Author Topic: Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist  (Read 4936 times)

bomaguy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« on: May 03, 2005, 01:15:45 PM »
Anybody else had anything like this?

My recent ex, who I now realise is a narcissist used to do things in my home that were totally bizarre. (We never lived together. From the start, I felt there was something not quite right about her).

Sometimes she would seem to get 'phlemmy' i.e. needing to clear her throat. Anyone else would go to the bathroom and deal with it there. But she would spit into my waste bin in the lounge! Like it was perfectly normal behaviour.

Another thing she would do is leave dead skin she had scraped off herself on the side of the bath. I guess cleaning up after yourself is just too menial for a princess...

She would micro-manage other things in my space too. She insisted the toilet seat had to be down when not in use. Bad Feng Shuei according to her. The PC had to be switched off if we were watching TV because it 'disturbed' her. In my car, the fan had to be off because it 'irritated' her. No matter that the windows are steaming up and I can't see out to drive!

All this I now see is about control. She's saying: "I own you, therefore I own everything you think is yours. Therefore I can do what the hell I want!"

I would be interested to hear from anybody who has had similar experiences.

Anonymous

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2005, 02:28:47 PM »
Welcome bomaguy,

Phlegm? scraped dried skin? Jeez.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like it would have been less disgusting if she had marked her territory the old fashioned way; you know, the way dogs do it. :lol: :roll:

When I was a kid about four or so I took some of my brother's model airplanes for test flights. These were not the kind designed to fly and needless to say they came out somewhat worse for the experience. I never heard the end of this. Thirty years later he would complain that I had broken his model planes, and he was serious. Now bear in mind I was so young I don't even have a memory of doing it, let alone had any malicious intentions. Four year olds think model planes can fly for crying out loud!
Well, a couple of years ago, after we had a serious falling out and were at the beginning of our present conflict, one of my old model planes that had been sitting amoldering away in a drawer for thirty years at our parents house suddenly appeared on his kitchen table. He was gluing broken parts back onto it.  :roll: I never said anything but considered it a hilarious attempt to simultaneously mark my possesion as his and right this inane grievance he has apparently been nursing since we were in short pants.
I'm just sittin' here cracking up about it. What a life, to spend forty years waiting to deliver a devastating blow like that :roll:  for something a four year old did.

Count your lucky stars you're rid of her. You say you've only been out of the relationship a few weeks and are still somewhat obsessed with her on the other thread. You may find you are more strongly effected as time goes by. A year is time enough to be  strongly effected.

mudpup

Anonymous

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2005, 03:05:13 PM »
Hi Bomaguy

My X N exhibited controlling behavior but not to the point of shedding his skin.  Seems fitting that a N would do that...you know...the whole snake in the grass thing.  :wink:

Sounds like she might have a little OCD going on in addition to her Narcissism.  Wow, what a combo!

Be thankful that you are indeed rid of her and take one day at a time.

Glad to have you here.

Best wishes
Mia

Stormchild Guesting

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2005, 04:39:26 PM »
Umm, about the loogies in the waste bin:

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bomaguy, whenever you're missing this gal, just close your eyes... imagine the two of you together on a tropic beach... the sun is bright, the breeze is cool, there's an ocean breeze wafting the smell of hibiscus... She looks lovely in her bikini... and she leans over towards you, ever so gently, the wind toying with her hair, and goes....

"Agghhhhhhhraaaaaaggggghhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhh  HOICK HOICK HOICK PTOOIE!"

That should provide a more or less permanent cure.  :wink:

mum as guest

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2005, 06:48:42 PM »
Well, Bomaguy, as I told you on the other thread, these N's are so much alike.
My exN would do VERY similar things.  I believe he would be labeled
anal aggressive, obsessive compulsive, alcoholic and narcissistic (and probably a few more).
 He would:
 
pass gas and make a really big deal out of it (frat boy movie mentality at age 35)

shave his head in the late 80's (it was NOT the style) just to see how many people he could fool into thinking he was in the military and because I thought it was unnatractive

wear SHORTS in the dead of winter, I suppose to draw attention to himself and irritate others  

go BALLISTIC over: crumbs on the counter, little squeaky noises in the car

 take the dog's collars off or tape thier tags together because he couldn't stand the noise the tags made

grab packages of crackers out of my hands to read the ingredients and tell me "NO MORE" (mind you I am thin)....

Oh, jeez, this is the tip of the iceberg.  

YES....it's about control......they are whacked...just whacked... after you figure her out, you can spend your time on happier pursuits (although remembering these unnatractive qualities will give you a laugh and as Stormy said, get you through missing her).
I understand, though, that it's good to put this whole thing together, so you know what you were dealing with (NO , it wasn't you)
MUM

Anonymous

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2005, 07:10:11 PM »
Good to get this feedback!  

Now that my eyes are open, I realise that I should have told her the first time she cleared her throat in the bin that this was totally out of order...and that it was just contemptuous behaviour.

Thing is, when you are with an N, you get sucked into their crazy way of thinking about the world. It's like being in a cult! I was never totally taken in by her (at least I dont think I was!) but the fact that the above happened and I didnt say anything much speaks volumes about how far my thinking had been affected.

Anonymous

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2005, 07:23:38 PM »
Welcome Bomaguy:

I'm glad you're out of that relationship and that you didn't get toooo sucked in to begin with.  I count you as lucky.  No marriage to dissolve.  No children to care for.  Just whatever wounds you have to heal (not to make that sound like a small thing, just that it could have been much, much worse and I'm glad it wasn't).

Hope you will find the support you need here and keep posting.

GFN

astrofemme

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2005, 07:38:54 PM »
My XN acted out in passive aggressive ways and many of those ways were to do things that annoy on purpose but gave them the ability to turn it back on you if you call them on it.  Like, "What?  I was ONLY clearing my throat for crying out loud."  And then that makes YOU the jerk and keeps their reputation sparkly clean and innocent.  

Mine did it with knuckle cracking, the gas (like someone mentioned), endlessly repeating inane rhyming phrases like Chinese water torture.  In that case, he was ONLY expressing his happiness and how awful it was of me to get irritated by it.  What a witch I was.  And then try and tell your friends or relatives about something like this.  You sound like a real petty person.

There are many ways to annoy and look innocent.  They are the masters.

Stormchild Guesting

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2005, 10:30:48 PM »
Bomaguy, don't feel bad about getting used to odd things. Normal, to some extent, just means 'what we're accustomed to'. There's a term, re-norming, which literally means you can get accustomed to a different set of norms.

This happens in codependent relationships..... alllll the time.... whether they're at work, at school, or at home. People end up tolerating things they'd never have expected to. And then they begin to heal, and have a better sense in many ways of what is really beyond tolerability.

Good luck, and best wishes. And hey, it's nice to see yet another fellow on the board, too! Hang around and keep mud and longtire and phillip company, we're glad you're here.

October

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2005, 05:39:12 AM »
Quote from: mum as guest


go BALLISTIC over: crumbs on the counter, little squeaky noises in the car

 take the dog's collars off or tape thier tags together because he couldn't stand the noise the tags made

MUM


Some of these behaviours make me think of a friend's son, who has Asbergers Syndrome.  He is hypersensitive to noise (unless he is making it) and to touch of any kind.  His dad (also probably AS) was obsessive about cleanliness, and insisted on everything being perfectly clean.  He used to accuse his wife of being dirty, if the dishes were not washed up.  They had a carpet that no-one was allowed to walk on in shoes, and no pictures or mirrors or anything at all on the walls.  He used to dig up plants that she had put in the garden because they were 'untidy.'  Lots of weird stuff.  Lots of behaviour that fitted into the N pattern, but also seems to relate to AS too.

longtire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 564
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2005, 05:45:26 PM »
Bomaguy, I can relate to the noise thing with my wife.  She absolutely cannot stand repetitious noises.  Drumming fingers, tapping, etc.  It doesn't have to be load or anything.  Also, I listen to music that you would call "complex."  She cannot stand to listen to it, because it makes her "too nervous."  One of the first phrases my daughter learned to say is, "you make me nervous."  Hmmm..  I wonder where she heard that?!?  I'm not sure if this trait is an N or not, I always thought it might be more learning disability related, in that she's easily distracted.  I was singing a song to her once in the car with the radio playing a different song.  She moaned "Ahhhhh!" and said she couldn't take it with the two songs at once.  Her mother was similar in this way.  My wife was not allowed to make much noise and ALWAYS had to use the damper pedal when practicing the piano!

My wife also like to make a big deal about passing gas and draws attention to herself when she does.  I think she is more Borderline, but does show some N traits as well as learning disabilities.  Then again, maybe that's just the only-one-possible-option, black and white thinking of BPD.  It could also be avoidance of learning situations due to the N traits where to be taught by someone "above" you would be intolerable.

Glad to have you here and glad that you got out of that relationship before marriage or other difficult to break commitment.  Not that it wasn't difficult for you, but that it could have been worse.  Keep posting.
longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

Stormchild Guesting

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2005, 06:02:52 PM »
:shock:  :oops:  :oops:  :shock:

wow. I have one of these problems major big time. I have migraine, and when I am having an attack I find that certain frequencies of sound are physically painful, literally. when i was younger I could hear ultrasonic burglar alarms - not entirely hear, but feel them, like a pressure in the ears. very very very unpleasant.

unlike y'all's significant others, though, I just buy lots and lots of earplugs, and use them lots and lots.

and although i love complex music (like Lou Harrison and Charles Ives)
i am a total loss at parallel processing. I can't disentangle a friend's voice from a television soundtrack or a vocal track on the radio, if they're both at the same approximate volume. In my case, this is sensory, not emotional, and I've learned what it is, so I just tell people about it. I consider it a hearing disability.

I also annoy the living daylights out of friends in clubs & at concerts by actually trying to listen to the music. to the point where I have gotten up and left the table for a song or a set, or changed seats in the concert hall for part of the performance -- not aggressively, not angrily, but also without apology, because I wanted to hear the musicians rather than someone's conversation.

Stormchild Guesting

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2005, 06:08:04 PM »
forgot to mention that the conversations generally are going just dandy without me  :D anyway - but i did, once, move away from someone who just wouldn't stop talking to me (after I asked, folks. more than once.)

We were supposedly listening to a live performance of the Guarneri String Quartet, and I was horrified to discover that my escort apparently had no intention of allowing me to hear them...!

Stormchild Guesting Again

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2005, 06:27:31 PM »
And it was the only time in my entire life I'd ever seen them performing live.

Anonymous

  • Guest
Territory marking behaviour and the narcissist
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2005, 06:34:19 PM »
We understand, dear.
No need to keep explaining.

I walk off while my wife is talking to me all the time. Of course I usually come to regret it. :roll:

We have a friend who talks so long on the phone, I told her I put it down and go do some work and just stop back in occasionally to make sure she hasn't asked me a question and is waiting for an answer. :P  :wink:
She hasn't caught me yet. :wink:  :oops:

mud