S.O.S.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for helping me to look at him a little differently.

You're quite welcome, Chutz.  Now.....keep looking and expect no immediate change.  After all, no work has been done to change a thing, right?

We really do push each other's buttons - very painful match. Hopefully, we can help each other heal...

So....as Bunny suggests....get your butts to therapy (not exactly her words though eh? ).

My prayers for you and your marriage, (((((((((Chutz and Hubby)))))))).

GFN

[chutzbagirl]

Hi everybody,

I hope you don't refrain from posting because you know my H is reading.  I'm hoping/praying the truth will set him free.  Respect is obviously needed, but at this point I don't want to loose this connection and support.

Thanks,

chutz

[bunny as guest]

The truth will not set him free. This is about needing someone to mediate. I hope your therapist can help you as a couple, and individually, and not bail out like he did last time.

{{{ Chutzbagirl & her husband }}}

bunny

[chutz]

Hi Bunny,

I've placed a call.  We'll see what happens.  As I said to a friend in a pm, this is an E ticket ride.

(((((Bunny)))))

chutz

[chutz]

Does anyone have the inside story to the amazing ability to compartmentalize?  I can't shake this stress.  I wish I could just put our problems on the back burner for the rest of the day, but my body won't let me.  

Being a sensitive feeler has it's real drawbacks during times like this.  

chutz

p.s.  It seems like you are all backing off now that I let you know my H is reading this thread.  I truly hope you won't stop posting.

[Anonymous]

chutz,

I'm not sure people are backing off. They might be busy, usually there isn't much traffic here during the day. Compartmentalizing is a learned skill. If you can get focused on some task or activity, and tell yourself, "It will be okay, we will get help," it may help you.

{{{ chutzbagirl}}}

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Chutz:

I'm not backing off but I was busy today.  Hope you are feeling better.  My thought is....if compartmentalizing is a learned skill, then it can be unlearned.  Keep telling yourself those positive suggestions Bunny wrote and more.   It will take a little time, but it will probably work, especially if you do as Bunny says and keep busy.

(Sorry to just repeat what you said Bunny.  I agree and can't think of anything else/better to suggest...just to reinforce the ideas. )

Hope you are feeling better now, Chutz and doing your best to take it easy.  The old.....Rome wasn't built in a day.....thingy applies.  

My favorite 12-step slogan:  Keep it simple (which....the way I blab along sometimes...does not really reflect that I have learned a whole lot...still...I do admire that one and try to aim for it...sometimes).

(((((((Chutz)))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

bunny,

I have a question for you.

You say you suffer/suffered from the same problem as Chutz's hubby.

Why is it that the truth cannot set someone like this free.
Can he not see the truth of how she feels at all?
Does he see it but it scares him so much he can't deal with it any other way?
Or does he see some distorted version of the truth through the prism of whatever his upbringing was?
Obviously I'm asking for some conjecture here, but applying your experience, could you explain a little maybe?

mudpup

[bunny as guest]

Why is it that the truth cannot set someone like this free.

Because there's her truth and his truth. Telling a spouse what we think is "the truth" only makes things worse. First, because no one has a monopoly on the truth. Second, it's likely to escalate the situation when it should be de-escalated. When we see this level of anger and disappointment, neither is going to be especially empathic toward the other's feelings. A therapist needs to get involved and start mediating. That's my experience.

bunny

[serena]

Why is it that the truth cannot set someone like this free.

Because there's her truth and his truth. Telling a spouse what we think is "the truth" only makes things worse. First, because no one has a monopoly on the truth. Second, it's likely to escalate the situation when it should be de-escalated. When we see this level of anger and disappointment, neither is going to be especially empathic toward the other's feelings. A therapist needs to get involved and start mediating. That's my experience.

bunny

I have a FANTASTIC relationship with my husband but I would never admit to him that I visit this site.  He was my loving healer from the cesspit I grew up in.

I keep lots of my internet activity 'secret' because I like to read and post on this site.

I never, ever do anything dubious on the net, and never will, but I find this place a sanctuary and special for me.......

[chutz]

Hi,

Yup, this place was a sanctuary for me as well.  But, the internet does have the 'history' available.  He knew I was visiting this site.  I think he has been feeling uneasy at some level about the lack of connection.  I'm just not fixing it anymore.  

Excuse me Bunny...But I do have the corner on truth.    At least, that's what my ego would like to believe.  I know I don't have the corner, but I've done a lot of work.  

This situation is confusing to me as well.  My T has not called back.  I know he's teaching a class tonight, maybe I'll hear from him tomorrow.  Maybe it's time to start getting mad at him.  I haven't really ever been that mad at him yet.  That's supposed to be a point of growth in therapy, right?  

I'm happy to not be as anxious right now.  For some reason the anxiety just dissappated.  (sp?)  Funny how all the emotions work.  

Take care,

chutz

[Anonymous]

Dear Chutz:

I just want to thank you because you helped me.  I have been agonizing over stuff I have no control over and cannot do anything to change.   Your words gave me the courage to turn it all over to God and to just let His will be done.  I don't know why it has taken me so long but I thank you sincerely for reminding me that it is the best thing....the only thing to do.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.  I hope your T calls soon and will help you both move to a better place within yourselves and your marriage.  I know it's not up to God to do the work to get there but I understand what you mean by letting go and letting Him do what He sees fit....how you will do your part and let Him do His.

((((((((Chutz))))))))

GFN

[longtire]

chutzbagirl & hubby,

I have not been avoiding, I just got busy at work.  I still do not have internet at home yet.  <sound of tiny violins playing pity music...>  I have managed to hold onto (couldn't get rid of?) my viewpoints in relationship with my wife.  I have no problems expressing them in front of the husband of someone I have never actually met.  Seriously though, I am at the point that I would say so if I felt uncomfortable, not just walk away and act it out.

Why is it that the truth cannot set someone like this free.

Because there's her truth and his truth. Telling a spouse what we think is "the truth" only makes things worse. First, because no one has a monopoly on the truth. Second, it's likely to escalate the situation when it should be de-escalated. When we see this level of anger and disappointment, neither is going to be especially empathic toward the other's feelings. A therapist needs to get involved and start mediating. That's my experience.

Bunny, I hear what you are saying.  Still, this doesn't seem to take into account situations where one or both persons are in denial or otherwise fabricating their experiences.  Yeah, I know, who gets to decide who's doing that or not?  Certainly therapists and counselors, with training and experience.  I think that most of the rest of us do as well, just without the training.  Sometimes we do wait around long enough to gain some experience, though. I know that everyone does this dissociation to some extent.  I see a big difference between people who cling to dissociation as a life strategy versus people who are more-self aware and do this "incidentally."  No less out of touch with reality, just a lot less frequent.

[chutzbagirl]

Hi everybody,

Aren't you glad the board is back up?  I realized how much I'd miss our communicaiton if we could never touch bases again.  I've become quite fond of you.  

Well, I just had one of my childhood friends confront me on my expectations.  Gotta love her...even when she pisses me off.  (We have permission to do that for each other.)  It's nice to have someone that remembers my childhood better than I do.  By the way, she said, in regards to my M, that a cat would have been a better M.  

She knows how difficult my marriage is - mostly because I want CONNECTION!!  But, she seems to think that I have some unrealistic expectations.     Whatever!

H did let me know he has planned a surprise date for Saturday night.  Very interesting.  I will do my best to pray to be willing to receive the good he has to offer.  My heart wants to retreat, bolt the concrete door shut and never let him in again.  But, I have to admit, that was a pretty bold move on his part given the fact that he read part of the post.  (I think he only read the first couple of postings.  Now I just wish he'd read the whole darn thing.)  

A big lesson for me in this painful week is that I have been carrying his responsiblity for many things - negativity, sense of inadequacy, fear, shame, etc...  That is my nature, I was trained for it, and it is the tendency of my temperament.  To change the tide means he will be angry and I will feel abandoned.  I guess this does not make him a monster; it makes him wounded as I am wounded.  (My friend would be proud of me right now.   )

Ugh...I so wish the process was easier and less painful.  

I'm off to pick up my little boy from school.  (He is so darn cute.)

chutz  
So,

[Anonymous]

Bunny, I hear what you are saying.  Still, this doesn't seem to take into account situations where one or both persons are in denial or otherwise fabricating their experiences.  Yeah, I know, who gets to decide who's doing that or not?  Certainly therapists and counselors, with training and experience.  I think that most of the rest of us do as well, just without the training.  Sometimes we do wait around long enough to gain some experience, though. I know that everyone does this dissociation to some extent.  I see a big difference between people who cling to dissociation as a life strategy versus people who are more-self aware and do this "incidentally."  No less out of touch with reality, just a lot less frequent.

Hi longtire,

In this particular case (which isn't like yours), there are two sides to the story. I don't think anyone was fabricating or dissociating. They were dealing with issues more about expectations and communicating disappointment. I think a mediator could resolve it. That's my opinion based on my own experience.

bunny