hey wildrain: :}
i just want to mention something ive learned studying mind control. before i knew anything about narcissism i did a lot of resesarch on cults and mind control, becuase i felt i had been 'brainwashed' by people in my life. (it was true).
i learned a lot about the way cults gain control over and maintain control over other peoples thoughts, emotions, and behavior, even against a persons will and all logical thought.
there are real techniques for doing this that are very similar to abusive relationships - imtermittent reinforcement, wearing down the persons self image, maintaining control over the persons outside relationships and environment, and others. it is very very similar to a cult. and one thing that cult people refer to continuously is the
drug-like nature of exposure to their cult. the feeling of being with their controllers is described as =intoxicating= and extremely addictive.
many cult survivors mention this intoxication as one of the things that made it most difficult for them to break away from the cult, and one of the aspects that outside people have the most difficult time understanding when they try to describe it.
i personally feel that the intense insecurity that can be felt when thinking about leaving some of these abusive relationships is very similar to the anxieties people feel when they are trying to break away from a cult, becuase ones behvior and thoughts have been molded and affected in very similar ways.
even if it isnt verbally said, its often implied strongly that you will be nothing without that person, that you wil never find someone better, that noone else will want you, (reinforced with feelings left over from your growing up years) and these are all techniques to undermine your self confidence and create dependency so you will remain in the unhealthy relationship. cult recruiters are trained to do this, but abusers and n's seem to just have an instinct.
most people dont recognise this as brainwashing and behavior/mind control, but thats exactly and precisely what it is.
so this is just a long way of saying that just becuase you feel strongly drawn to something doesnt mean its something that is actually something good for you..... it can be addictive and intoxicating for some very negative reasons and if you actually feel better without him - i would trust that feeling........ and not the 'intoxication' you get in his presence, which is more a function of his manipulating you, to my mind.
this was a thought i had when you mentioned the 'addictive' thing. dont know if it will be helpful. sorry this is happening for you. hope you can get away and find something that feels better for you. ive been in some negative but very addicting relatoinships and i know it took some efffort to unstick.
take care
d's mom
