Growing FEAR

[Anonymous]

...teach them that there is no such thing as magic, only  tricks that we play on people.

This is a fantastic idea and so is October's recommendation that the father NOT be told about it or shown any of the tricks. Perhaps this could become part of play therapy with the t?

[Anonymous]

What struck me immediately from this lettter, however, is that the lawyer is writing not only on behalf of his client, but also for his own personal peace of mind. What is that all about?  He has no business being somewhat concerned, except only on his client's behalf. He has no business saying 'I am somewhat confused' (Although, in a Freudian sense, it appears to be true.  ).

I really feel obligated to file an ethics complaint against this attorney. Not only for sending this letter directly to me and the T but for past infractions as well.  I have been present in the court room when the Judge admonished his attorney for unprofessional behavior.  X N missed a couple of court dates so I don't think he knows what a truly rotten lawyer he has.  He thinks his attorney is the "cream of the crop".

The bright side is that both X N and his attorney are providing me with valuable ammunitition for the next battle/legal round. It's been more than obvious that the assigned Judge doesn't care for his attorney which I feel can only benefit me.  His lawyer is from another county and doesn't seem to have any connections in my county.  I guess I can only hope that he keeps this guy.  

Re: Magic set.  The kids have one. My brother bought them one last year.
I'll have to whip it out.

Mia

[October]

Re: Magic set.  The kids have one. My brother bought them one last year.
I'll have to whip it out.

Mia

Excellent.  Wonderful brother!!  Pick a card, any card ...  [] [] [] []      

Thinking further, though.  There is such a thing as magic, only not the N version.  Ns don't know about real magic.  

[miaxo]

Last night at bedtime my daughter told me that she wants to poison her Dad.  She also asked, "Why does he have to be my Father?!!"  

How do I deal with this?  I don't want her going to a crisis center.  I know she wouldn't act on this and we had a long talk, etc.  It disturbs me that she is even thinking of poisoning him.  She said she would put it in his food.  

I'm trying to think of all the movies/tv shows she has watched lately.  I don't know whether or not she could have pulled this idea from a show??

This morning she acted fine and went off to school.  

SIGH.  I don't know what's going on.

[bunny]

This morning she acted fine and went off to school.  

SIGH.  I don't know what's going on.

Mia,

Children can say really extreme things. I've heard some mindblowing things from my niece about death, killing, etc. It's shocking but it happens. Anyway, here's what I might do if she said this stuff to me:

"Wow, you want to poison him and kill him. Really?"
"Yeah, I'd put it in his food and he'd die."
"You're right. You must really be mad at him to want to poison him."
"I HATE him. I don't want him to be my father!"
"I can hear that. You're very very mad at him. You even hate him right now."
etc.

I would not react very strongly if I thought she was fantasizing. If I thought she was really going to do this, that's a different story. But I think she just wanted you to know she feels a lot of rage. Once she felt understood, she could go to school.

bunny

[October]

Last night at bedtime my daughter told me that she wants to poison her Dad.  She also asked, "Why does he have to be my Father?!!"  

How do I deal with this?  I don't want her going to a crisis center.  I know she wouldn't act on this and we had a long talk, etc.  It disturbs me that she is even thinking of poisoning him.  She said she would put it in his food.  

Well, if you stop and think about it, setting aside actually doing it, don't you think your daughter is entitled to think this way?  It might be rather more unnatural if she didn't, given her experiences.

C says stuff like this a lot.  She says she wishes her dad was dead, and sometimes that she wants to kill him.  I say, I don't blame you for wishing that, as long as you understand that wishing doesn't make it happen, and that if or when he does die, it is because of his condition, not because you wanted it.  But if you feel so badly that you wish for this, then I can understand that.  I feel really bad too.  

I think if C talked about poison, like this, I would make a game of it.  I would help her to make up a recipe, like in George's Marvellous Medicine.  Then I would help her to imagine what would happen to her dad, like his hair turning orange or something, and maybe draw a picture.  Then I would tell her that the next time she is afraid of her dad, to imagine him with orange hair, but not tell him what she is thinking, and with any luck some of the fear will turn into laughter inside.

[Dawndulane]

I don't feel that my daughter is developing a mental illness. I know how X N operates and he is not afraid to use intimidation tactics at every turn. My daughter is the spitting image of me and she has a very strong personality and tends to challenge when she feels something is wrong. I would bet everything that he views her as a mini me.....his nemesis. Even though he can't stand being around her, he sees her as one of his possessions...something for him to control.

BINGO!  you are exactly right....I have the same issue with my XN viewing my SON as mini me....and no, I don't believe that your daughter is developing a mental illness, either.  I believe that the children/victims of a parent N need an outlet to vent through....I try to be the outlet for my son, as opposed to in inanimate object or his disassociating with him self and his environment.  I let him yell (not at me, but at the situation).  I let him curse, some and I encourage him to tell me everything he is feeling.  I let him get angry, while sitting next to me, so he can't lash out at himself or anything else.  I would imagine, Mia, my 10 year old, after many of his visits with his N father, has felt like banging on anything and everything....the pain and blood on her hand are insignificant to your daughter compared to the pain in her heart.  Unfortunately, she has been successfully manipulated by your XN to believe that he is watching all the time.  Though, I know that my XN watches me and my son whenever he can (at my son's sporting events he just glares at both of us), perhaps you could reassure your daughter that he can only see her when she can see him.  Above all, make sure that you let her know that as soon as she gets home to you, you will be ready and available for her to vent to....I know how you feel when you say that you'd like to rush the car and kill him....these aren't anything but a mother's desire to protect her babies, at any cost...I believe that's what we all are, here in this world of support...hang in there and hug and hug and hug your daughter.  I am constantly amazed how much better my son feels after a huge hug and I tell him our "secret" love you....God bless you and your daughter....hugs to you, Mia.

[Guest2]

miaxo wrote:
Last night at bedtime my daughter told me that she wants to poison her Dad. She also asked, "Why does he have to be my Father?!!"

Hi Miaxo,
It hink your daughter's reaction is healthy.  I would just let it come out and you can agree about the anger part, I think others have provided much better reponses than I can think of.

As far as where she got the idea - if I understand she is either 5 or 7 years old?  and poisoning is an event in lots of fairy tales.  So it might not be an inappropriate thing she was exposed to (or may be depending on what you feel) but actually a good thing because she now has a way to strike back, if only in her imagination.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Dawndulane and Guest 2.

My daughter has been doing much better the past week and a half.  She freely confides in me, my husband, and my Mom.

X N still hasn't agreed to a summer schedule.  He wanted some ridiculous schedule and I said NO.  So, I'm waiting on a motion from the court that I imagine he is filing.  The fun never ends.

At present, it's the calm before the storm.  Trying not to think about it though.  Well, at least not too much.

Mia

[mum]

Mia: just to let you know: the "I can't get my way on the summer schedule so I'm taking you to court" show is going on out here in the stinkin' desert too!  Hey, at least we are not alone, huh?
Maybe these exNidiots have thier own support forum where they share ideas and advice on how to best use their genetic weapons (our children) to continue abusing the women who were smart enough to call them on thier behavoir and divorce them.  Whaddya think?

I'm screaming right there with you, sister!
And after I scream, I get to go on with my beautiful life, which just pisses him off even more.  Oh well!!!

Solidarity, Mia. I've got your (emotional) back, okay?
 I don't share much (detail wise) here, because it's too complicated and I am sooo sick of dealing with it....talking or writing about it seems to give it too much credence.  It's all a crazy man with money story, that's all.  He hates life, cannot love,so  I just keep moving, one foot in front of the other to my goal: life without his darkness!
Just remember: darkness cannot survive in the light.  It simply cannot win.
Sending you light!!!!

[sleepyhead]

Mia: I don't have any prctical tips for you, don't know much of legal matters, just wanted to say that I feel for you and your children and am keeping my fingers crossed.