Baby due in a week; how to cope?

[Cadbury]

Hi everyone,

First wanted to apologise about not replying to many posts recently. I feel very selfish now asking for advice myself. I have got a lot going on and I just don't get a spare minute.

My baby is due in a week. I have finally managed to distance myself from my ex-N a great deal. I have moved house, and while he knows where I live he has never been here. I haven't seen him in person for over a month. However, the baby is due soon and so we have had to have some contact regarding this. I would feel happier if he wasn't any part of it at all. I am not worried about coping with the baby as I love babies and have two daughters already. I do worry about his influence on this baby. Today he sent me an email that says he will be guided by me. (This is part of his new "caring" attitude - trying to prove I have him all wrong). He says in the email that when I am ready I can let him see the baby. If I would rather he was no part of our lives he will respect that too (he says).

Now, I would love it if I thought for a moment that he means what he says, but I don't. He is too manipulative to be willing to let us go that easily. I think he would find some way to turn it all round to his advantage. I can't think what, but my instincts are screaming out here!

I have a couple of things to my advantage. He has a conviction for child abduction. He abducted his own child a few years ago. Now, in his defence the mother was just as nutty as him, if not more so. He also has won his child back and now has custody. However, this is more because social services had no other choice than him being the best choice. (my opinion anyway). This is to my advantage in that if I wanted to I could insist on supervised visits only with no overnight stays. I am tempted to do this, but worry about how he would react.

Sorry if this is so garbled, but I am so frightened about having to see him again that my head is a whirl. I have fought so hard to get him out of my life and now I HAVE to see him again. Does anyone have any advice at all? Baby is due on Friday (the thirteenth - an omen?!!) so could come at any minute. For some reason, because I was late with my daughters, I am assuming I'll be late again, but obviously that needn't be the case!

Thank you for any replies

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hi Cadbury

Why do you have to see him? Are there paternal rights laws in the UK that force you into this situation?

[Cadbury]

There is a big thing called "Fathers for Justice" that is all about Father's rights to see their children. In the majority of cases I would agree, but I just worry about how he may affect the baby. It does mean that if he took me to court for visitation he would definitely get some visitation rights. I am looking into centres where I can turn up with the baby and a social worker then passes he/she over to the father. However, I then worry that this may be bad for the baby when it comes to seeing "grown up" relationships. I may be overly hormonal and worrying too much, but it keeps me awake at night!

[October]

My advice would be to delay making any decision on this.  Delay it now because the baby is due.  Then delay it because you are so busy with looking after the new arrival.  Then delay it because the baby is teething.  Anything you like, to give you time to consider what is right for you and your children.

And carry on listening to your intuitions on this one.  I am sure they can be trusted!!

This is not a bad, or a selfish, way to behave.  It is sensible and right.  Who would want to be making such decisions so soon before your new baby arrives?

Procrastinate forever, I would say.  

All the best for the coming days.  How wonderful!!!!!!!    

[Stormchild Guesting]

Ahh, but you and he did not have a grown-up relationship, because he is incapable of having one; anything that he models for your child that pretends to be a grown-up relationship with you will be a chimera and a lie.

Given his history of child abduction you may be wise to talk to a legal person about having his visits totally supervised, if not limited to a room in a public building... and I'd definitely consider having a social worker interface so that you don't have to interact with him during the visits. We do that over here, in some states, in some cases. This would model appropriate boundary setting, which children rarely if ever see...

But I have no direct experience here, and there are many wiser heads than mine. Hopefully they'll turn up here soon. In the meantime, despite all the irony, if it is Mothering Sunday there, best wishes to you (it's Mother's Day here)! In fact, best wishes to you regardless.

[Cadbury]

Thank for the replies so far. It really helps to get an outside perspective. It stops me from getting so wrapped up in my own worries that I forget that he is the problem, not me. I will try and sleep on it all tonight - unless baby decides to come! Thank you, I have been feeling so desperate.

[October]

I think it may be part of what is called the 'nesting' instinct.  You are trying to sort things out, and make everything right for your new baby.  I remember this part of late pregnancy, and going crazy with spring cleaning everything I could find!!!  I couldn't stop.  

Maybe go through catalogues and 'window shop' for new baby clothes, or buy some nice new toiletries for you all instead.  Or read baby name books, just for fun.  It might help to shift the focus onto the baby and you instead.  

Do you have presents to give to your daughters from the new baby?  I only have one child, but I have heard of that being done, and thought it was sweet.
 

[mum]

Cadbury: I sure remember the last weeks of my pregnancies...very emotional, never mind having a situation like yours to be concerned about.  I know that even here in the states, newborn infants are rarely separated for lengthy or overnight visits to the non custodial father...(esp. important if you are breast feeding).
Trust your instincts on this, and don't worry about him.  Take care of your little family and let this interloper do his own work to see his child.
 I would not make it simple for him, or fall for his "niceties" right now.
If he has abducted a child before, even though circumstances were different, he may do so again, so yes, get  legal advice.  
If he wants his "rights" let him do the work...don't make it easy for him.
Your focus is you and your sweethearts, let him worry about himself...not your problem.
I hope the birth is easy!!
Oh, and I did give a gift to my older one when my second was born...only not from the "baby" (he would have raised an eyebrow to that ruse)...just a gift for the new big brother...special day for him too!
But I'm sure you are an old pro already!  Best of everything!!!!

[write]

your ex isn't the priority now.

You won't need to worry about overnight visits or anything like that for some time.

If he says he's caring now call him on it- tell him you need some space. Use it to push him into therapy if you can ( I know it's not so good in the UK as here in the US ) That's what I did and it turned our situation around.

But for right now, you and your girls and your new baby are all you need to be thinking about.

And for goodness sake don't feel selfish for posting- post as much as you need to; watching and helping each other cope is so encouraging for us all.

[guest1]

Herne Bay Citizens Advice Bureau
185/187 High Street
HERNE BAY
Kent
CT6 5AF
 
Telephone:
 08701 264062 - Adviceline
01227 740647 - for appointments
 
Fax:
 01227 740647
 
Map:
 Link to map
 
 Get down to see them today!!! They will help you with all the legal issues surrounding custody / visitation.  Good luck with the baby.

[Cadbury]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate this.

Today he has sent me offline messages on yahoo saying that he doesn't understand my anger towards him and that the time he spent with me was the best he ever had. I am quite carefully NOT responding. Even though all the injustices are making me scream.

I have got my daughters little presents from the baby (they are only small so they shouldn't be too suspicious!). I am trying hard to concentrate on the joy of having a new baby and ignoring all his attempts to push his way in.

Thank you guest1 for the address, I will contact them today.

The thing that makes me feel so stupid over it all is that I am still thinking about his needs and wants and trying to work out ways to keep him happy, when I don't have to anymore. I have never been in such a destructive relationship and sometimes dealing with the aftermath and all the crap he has left me with is so hard, I don't know where to turn.

I have taken all your advice on board and will be thinking only of myself and my beautiful children. I think it is good advice to make him work for it all. Thanks again.

[Cadbury]

At the moment he is sending me messages on yahoo. I am signed in as invisible so he has been having a half hour conversation with himself! I laugh, but it is actually quite, if not very, depressing. He goes round and round in circles with his discussions and arguments. I would love someone to read what he has written and give me their honest opinion on whether or not they think he has a problem. He has now come up with the reason for his past behaviour as being "emotional strain". He says he was falling apart emotionally and I asked too much of him.

The thing is all this emotional strain is from HIM abducting HIS OWN child. He says the way he has been treated since he has been back has caused him to be the way he is. He has no concept of what he did being wrong (at least legally). He really thinks that he should have been left alone when he (willingly) came back into the country. No prison, nothing. I have tried (gently) to suggest that whether he was morally right or not he stilll broke the law and that was never going to go unpunished. It's like none of it was his fault, but someone else's. Is this all part of his NPD?

I think he has an excuse for everything and no matter what anyone says he will have some excuse for why he did it. Never his fault. That's what he is doing now - coming up for an hour talking to himself on messenger about all his "reasons" for treating me like s*&t!

I think I'll go and have a good cry then eat a ton of choclate!

[Stormchild Guesting]

Cadbury, when you do talk to the legal folks in Herne Bay, you might do well to take a bunch of his recent email messages along to show them. There's nothing as convincing as letting someone else see what these creatures do and say to us when they think nobody is looking. They convict themselves faster and more permanently than any testimony from us ever could.

Also, does your Yahoo! account route to your local mailbox - in other words, can you tell your computer to label all his communications as 'Junk' and stick them in a separate drawer? You don't want to label them as 'spam' because some spam blockers will simply refuse them, ans as long as you need them for evidence, etc., you will want to receive them. But you want them someplace where YOU are the one who decides when to look at them or not.

Good luck, mom-to-be-again, and congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Dear Cadbury:

So sorry to hear that this goof is messing up what should be a very joyful time....the birth of your child.  Wish I could come over there and deal with him for you.  I'd get him going good!! (heehee).

"So tell me again, how you are a victim and haven't done anything wrong in your entire life?  Oh I see.....and you really think you are innocent?
I didn't quite get what you said Cadbury did to you?  Can you repeat it all again?  Tell me what you didn't do again?  That's interesting how you see the responsibility as..not yours.  Why is that again?...............etc..."

Maybe he would enjoy hearing his own mouth saying the same junk over and over again!   Keep him busy and out of your hair. Keep him occupied.  Then........ ........tell him he's full of ........stuff, and walk away.  Double P him off, so he would follow me and focus his anger on me.   I could keep him busy for some time and take the pressure off of you.   Be his listener and then....his target.  I could then change my mind and say:  "Wait a minute......you could be right!  Tell me again!!"
    Cat and mouse. OOOOOOOOooooo I'd love to!!!

Anyhow......please do try to focus on you and baby right now.  As October said, you can procrastinate for awhile and just enjoy your new addition to your family....when he/she arrives.  That's really what matters right now, not him.  He can go pee up a tree in a bad wind!!!  Probably do him good!!

I will keep you in my prayers.  Sending you warm thoughts and lot's of hugs. ((((((((Cadbury)))))))

GFN

[gardener]

Cadbury,
 I hope you find a little more peace in the coming weeks.
Maybe you could check out this site below. It's for people coming out of/ coping with abusive relationships and seems packed with info and help.
http://drirene.com/

 The support board there is helpful to those who are still confused about whether they really have been through what they think they have.

Best wishes for you and your little family.