Ns=bored people?

[Samantha!]

I needed to discover about Ns to MAKE me see. To me see how useless that all is. To make me see how useless it is to discuss things with my Nmom and so on. It is so very very useless and just ahuge waste of time. All that phone calls with my mother. All that explaining.

Now I sitting here, being 38 years old and thinking why oh hell did I did not see that earlier?

I was lacking the unterstanding that some people are really plain stupid, I was lacking the understanding that some people do not want to hav peace that some people just like it the way it is.


I have an interesting story, I had some girls criminals tfor interview and some of them beat up other girls. I asked them, why they did it and they answerde because we were bored. Interesting, hm?

My Nmom never worked was a housewife and had all the time of the world. No friends. I guess a huge part of here becoming so worse it that she is bored, there is no stimulation in here life so she makes her own theatre and then she became so used of it. Of course, it is not the whoel matter why she is N, but surely a part of that is because there is nothing in her life which stimuates here or which is a challenge. And she is much to lazy to go to school or to work and she is very stupid because she is lacking education.



Any thoughts?

[bunny as guest]

Samantha,

Violent people get bored very easily. Their threshold for stimulation is very high and they use antisocial behavior to feel alive. Also, they may use the word 'bored' to mean sad, lonely, empty, angry, aggressive, etc. It's a catch-all word. Your mom does sound understimulated by her own choice. The stimulation she wants is all about control. Unfortunately she's very limited in what she enjoys doing.

bunny

[mum]

Samantha: yes, I used to think my ex was bored because when things were peaceful, he couldn't stand it, and needed to make some "noise"...needed to upset people.  And Bunny, I do believe his threshold for  excitement is high, and his self awareness is low and completely avoided. All of the teasing and prodding would reach a point where he really upset others, and then he would sit back and actually start smiling or laughing. I saw him do this recently with our 17 year old son regarding college.  Luckily, a few days later, my son commented that "that was all dad" acknowledging that his dad had dumped his negative energy all over my son.  
So, although my ex is not overtly "violent", he seeks stimulation that others would find over the top....affairs, drugs, alcohol, conflict.

[Anonymous]

Hi Sam:

So glad to see you posting!!!  Hope things are going well for you.

One of my favorite sayings is: "I love it when everything is boring because that means nothing bad is happening" (not one of my more positive sayings   ).

I've never thought about that before....that part of N behaviour might be that they feel bored???   (or confused about the feeling...as Bunny pointed out).  This could very well be true sometimes.  It is interesting.

It must be frustrating talking to your mother and then feeling like you've explained and explained and then thinking it is useless.  Like talking to a brick wall???

Maybe some people really do not like things peaceful?   Maybe to them.....peaceful = boring, and
Drama =exciting/fun/interesting/stimulating etc.

GFN

[Brigid]

Samantha,
My STBXNH (another 11 days and I can drop the STB   ) is always bored and needs constant stimulation.  Relaxing, cuddling on the couch, quiet conversation and being alone together were things he could never enjoy.  He loved being in crowds, loud music, being in a group of strangers that he could  entertain.  He loved going to conventions without me so he could behave as inappropriately as he wanted and never be questioned.  He enjoyed being in a group of teenagers (emotionally he could relate) and tell totally inappropriate jokes and stories.  The teens loved it of course and stroked his pathetic ego, but it forever embarrassed me and made other parents uncomfortable.  He just looked at us as boring, stiff individuals who didn't know how to have fun.

Everything in his life revolves around keeping himself busy and stimulated.  He endlessly starts projects and drops them midstream when he gets bored and moves on to the next thing.  His work life is totally disheveled and if it weren't for his assistants, nothing would ever get done.  

I always saw this as his way of avoiding seeing himself for what he is and staying busy is the replacement for feeling.  I'm sure there is more to it, but I think that may be part of it.

I'm glad you're working through this Sam.  You're a lot younger than I and I have just realized why I am where I am.  You have a lot of life left to live with being in a better place.

(((((((Samantha))))))))

Brigid

[Samantha!!]

Thanks, Brigid and all!!!

Yes, that all was not that easy to find out. I had the problems all my life with Ns, but I just did not know what they were and given it a name to it.

It took me some time to find out, when I came back to Europe, it took me altogehter about seven years to find that all out and to be be amazed about the structure.

Internet was my rescuer, because without internet, I would have never found out.

Love to all,

Sam

[wildrain]

I agree with this
My N b/f is like what you have all discribed.
He starts projects and never finishes them He buys so much stuff and spends so much money and gets tired of it all within a few days,only to look for more stuff to fill the leaky bucket with.. He likes to have endless talks on the phone (and talks mostly about himself) and he never likes to cuddle or just quietly talk on the couch (unelss the TV is on or a movie is playing ) We can never just be "alone: He thinks everyone is "boring' and the truth is i beleive those who are so eaily bored are "boring"  When things are going well he will start a fight. He will tease until someone is annoyed and he will sit back and laugh and find it amusing. (And say he cant understand why anyone would get so upset)
I do beleive its because quiet means being alone with your own thoughts. With your own being. I do not think N's can face being alone. The face that reflects back is too frightening for them to see.

[Anonymous]

Hello All:

I find this an interesting thread.  I have noticed when I try to talk to my N brothers, their attention span is that of a gnat.  It as if they have some neurological disorder.  I would say they might have ADD but I don't think that is the case.  You can be talking about something and they will cut you off in mid stream (which is a way of stating whatever I AM talking about is not important).  Also I have noticed when you are talking with them they cannot maintain eye contact for very long.  It is like there is another complete thought process going on while you are trying to speak to them.  They also are in a constant state of wanting to be entertained, to be entertaining, to be the center of attention in a group.  One brother goes so far as to get up in resturants and sing the "Happy Birthday" song to others while they are dining!  Talk about embarrassing.  As a consequence I really do not go anywhere at any time with them.

The other brother is constantly trying to figure out what he is going to buy next.  He is never satisfied with what he has.  Forget the "simple" pleasure of life.  So Samantha I relate to what you said about your mum being "bored".  Also GFN, boring sometimes is good.  At least there is no chaos.  Ns led very chaotic lives.  

Patz

[wildrain]

The other brother is constantly trying to figure out what he is going to buy next. He is never satisfied with what he has. Forget the "simple" pleasure of life. So Samantha I relate to what you said about your mum being "bored". Also GFN, boring sometimes is good. At least there is no chaos. Ns led very chaotic lives.


I have to add that this too is what my b/f does. He will spend hours looking at E Bay for stuff to buy. (He says its "Buisness related") while there are things to be done in the house or bills to be paid etc. (He could not figure out how my own apt was so clean and how i still had time to do things i enjoy doing) While his own place is a nightmare.  My N brother is always looking to buy buy buy and has been in bankruptsy three times. (B/f also has been bankruped)
 I think they are always trying to fill the leaky bucket (themselves) I know my b/f would spend hours on chat looking for women (that he cared nothing about)   I beleive that N's are bored because they have little inside. Hungry ghosts that cannot be filled. His attention span (with women or anything else) is zero. He acts too like he has ADD or even manic moods,yet he does not have either. I beleive that N"s really have a brain disorder and that they never develope emotionaly. It is like having a two year old around forever.(with no hope of them ever growing up)
Drama and chaos is what N's look for. They must always seek something outside themselves because their is nothing to seek within themselves.
I beleive somewhere inside they know there is something wrong with them,if they did not feel this way,why would they always feel they have to "right" and you and everyone else is wrong?

[Brigid]

Hi All,

I can relate to what all of you are saying.  My N H could never carry on a conversation without constantly interrupting and relating the topic back to him.  He rarely listened to anything I told him and forever was telling me "You never told me that."  BS

He was diagnosed with ADD and has taken meds for years because of it.  Apparently, those meds aren't working as he still lives a life of complete confusion and dishevelment, but it always gave him an excuse for not following through on things or his lack of concentration.

Wildrain, you are absolutely correct about the "bucket".  My T has explained it that same way.  They have a leaky bucket inside that constantly needs to be refilled, but they need to find new ways to fill it.  They certainly will not look for the help necessary to repair the leak.  

I also believe that the quiet is too scary for them.  As long as they can keep the chaos around them going, they will never have to face themselves.

Hugs,

Brigid

[bomaguy]

I can relate very much to what has been said in this thread.

My ex N fills her life up with activity. Her diary is always full, her mobile phone is forever ringing. She is forever off to this workshop or that seminar. She has endless schemes and plans most of which never come to anything. She is not good with detail.

I think this manic show of activity is partly about showing how interesting and 'connected' she is with the world and partly about not wanting any time for reflection and introspection.