I think I need people to talk to who have gone through this. It's only been about the last 6 months that I've come to understand that he is NPD. I thought he was just PA for a long time. Now I realize he's an NPD who acts out passive aggressively. We did go to counseling when the marriage was breaking up and had a good counselor. She was the type who gave you little hints and expected you to figure it out for yourself, at which point she verified what you had figured out. That was helpful because it validated all the things I had been thinking but thought I was a jerk for thinking. However, I think it would have worked better for me if we had just cut to the chase and discussed what she knew.
I would like to go back to investigate the fallout of growing up with and being married to an NPD for so long but I just don't feel like I can afford it. It is also a hard thing for me to go get help as well. I've always been a person who likes to solve my problems myself and take care of myself. I had to take care of the NPD mother and husband my whole life. I'm very used to that.
I do need to build a new network. I had started on that before the health problem which made me immobile for several months. I DO need to figure out what kind of life I want. That seems to be a very difficult thing to do right now. Sometimes I wonder, who am I really?
I feel like I've suddenly found myself alone on the planet Pluto with no air, nothing. I'm looking around thinking, now how do I get out of this place?
I also think I'm going through pre-menopause. What a time for that as well. I kind of feel like at this age there isn't much hope to get it right.
I do want out of the hole. It is a miserable place to be. Reading what you all have written helps me to realize that considering what I've been through, I'm probably reacting as one would. I DO feel pounded! Pounded almost into oblivion. I have to keep fighting to get out. You all give me hope. Thank you.
