S.O.S.

[Stormchild]

Great news, Chutz! I'm so glad for you both.

[bunny]

We are having some pretty serious discussions about church right now.  He wants to leave, I feel called to minister.  It's a pretty big disagreement.  So, I told him "he may be right" and asked him to seriously explore the topic with our counselor and another man in his life.  He said he would.  I will trust God to lead us in this matter as well.  It's so nice to not have to do God's job anymore.

I'm really glad you had a good surprise last night. Good job letting God and your husband determine his outcome. Maybe there's room for both choices here. Right, you aren't responsible for his feelings, his religious decisions, his ambivalence, his problems. Detaching feels like losing control, being helpless, maybe awful things will happen, etc. But you'll find that it's the opposite. Enjoy the break you're giving everyone.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Dear Chutz:

That's so nice to hear, that you have such a lovely evening together.    

I think you said you will be seeing T today?  Here's hoping that goes very well too!

GFN

[chutzbagirl]

Thanks for the kind words Brigid, GFN, Stormy, Mud and Bunny.  

Change and growth are sssslllllooooowwwww.  God spoke to me loud and clear, several times since my last post on Saturday, to stay put and 'stand' amidst my difficulties.  We had an amazing speaker from Africa at our church on Sunday.  God spoke through him straight to my heart.  No dodging that message.  

Aren't you all amazed at the intensity of the pain during this healing process?  My goodness, sometimes I can barely function.  That is very humbling for me because performing and over-achieving were some of my primary survival tools.  (Minimizing, denial and repression kept me alive as well.  Aren't they all basically the same thing?)    

It takes guts to speak when we haven't had a voice.  It's scary for me to recognice and voice my needs.  Besides, the fear makes me clumsy and a bit ineffective.  So, like a toddler learning to walk, I am forced to speak up and persevere even when I stumble and blow it.  I can do the 'defensive dance' - get mad and defend myself from blame and accusations.  But, that's not speaking with my God-given voice; that's just making unneccesary, unintelligible noise.

I'm not looking forward to seeing my T.  I'm gonna have to be an adult, use my voice and express myself clearly.  I'm disappointed in him.  I feel neglected.  (Gee, that's a familiar sensation. )  Personally, whenever anybody has the audacity to push one of my pain buttons, little chutz would like to strike them with lightening and incinerate them on the spot.    But, since that's not a realistic, productive or legal way to solve my problems, I guess I'll have to "trust" in his general goodwill towards me and do the hard work.  Sounds like a fun session...Anybody want to meet me for a bagel and lox while I play hookey?    Actually, that's just what I'm gonna do, reward myself for this hard work after seeing my T by taking myself out to my favorite lunch...a bagel and lox.  I'll toast my Grandmother with my diet coke and think of you all.  

I hope you have a splendid Monday.  Best wishes to everybody,

chutz