she died and I'm talking about very inconsequential items.  I could hear her in my mind going into shock!  Once, when I was about 6 or 7, I broke a figurine of hers and she picked up the pieces and sliced my arm to demonstrate how important her things were.  It's so nice to be here and tell someone these crazy things that happend.  My kids grew up in a home where money was not a big issue and I notice a big difference in how they regard their things.  They are much more willing to get rid of clothing, for example, that they just don't like anymore.  And they bug me about owning too much stuff.  "Mom, just get rid of it!"  And, I'm beginning to surprisingly enough.  Too much stuff can be a burden.  This is interesting.  I'm wondering what other people will say.  Take care...Bittles...

Stormchild Guesting

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2005, 08:16:40 PM »
Quote from: dogbit
Once, when I was about 6 or 7, I broke a figurine of hers and she picked up the pieces and sliced my arm to demonstrate how important her things were


Oh god, bittles, it's a good thing I was nowhere around when that happened, you'd be visiting me in San Quentin.

Her things were more imporant than you were?!!! Oh God.

((((((((((bittles))))))))))

the stuff I have, they never even noticed it was gone, after they let me take it. But I use the old plates as cutting boards, and they're the actual plates I learned to eat from at the table, when I was 3 or 4. It's like having a souvenir of innocence and hope, somehow.

bunny

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2005, 08:37:13 PM »
dogbittles,

I can't imagine slicing the arm of a little girl to demonstrate anything rational. Your mom was a psycho! I'm very, very sorry she did this to you.  I am not much of a saver of things, I have almost no sentimentality. But for some reason I still have my childhood jewelry box. Never gave it much thought but I must be attached to it.

bunny

mum

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2005, 09:12:31 PM »
((((((bittles))))))  how awful.  Everytime I hear these examples of sheer insanity on the part of parents, I cry.  
As far as holding on to stuff....it goes in cycles for me.  I probably have a few things I treasure (my kids' first shoes, or neat baby clothes they wanted me to keep) but coming from a big family, where space is limited, we aren't much on saving...
I also had a pretty loving and sane upbringing, so material things have never mattered as much to us as most folks....so we never got too mushy about possessions.  I'm hope this doesn't sound "superior" or anything, I just think it may have a bearing on why I don't  think much about it.
Plus, I have an exNidiot who wanted to fight me over every piece of furniture when we got divorced.  One piece in particular that had come from my first school........I just finally let him have it...telling him, "it's a THING!  ONLY a thing.  THAT you can have, but you can't have me any more!"
I do have a sister in law who is VERY concerned about what happens to my mom's things when she dies. (some of you may recall, my mommy is dying).  Funny thing is, none of us (the kids) really care about the stuff. We will most likely let whoever wants stuff to take it, and the girls just want a sentimental session looking through her jewelry (nothing expensive) like we did when we were little girls. Mom gave some things to people who wanted it a long time ago.  This SIL actually put names in a hat of all my moms stuff when she first got ill, and "raffled" stuff off.  WE all screwed it up by giving each other permission to take whatever it was we wanted, or we "traded" the items with each other, or we just left them in her house when one of my sister's bought my mom's house.  It's kinda funny.
 This confounds this sister in law. Doesn't get it at all. Maybe because her family actually has antiques and is totally prepared to duke it out when their parents go.   WE just don't care all that much.

Stormchild

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« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2005, 09:25:55 PM »
yeah, see, these aren't antiques i'm talking about. i'm talking about a pair of 1950's melamine plates and a couple of pieces of very cheap jewelry with colored glass bits in.

sorry, but everyone seems to think I'm clutching Spode and hanging onto the Hepplewhite, and that's not it at all.

mum

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2005, 09:31:54 PM »
No, Stromy, that's not what I thought.  I guess I got off on my own experience, not knowing how to relate too well to yours.  Sorry.  I wish I could be more helpful.

Brigid

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2005, 09:37:02 PM »
Bittles,

I'm sooooo sorry for the insanity that surrounded your childhood.  It truly breaks my heart.

((((((((((bittles))))))))))))))

I'm not a big saver of things and wanted next to nothing of the items my mother had left, but I am sentimental about my grandmother's things.  When my mother died in January, I was distraught to find that my grandmother's wedding ring had disappeared (my brother didn't bother to keep track of these things when she went into the nursing home).  She did have my great-grandmother's ring however.  I never knew her or really anything about her, but I have worn that ring since shortly after my mother died.  It is nothing fancy, but I have felt a presence attached to that ring and sense that either my grandmother or great-grandmother is my guardian angel protecting me right now.  Probably silly, but it does give me a feeling of comfort.  

I keep a few other items of hers that remind me of the good moments of my childhood.  She was the only adult in my childhood that made me feel loved.

Brigid

Stormchild Guesting

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2005, 09:41:59 PM »
no offense taken at all, mum, it's just that this is very much not about materialism, but that's what almost everyone seems to be thinking about in response to it. :?:  :?:

I gave my sib the entire residue of the estate, all the furniture, including my own stuff that was there. I took an ancient coffee mug that had belonged to my dad, and a couple more old beat up towels. This is definitely not materialism.  :wink:

on the other hand, I'm beginning to suspect that, in this regard, I'm kinda out in left field further than I thought I was. interesting. :shock:  :shock:

FlowerGirl

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2005, 11:10:38 PM »
What an interesting thread - thank you for starting it!

I actually have a very wierd relationship with "stuff."  I never had stuff. Everything was always only mine temporarily. Still is, really, to my nMom. Of course, its all very logical. makes sense to pass things along to others in the family, if you dont need them anymore.  But, it has a rather deep impact. You can't cherish anything - lest it is "needed" by someone else. You can't get rid of things that remind you of your ex-bf without shouting about it. Even now, if I told my mom I took clothes to the goodwill without sharing them with her first, I'd get a tonguelashing.

On the other hand, mom seems to have things. things I couldn't touch - like her favorite tweezers. Things, that, in retrospect, are fair. everyone needs their things - to feel ownership. Too bad I was one of those things my mom owned. Still does.

One of my most tearful memories happened when i was young. maybe 7. I had made this... candy dish thing .. in pottery class. And in my young eyes it was beautiful. I rarely (if ever again, really!) felt anything I made was beautiful - but i remember feeling this dish was. My nMom was panicking b/c my father was late home from work (possibly 30-45 minutes - pre-cell phones) She was convinced he was dead (this is normal) and was ranting about how he was dead in a ditch. My sister and i had to sit quietly and listen, offering silent support. terrified. In her screaming, she picked up the dish and smashed it.  

Needless to say, dad was home within 15 minutes. I just remember thinking how my one beautiful thing was in shreds.. as i picked pieces out of the carpet. Ma still *says* she feels guilty about it - but sort of about the wrong thing. It wasn't really the *thing* I want back... I can't explain it.

Anyways, enough long egocentric post.

--FG

Stormchild

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2005, 11:40:19 PM »
Ow, FG, how awful.

I think your mom might be borderline too. Anyone else already said that? Anyone who would do that - throw a screaming hissy fit in front of her kids and deliberately break something one of them made - that has to be borderline.

d's mom

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2005, 01:55:19 AM »
october - your story about the owl broke my heart!   :( :(  and im thinking about you lots right now (((october)))

stormchild, dont think theres anything wrong with placing sentimental value on anything you feel like..

thats what sentimental value is (velveteen rabbit like). its not based on intrinsic worth of an object.

the things ive kept during life, for the most part have no monetary value at all... my family had money.... and when i was younger i had diamond earrings, gold jewelry designed and made just for me, one of a kind art peices, i dont have a lick of it now, not one peice, and dont even know what happened to -any- of it.  its not like it was sold or stolen, i just dont have it.

however even though ive moved dozens of times, lost everything i own over and over, traveled across the country repeatedly, many times with everything i own fitting in a car, i still retain items of no monetary value whatsoever from when i was so young i cant even remember. i have no idea how ive held onto these things.

if there were a huge disaster and i had to flee my house with what i could gather in 15 minutes nothing i left with would have any monetary value whatsoever, unless by accident. it would be photographs of my child and drawings shes made and her baby box and maybe some art stuff and a few items people i care about have given me over the years... that most people would think was hopeless junk.

oh, and i would save my animals :} i have a fire drill worked out for my snakes and lizards! that sounds pretty sad.

but i dont care :wink:

Anonymous

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"Transitional Objects"
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2005, 07:26:08 AM »
Maybe these simple items provide you with feelings of comfort and safety that were not provided to you by your parents.

These inanimate objects are permitting you to have somewhat *fond* memories of specific events...such as learning to eat as a small child.

Just my two cents.  Hope it's worth something.

Mia