how do I get past the pain

[rdslady]

Hi, I am new to this.
I met my narcissist boyfriend on a internet dating site. We here together on and off for over one year. It has been a roller coaster ride the entire time. In the beginning he was very charming but there would be problems about every two weeks. He would sulk and give me the silent treatment and withhold sex. Everything was my fault. He is super sentitive and needs praise all the time. He is a policeman and lives in another state about 2 1/2 hours away from me. We met in march and in June he told me he wanted to give me a ring and we would be exclusive. I fell for him fast and was thrilled. But he never would get off the dating site. He would go there several times a day. He made me afraid to talk to him about things that were bothering me so I tried to deal with it alone because I did not want him to get upset with me. But even when I had done nothing wrong he would still get upset with me and the cycle would begin again.
We broke up after I went to his apartment while he was at work. I found another women's picture framed over the t.v., cards from her sitting out and a used condom. I had sent him flowers and they were on the coffee table but my card was missing. (i guess he was going to give my flowers to her) Before we broke up we spend a week at my house and after he went back home he stopped calling me and would not return my calls. I finally got him to answer the phone and asked him what was wrong. He said he had been calling me but I would not answer the ohone. I sent him a e-mail asking him why his profile was still up on the website and why he was going there every day. He did not answer that. That is when I decided to pay him a visit. The strange thing about his apartment is that there was no old mail (bills etc) and only about a weeks worth of clothes. I think he has another apartment.
After we were broke up for about two months we got back together but this time he never told me he loved me like he would before. Things were a little rocky but then things seamed great for about 6 months which is the longest time he is able to keep it together with a women.
He is jealous of my cat, co-workers and my love of baseball.
He gave me a German Shepherd puppy for my birhtday and keeps saying that the dog is going to kill my cat and the cat has served his purpose and his days are numbered.
The Friday before Valentines day he put up another profile on the dating website and his handle name was for women looking for cops. He got mad at me three times after valentines day and he hung up on me because I had gone out with two male co-workers and had a few beers. We did not speak for about one month. I finally broke down and called him. He said he was miserable without me and the time apart has made him think about the fact that he needs to tell people that he cares about them. He admitted he was not a good communicator and would try to do better. During the break up he added another profile on the dating website and this one is the one he is using everyday.
He came up for one day and everything was great. He told me he was thinking about trying to get on the highway patrol where I live and move. He even showed me a letter from the highway department stating he had 6 months to take the test. But I asked him if he really wanted to leave the police department and he said I don't know.
He came up the next weekend and was completely different. He was cold, silent and seamed upset about something but when I asked him what war wrong he said nothing was wrong. He withheld sex and left the next morning. I asked him to call me when he got home to let me know he was home safely but he never did, but he went to the dating website so I knew he was home. I finally sent him an e-mail the next morning ald told him all three profiles on the dating website had to go or I was gone.
The e-mail I got back from him made me laugh so hard. He told me I was in a very bad mood and was ride to him while he was at my house. He would had been more comfortable at a hotel. (all of this is a reflection of his mood not mine) He never said a word about the dating profiles. My e-mail response back to him was that he must be living on another planet. I have not heard from him since. It has been almort one month and I am having trouble dealing with this. I can't believe I let him back into my life and treat me like a worthless person.  I tried everything to make him happy. I am a giving person and he took advantage of that. I think I was more of a nother figure that a lover. Our love life was good in the beginning but it became more like he was using my body for masturbation. There was no passion, no kissing and no touching.
But he would always tell he that he cared for me more than I will ever know and he was very proud of our relationship (probably I was the longest relationship he has ever had)
I know that I am not alone, there are so many women who has fallen for a narcissist but I do feel alone and I have got to stop thinking about him before it drives me crazy. I still go to the dating website just to see that he has been there and I can't stop doing that and that makes me sick.

Sorry I did not mean to run on like this but I have been holding this inside on me and I just needed to let go.

Thanks for listening,
Robin

[Jaded911]

Hi Robin,

I understand how you feel and I am so so so sorry for your pain.  I learned alot about myself through my ordeal with my N boyfriend.  The one thing that I had to understand and accept was that no matter what I did or said, it still would have set him off or it still wouldnt have been right.  I was damned if I did and damned if I didnt.  I dunno how people can act the way these jerks do but I promise, it will take awhile to figure out, but you will figure it out.

I guess I had a hard time accepting that I was REJECTED BY A REJECT.  Thats what it felt like anyway but you know what hun, I came to the realization that I had to go before he sucked anymore of my will from me.  I consider my past with him as a learning experience, not a mistake.  It took its toll on me but my gosh did I learn alot about humanity and about myself.

Hugs to you and I would suggest finding a sympathetic ear to listen to you.  Maybe that friend or loved one can help you keep things in perspective.  I had a friend who kept me grounded and she saved what sanity I had left after this N ordeal.

[bunny]

Welcome,

This guy is 100% bad news. He can only hurt you. He is totally self-interested and will use, exploit, take advantage, lie, screw around, cheat, and destroy anyone who gets close. Run like hell and don't look at his profile no matter what! Post here whenever you get the urge. Are you in therapy?

bunny

[rdslady]

Hi Bunny,

No I am not in therapy. Money is tight for me now.
It just makes me sick to know he is preying on other women on that dating site. He is a predator. But I know I can't do anything about that.
I wish I could. He lied to me about so many things, even his age.
I wonder if narcissit have a problem getting older. I did a background
check on him after I caught him cheating on me to find out if he was married and thank God he was not married. He does have a daughter who lives about two hours from where he lives and he never see her or talkes about her. I believe he has a problem with his motheralso.
The only thing that I know is true is that he is a policeman. Everything else was a lie. He knows how to tell a woman what she wants to here in order to get her trust and the he makes her submissive with him. I am so afraid that I will get weak and let him back into my life. but I hope I will continue to be strong and not let him back in because he will suck the life out of me yet again.
I came here to get support and understanding from others who understand what I am going through.
I have read many books about narcissist and done research on the internet to help he keep my head straight and to understand that it was not my fault. He took advantage of me because I am a giver and I am submissive.
This whole relationship and the aftermath has been a nightmare that I would not wish on anyone.

Thanks for your support
Robin

[rdslady]

Hi Jaded
Thanks for the reply.

You are right, It is hard to accept that I was rejected by a reject.
I know that I am a good person and that is why he preyed on me.
I am not sure if I can trust another man again. I don't want to date
at all because I feel damaged.
I can't believe that I loved someone who would treat me like he did. He never really retruned my love. I am also worried that he will use the Dog he gave me as an excuse to get in touch with me. He put the dogs papers in both our names.  This guy even wanted me to get pregnant. Thank God that never happened because I am sure I would be raising a child alone with no help from him.
There is no telling how long he has been preying on women through the dating site and I am just one of his countless victims.

I just needed to talk to others who understand and have been through what I am going through.

Thanks,
Robin

[Serena]

Personally, I think you had a lucky escape.

Also, re: the internet, there are really genuine sites like this one but the other 80% are filled with fraudulent, inadequates who can 'be' anybody in cyber space.  It looks to me like he was just trawling for sex with quantity being his criteria, not quality.  Keep posting.

Kind regards

[mum]

(((((Robin))))).  Oh boy, you got a real stinker, didn't you?  Thank your lucky stars you got away.  Don't feel bad about yourself anymore.  Totally not worth the pain....you've had enough without giving yourself some more.
I married and had kids with a guy just like that.....and I would have been very lucky if he dissapeared, but instead he uses the children to punish me more (hurts them to hurt me).  Seriously, you are one lucky gal!!
I could beat myself up for being such a sucker for so long, but how productive is that?
I found therapy to be very helpful in sorting out my feelings and in investigating why I accepted this in the first place.  I highly recommend it.
Congratulations....even though you feel crappy right now...it will pass, and I, for one, am thrilled to hear of your escape.
Don't worry, when you heal, not all guys are like that....but work on loving yourself first, it will pay off later.
Bless you........and stay away from that dating site!  Disconnect from him, even if that means giving the dog back (ouch, huh? )  Or at least keep your vet bills, so you can prove the dog is yours....if the papers are in his name too, it may only matter if you breed the dog, right?  So nueter it and enjoy your dog and your cat and to hell with this guy.

[forwardbound]

rdslady,

I think the only way to get past the pain is to go straight through it. Our only crime here (and it's not a crime) is that we did care, and unfortunately gave way more of ourselves than any healthy relationship would require and got very little in return.

It's not a quick process, but the good news is, we are the ones capable of caring and we can find love in a healthy realtionship. They will never be capable.  I lose sight of that sometimes myself, but it's good to remember. Think about how fulfilled you would feel if you were leading his life--it wouldn't amount to much and he's not going to change for anyone else.  I have to tell you, my ex N was also  an officer, and I work closely with police officers in my job. I'm not saying all officers are N's, but for those that are, it's the perfect place for them. Their supply is well fed, and when they want to take advantage, it's so easy for them.  I've seen far more than I've ever wanted to, but that charm in the beginning is so hard to resist and what pulled me in.

So, take care of yourself and take the good days and embrace them, and just put up with the not so good days. They will pass.

[Brigid]

rdslady,
Welcome and consider yourself very blessed to be away from that loser.  I was married to mine for 22 years and had 2 children.  They are excellent liars, manipulators, cheaters, and can charm the skin off a snake, but they will never be good to or for you.

I agree exactly with what forwardbound said in that we can move on and have love again hopefully.  We can feel and care and empathize.  They will never have any of that and will only use, abuse and discard the people who love them.

I agree that therapy is your best bet if you can find a way.  There is a reason that you allowed this man into your life and to show such disregard for your feelings.  You need to heal the wound that allowed that to happen.  We can blame them for many things, but eventually we have to look into ourselves to find the peace that will make us whole and prevent any repeat performances.

Blessings,

Brigid

[rdslady]

Hi forwardbound

It is good to hear from someone who was also involved with a narcissist police officer. I have wondered it they are drawned to the job because they are nariciisist or does the job make them narcissits. Maye both.
His charm is what caught me and kept me submissive. I thought police officers were supposed to have integrity but not true in my case.
I am almost 100% sure he had two apartments because the one he took me to he had rent free because he did there security so he could afford to have two. I checked yahoo people search after I caught him cheating on me and found another address which is less than one mile of the police department and is low rent. After I told him I thought he had two apartments in an e-mail, about three days later that address never came up again on people search. How funny. He started to cover his tracks but too late because I already knew.
I think he liked it that I lived in another state because he had a place to get away. A nice house with home cooked meals and someone to do his laundry. Just like good ol Mom.
This guy who has no integrity was office of the year last year. I guess his charm works on his co-workers as well and the women in his life or should I say his victims.
Live and learn.

Robin

[rdslady]

Brigid

I think I allowed this to happen is because I did not get the love I needed from my parents especailly my father while growing up. Both my parents are dead now but I can say that after I became an adult things were much better but I think the damage was already done.
This guy sold me a bill of goods and I bought it hook, line and sinker. He told me everything I wanted to hear from a man. It was exciting at first but that didn't last long before the monster in him came out.
You know I have had better conversations with a lamp than with him.
I have not sent him any e-mails because I know that it will do no good. They don't get it and they never will. But it still hurts.
I will say that yesterday I was at a very low point and found this site late last night but was too tired to get my story out. But today all of you have helped me so much. I really feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks to everyone,
Robin

[Brigid]

rdslady,

I think I allowed this to happen is because I did not get the love I needed from my parents especailly my father while growing up. Both my parents are dead now but I can say that after I became an adult things were much better but I think the damage was already done.

BINGO!!!  I have the exact same story and both my parents are now dead as well.  That is the pain you need to heal.  This is what I am doing in therapy now.  It sucks, but is necessary to prevent those losers from reentering our lives.

If you read my story, you will see parallels, as well as many others here.  The bottom line is that they are no longer worth our time or energy.  I have beat that horse to death and it won't change anything or make me feel any better or heal any faster.  You just have to work through the pain with the faith that you will eventually feel better and definitely be better off without him.

Hugs,

Brigid

[forwardbound]

rdslady and brigid,

Like both of you, I can also attribute my "reasons" and choice in my N to my upbringing. While my parents did what they thought best, my mom was very strict growing up and we had to follow what she knew were the right decisions for us...no choices...no left or right. It turns you into a person who feels like they have to please all the time. I can remember wanting to feel loved and accepted by my mom from a little girl and being afraid of doing something wrong and not having that acceptance. I was married at 23 and separated from my (controlling) husband after 5 yrs. It was then that I realized I have never made my own decisions. I didn't have a clue how, or the confidence to make my own decisions. I was living as an extension of other people. NO CLUE WHO I WAS.

After my marriage, I met the N, and it's about 4 1/2 yrs. later now. My husband died shortly after we separated, I pulled my life together. I raise our daughter, own a nice home, and take care of us pretty darn well. Dealing with that, you would think getting past the N would be a piece of cake, but it's been more difficult than separation, death and anything else I've been through.

For the first time in the four years though, I can see the parallels between my relationship with my mom and with the N. I don't try to please my mother anymore, but we will never have the emotional connection that I could only wish for. But, I'm seeing that the relationship with the N is lacking the same elements and I was bending myself into a pretzel to try and make myself perfect for him-- trying to get back the fantasy guy who was there in the beginnning--trying to be accepted as part of his life.

rdslady, as far as being an officer, I don't want to say too much for fear of giving myself away here, but it is the perfect place for them. My ex N carries himself as if he is invincible.You think that they have integrity, and are respected because we are supposed to respect those in that posittion. But, the truth is, if you don't serve him a purpose, you better get the heck out of his way or you'll be run over. He is a power hungry, control freak that thinks the world owes him. I could say a lot, but I won't. There are some wonderful officers, and I do have the greatest respect for them. Unfortunately, the others do not paint a good picture for them.

Hope your feeling better!

forwardbound

[rdslady]

Thanks Forwardbound,

You are right about how officers are control freaks and power hungry.
That is exactly how my XN was and he was not ashamed to show it.
I wonder if he knows that he has a problem? I feel that I was the longest relationship he had ever had and that is why he wanted to marry me. He saw that I was submissive and would give him his supply without complaining. He always made me afraid to talk to him about things he did to upset me. I just kept it all in. But when he was Mr Charming one week and Mr Monster the next week, I just could not take it anymore.
I was so worried about how much he was cheating on me. Since I lived in another state, I could not check up on him which made it so easy for him.

I guess the internet is a perfect breading ground for N's. They can sit in the comfort of there own home and pick and choose there next victim.
There charm is so powerful and blinding. They will tell a women exactly what she wants to hear from a man to get them hooked. Once you are hook, that is when the trouble begins. It is so hard to let them go because your heart feels one thing for them but your head knows something is very wrong with them. I did not listen to my head and there were so many red flags (so many lies) that I just gave excuses for.

This guy had a good set up with two apartments. He was leading a double life. I knew it and still took him back.
I thought my love for him would change him. Now I know they will never change.

Well, I have had No Contact with him for 6 weeks come this Tuesday.
I am so proud of myself for being strong. I hope I continue to be strong.

Thanks,
Robin

[write]

English poet Wendy Cope:


Defining the Problem


I can't forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I can't quite cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.



Stay strong Robin, you deserve much more than this creep.