Caring professions

[Dix]

I have a text-book N boss.  I have been trapped working for her for 3 years now as I am on an employment visa and my only option would be to return to my home country, leaving behind my life partner.  The first 6 months were great – the honeymoon period – and I really thought I had found my ideal job.  How quickly that changed.  I have spent the past 2 years trying to figure out what was going wrong – is it me or is it her that’s crazy?  A few weeks ago I found out about NPD and the light bulb went on!  

To start with I thought that things would be easier now that I had the key to the puzzle, but somehow it makes it worse.  I feel so hypocritical, to the point of nausea, if I give her the N supply she demands, and life is unbearable if I don’t. To make it worse, I am now completely aware of the reasons for the mess she is making of our jobs, the time and money she is wasting, and why we have not advanced any in over 3 years.

A couple of weeks ago I lost control on the way home from work.  I cried for hours and decided I couldn’t go back there.  I went to see my family doc, who changed my antidepressants and gave me note saying I did not have to return to work for 2 weeks (I have months worth of vacation and sick leave built up, as my boss hates me taking off and punishes me for it).  He told me I would have to see a specialist if I needed more time.

My boss called the evening of my first day off, but was told I was sleeping.  She tried to call again on Saturday, but we didn’t answer the phone.  Yesterday she emailed me, saying “If you are feeling well later this week, could you help with *****?  Excrement has hit the fan!”

None of this is surprising to me, but I am feeling hurt and abandoned by the “caring” professions, and extremely anxious about the idea of returning to work on Monday.  To get more time to heal and decide how I am going to deal with this situation, I went to see a counselor at the Employee Assistance Program.  She told me there was nothing she could do, but if my boss is harassing me I should file a grievance with the Employee Relations Department. Oh, yeah – that’ll help my situation!  She couldn’t even recommend a therapist for me to see!

After waiting over 24 hours for my family doctor to get back to me with a recommendation, I looked up a therapist in the phone book (part of a fairly large and well established practice).  I went to see him yesterday.  It is always so hard to go over the stuff again to someone new – the N behaviors sound so petty taken in isolation – and how do you convey the cumulative effect of 3 years worth?  He told me that I had depression (duh!) but that he had not known me long enough to write a letter for more time off.  As I left he made the usual trite suggestions for living with depression – get up out of bed, keep active, get a hobby, go for a walk etc – “depression likes a stationary target”.  Talk about putting a band-aid on an amputated limb!

So now I’m left feeling that it’s not fair!  I really don’t know what I have to do to convince these people that I’m so close to the edge, and I need help NOW – not when they decide to get around to it.  I guess, even in the middle of the worst emotional storm of my life, I still appear too calm and rational to be taken seriously.  The anxiety over not knowing whether I have to go back and face my boss on Monday is driving me nuts.  

I just can’t go on much more like this – the idea of the Psych ward is more comforting than scary at the moment.  I am losing the will to survive here – what’s the point of carrying on, fighting for a life, a career, some fulfillment, when I can’t even get a little help when I need it the most.  Maybe if I was committed, everything else would be sorted out for me.  Why are the strong expected to be strong all the time – if I broke my leg they’d help, wouldn’t they?  Well, I think my mind is breaking.  I don’t think anyone understands the extra layers of shame and embarrassment that I’m feeling – that I’m not able to be “strong enough” to take this abuse.  Maybe I DO need to just suck it up and get on with it.  I just don’t know anymore.

[Anonymous]

Hi there Dix:

I'm no expert on dealing with these situations but I just want to offer you a few of my thoughts.

What you are going through is so very difficult and frustrating.  I'm so sorry that your boss is behaving so Nish.  I've worked with people like this before and I know my first instinct is throttle them (which is totally against my every day belief system and shows the extent to which they are capable of making me...crazy! ).

I deal with those thoughts by consciously reminding myself that I don't believe in throttling people and that throttling is wrong and that I am not a throttler.

In your case...it seems you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope.  The doc/T haven't helped enough by extending your leave and so now you are faced with going back to work with this person....which I sense you are very much not wanting to do.

I think there are a couple of things you can do:

1.  Call in and explain that you need some of your holiday time immediately, due to personal circumstances (not sure if this would cause you to be fired....or if you might be allowed to do this.  Is there someone above your boss that you could make this request to??  Without explaining...other than saying it's an urgent personal matter?

2.  Quit the job.

3.  Decide to make some changes to your thinking....to help yourself cope and feel not so overwhelmed.

1 and 2 would end or temporarily deflect your problem.  So then there's number 3.

You could decide to play a game with this N.  If you were to think of your interactions as more of a game, and picture yourself winning, no matter what it takes.....you might feel better about the whole thing.

It sounds like you feel as if you are showing weakness or being weak...because you are having a tough time dealing with this bimbo.  If you were to decide...that this person has no power over you, and that you are not going to allow this dope to gain any power over you, you might feel stronger.

If you were to brush off, as much as possible, the things this doughhead says and does, and consider his/her words and actions as that of a spoiled brat....without a head.....and picture the person in some ridiculous form....having a big happy face painted on his/her forehead....or wearing the underwear of the opposite sex....or something equally silly.....you might not take everything this person says/does so seriously......and thereby...reduce the power he/she has over your emotions.

I know this is not easy to do, especially after a few years of being batted around by this dimswitch, but it is possible to go in there.....with a totally new attitude....smile and be pleasant......ignor as much idiocy as humanly possible.....respond as if to a wee child, who knows very little, .....smile some more.....walk away and do your job.  

The idocity of this moron.....to phone you at home when you are ill and ask you to deal with a work-related problem......shows how totally and utterly un-empathetic, self-centred, power-hungry etc etc etc this person is.

The choice you have is to say......so what.....he/she's a moron.....I'm not going to let him/her p in my cornflakes.....as a matter of fact....I'm going to eat my cornflakes before I come to work and bring strawberries for his/her cornflakes.  It will totally freak him/her out!!  The fact that he/she is no longer able to p you off.

The more I think about it.....he/she is probably jealous of you!!  Of your capabilities/assets/qualities/relationships/life etc.  Smile and keep on smiling, is my best advice, if you must return to work.  Give no indication of reaction to silliness/nonsense.   Just smile and do your work.  Agree with anything slightly reasonable.  Notice whatever good things you can and point them out.  Refuse to let this person belittle you....just smile and walk away...of if that is not possible....respond kindly/politely/genuinely unaffected by trivial attack.

Best of luck to you Dix.  I wish I could think of some better choice.  Maybe others will?

GFN

[bunny]

Hi Dix,

I see a few issues here: one, you are trapped because of your visa and feel helpless about your fate; two, your boss is an idiot; three, you'd like a doctor or shrink to qualify you for disability or something along those lines. Point 3, the doctor giving you a disability deal, is probably not going to happen. I think they are very reluctant to do this. It's not about how lousy the caring professions are, but about disability insurance, lawsuits, etc. Just the harsh reality (sorry!). Okay, point one, you are trapped there because of your visa. That sucks but it's a choice you make because of your partner. We all make these choices and we all have to pay a price. My job sucks in many ways but I'm here because of my husband. We need to pay the bills. I have to work, period. And I'm unqualified to work anywhere else! So I'm trapped, too. And I have an N boss as well. Everyone agrees that he is a raging N. Many have asked me how I can stand working for him. Well, the way I do it is to find ways to manage him. If I know more about your boss, I might have some hints. Most of these people are manageable, but not all.

bunny

[Dix]

GFN – thanks for your considered reply.  I think your first suggestion of calling someone else at work and trying to take some of my vacation leave may help.

I have tried option 3 – trying to change my thinking since I figured out the NPD, but there are ethical considerations here for me too.  I am being put in situations that run counter to all of my moral beliefs, and could even be classed as fraudulent.  I am trying to work out whether I should “blow the whistle” and bring the whole house of cards down – I have some evidence.  But I have to consider the ramifications of that too.

Bunny – one thing I want to get clear is that I am not looking for any kind of long-term disability here – all I want is to take another few weeks of my sick leave (that I have already accumulated) to try to heal a little before I make any life changing decisions.  

I'm not keen on my options as you see them – stay in my job and go slowly crazy, or leave it, and my soul-mate, and return to a country where I no longer have any connections and go crazy immediately.

I can’t tell you much more about my N boss, apart from the fact that people are leaving like rats on a sinking ship, and one of the staff has already been institutionalized.  This is a very sick environment, with ethical implications as I said before.  

I just need time to process all this and not react hastily.

[Anonymous]

Hi again Dix:

In that case.....might you be able to get a little more support...like speaking annonimously to a distress line/centre, or possibly...a lawyer?

It sounds like serious stuff here.  I still think you can protect yourself emotionally by using your noggin, if you must return to work, by being the coolest cumcumber in the field....however.....if things are illegal.....

1.  What would you tell me to do, if I were posting to you?
2.  By that I mean......what ethics/morals do you think you might speak about?  Would you tell me to protect myself?

(((((((Dix))))))

Sounds like a not nice game no matter which way one looks at it.  People leaving.  One being institutionalized.  Not nice at all.        

On the other hand......you're here.  This makes me wonder if you really need some support in going forward, maybe after a few more weeks of rest..if you can get it off?

Do you really want this wheezle exposed?  Are there any other people who might speak up also?  Is this just one person...causing all of this chaos, or are there superiors aware of what's going on?  Are you sure of your facts (not me doubting you.....just pointing out how clear you have to be, in order to bring the sirens in.....real clear, concise, exact, with proof, proof, more of it the better, ofcourse).

Anyway.....I hope you get a bit more time off.  Isn't there any way you can get another job?  I'm sorry....I don't know anything about visas.  Can you go to the offices where they are approved and ask for help?  I'm really grasping at straws because I am totally ignorant in this department.

Hope things go much better for you and work out Dix.

GFN

[d'smom]

have you read 'bullyonline.org'?? ....

lots of good information there about workplace bullying that may help you feel less crazy and give some options.

its a good site.
d's mom

[daylily]

Hi Dix,

If you work for a larger entity that the N-boss is part of, there are probably policies pertaining to the use of accumulated leave.  That is, it could be that the burden is on your boss to prove that you can't use it, not on you to prove that you need to use it.

If there is a human resources office where you work, I would suggest speaking to them confidentially, and confine the discussion to the use of your leave only.  HR people are not as uniformly understanding and confidential as you might think.  (I've been burned.)  You may also have rights under the Family Medical Leave Act.  Again, I don't know anything about where you work (if it's a small business, it might be exempt).  Check with your HR people.

Finally, do you know for sure what would happen if you quit the job?  Are you legally available to seek another one?  Seeing a lawyer might give you a sense of what your possibilities are, or aren't, in that area.  (You might also want to ask what would happen if you got fired.  See below.)

I know that a truly horrific boss can consume your life, and my only advice is to try not to let it.  You need to give this person eight hours a day, not your soul.  I'm against "whistle-blowing" (unless the offense is truly criminal) because I fear it encourages abused employees to adopt a crusade as a coping strategy.  In short, I say don't give this person one minute more of your time, energy, and ability than is your legal obligation.  Your boss won't like it and might attempt to discipline you for it.  But isn't the first rule of dealing with N's to draw boundaries?  If you work someplace large enough to have a grievance process, you probably can't be fired at will.  So put your energy into fencing off your true self from this person's assaults.  Don't do anything overtly insurrectionist, but make it clear that you have stopped playing by N-rules.

And if you possibly can, start sending out your resume tomorrow, and if you take more time off, spend at least part of it plotting out a job search.  If your legal situation enables you to look for another job, that's a great place to put your energy before this monster consumes you entirely.

Take care of yourself,
daylily