Mother is, but am I??

[bw]

I have just come across the definition of nacissist in the last few days.  I am glad to find some conversations on things that sound familiar to me.

The first thing I read should have had a picture of my mother on it!  Grandeous, manipulation, exaggeration, everything's about her...
The more I read, the more I get afraid I am this way too.  I have lived most of my life being terrified of ending up like her (I'm 38) She is very criticle, but you are dirt if you criticize her.  Most of the time she doesn't listen to anything I say and she's ALWAYS right.  She gets mad if I don't do what she suggests....so I don't tell her much.  Of course, I'm ashamed of my family and I think I am better than them in her eyes.
My sister was/is the rebel growing up.  I witnessed a lot of physical abuse toward her over the years.  I am the people pleasing perfectionist.  I am continually trying to FIX myself.  I was married 11 years to a person I also believe was a N...except he was manly manipulative.  Everything was my fault.  (When we discussed if he was unfaithful, I was too suspicious)  Funny thing is, I didn't see it until after I divorced him 8 yrs ago.  I have grown a lot.  Even though I see a lot, but it can still be very  confusing.  I don't know if I am just AFRAID I'm like her because I don't want to be?  It is natural for me to take the blame for everything even when there is no way it could be my fault....or am I really a nacissist because of her?  I'm terrified for my children!  I don't want to do that to them!!  I also don't want to teach them to let anyone ELSE do that to them!!  It's all so scary.  I still second guess myself a lot.  I exhaust myself mentally and physically.  And this is after hundreds of books, several therapists, and prozac!  I've started having physical symptoms.  I was recently diagnosed w/mitral valve prolapse and put on a beta blocker.  I hope that will help, but I am afraid that isn't the whole problem.  I am going to another therapist May 16th....just to talk stuff out.  I don't feel like I'm in a crisis, I just wonder sometimes if this will ever go away.  I get so tired of having to give myself a pep talk after realizing I'm hearing old tapes of her in my head!  I don't want to destroy my quality of life by worrying myself to death!

Anyone out there relate???  

Anyone really afraid of being like that N person in their life?  The thing I read that made me wonder about myself was an article discussing what the N is covering up for...the feelings about themselfs.  I don't step on others or hurt them...at least not that I see.  In fact, I do quite the opposite.  I make excuses for them...give them the benefit of the doubt....which usually ends up with me getting the bad end of the stick.  I haven't dated much, I'm scared to death I'll make another mistake.  Do you ever learn to trust your own judgements??  After years of being treated like I am stupid and then more years of constant fighting with myself as to what was real and what was lies....I don't trust my own mind.

Comments?

[longtire]

Hi bw, you are in the right place!  Most (all?) of the people here can relate all too well to your position.  I think we need to add this statement as a banner at the top of every page:  "If you are worried that you have NPD, then you don't have NPD."  You sound like a confused co-dependent just like like me.  Stick around here and keep posting and reading and that confusion will go away.  Welcome.

[dogbit]

bw...I guess the acid test is would your mother reach out as you are to find out what is going on with her?  Of course not!  There's nothing wrong!  But I identify hugely with your worry.  I was worried that I was like my mother or would become like her.  The fear really ran me and looking back, I think I became even more of a "pleaser" to try to kill  that fear.  And I too "married" my mother but that is coming to an end fortunately.  If it is of any help, my kids, now adults, are nowhere near either my husband or my mother.  I think the cycle is broken.  I'm always amazed that they are able to just walk away from people who are hurtful without trying to "fix" things (like me!)  And, they are also very kind, caring people.  Mitral valve prolapse ... you might want to investigate but from what I have read, this condition's symptoms can mimic the same symptoms of anxiety/panic.  Meaning some people can walk into a doctor's office and describe the symptoms and be told they are just anxious.  I'm glad you got a real diagnosis.  We certainly don't need any more crazy making.  Glad you are here.  Take care....Bittles

[Anonymous]

Hey bw and welcome!

If you have to ask if you are an N, then you are probably not.  I also had a very hypercritical parent, I am (was) a people pleaser, please keep posting at this site.  You are in the right place with the right people.  Just keep reading and it will open your eyes.  We have all been in your place at one time or another second guessing our own judgement.  Your judgement is just fine, what is not fine is continuing to try to please people who are manipulative, arrogant, haughty, liars ............if any of this rings true my dear, you are in the right place.

Much love
Keep on keeping on
Patz

[Anonymous]

Well, I saw my ex N boyfriend and told him I was a little scared about these upcoming tests. He shrugs and says "Oh, it's always about you isn't it?-everybody has tests like these, I don't know what your problem is."

What a sodding useless, utterly empty, thoroughgoing bastardly waste of space and time and organic / inorganic chemicals this man is.

Sorry for you Sunshine.

bw & Sunshine, I have mitral too, and I didn't find out until my mid-40s. Hang in there, it's one of the more benign valvulopathies and much easier to deal with than many of the others.

Good luck with your workup, Sun, I know someone who got a stent placed during their angiogram and it went very well and they feel great now. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday.