the courage to change

[Anonymous]

I'm starting this thread because I'm in a rut so deep I can no longer see over the edge, and I need your collective wisdom on how to climb out of it.

I've spent my whole life believing that I really shouldn't try for things and get my hopes up, because my failure is inevitable.  Sure as the sun rises in the East.  Consciously, I know this probably isn't true--statistics alone would demonstrate otherwise.  I've also had more than my share of friends, teachers, colleagues, etc., who've been generous with positive feedback.  My husband believes in me absolutely.

And yet, and yet...it doesn't stick.  It's all people being "nice" or "charitable" or "sympathetic."  When I try to stand up for my position (say, at work), I get so anxious--the whole sweaty-palms-palpitations-want-to-throw-up thing--that I generally back down almost immediately.  I've turned being inconspicuous into an art form.  Now I have two major projects, neither of which is technically my job, that have been dumped in my lap because no one else will work on them and my boss knows that I will shut up and get them done.  I really don't mind the work itself, but I mind like crazy doing other people's work for them--people who are higher paid, more prominent, and more valued in the organization.  

The truth is, I would like to change careers and direction.  I will never get promoted where I am (for a number of reasons, not just my invisibility-as-career-strategy attitude), and I'm not sure I'd want to be more deeply involved in this agency, anyway.  I cannot see sitting in this office waiting to retire--that's at least 20 years from now.  I need to pull my head out and change course, but that's the most frightening thing I can imagine, mostly because of my above-mentioned certainty that I will fail.

I'm not saying any of this for effect, or to get your attention.  I've lived with this for a long time, and I know how to go on living with it.  But oh, why do I have to live with it?  Why can't I believe that I have a chance--not a certainty, just a chance--at succeeding at something I chose because I wanted it, not because it was easy, available, and secure?

I've been wrestling with the legacy of my childhood for a long time, as have all of us.  In my case, I think that destructive, corrosive negativity was the worst thing my mother gave me.  I spent most of my adolescence bringing home trophies of one sort or another, which she would literally and metaphorically throw away.  I was a very precocious writer; by the time I was in eighth grade, I'd written multiple chapters of a novel, which I "hid" (ineffectively) in the bottom drawer of the linen closet.  I think my most painful childhood memory is the day she told me she had thrown it away, because I had to know that it wasn't any good.  Some years later, I was selected for a scholarship at a summer writing program.  At the end of the program, I won the honor of reading at the final "showcase."  (Since it was state-funded, they always put on a show for whatever state legislators they could round up.)  I called my mother, brimming with pride.  "Oh, I thought this was something important," she said when I told her.

Now, I realize that I was not chained to a radiator.  I realize that I was not starved, beaten, or raped.  I was fed and clothed, and someone asked me how my day had been.  But I also know that I cannot get past this feeling that nothing I do really matters, and that the part of me that I hold most dear--my identity as a writer--is nothing more than a bad joke, an adolescent fantasy from which I had better wake up.  And it's killing me very, very slowly.  Perhaps if I'd been able to have children, I could have put my energy into their possibilities.  But that didn't happen for me.  In a part of myself, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason I can't have children is that I'm supposed to connect with the future in a different way.  But as soon as I really let that thought penetrate my mind, I am overcome by a sadness that almost knocks me down.  I'd like that to be true, but I know better.

Please forgive the self-pitying aspects of this post.  As I say, I know that in the scope of personal tragedies, mine is not very great.  And I do try to stay aware of that--at least, sufficiently aware to be able to respond to other people with the attention they deserve.  But I also need to put this somewhere, because I am losing the motivation to haul myself out of bed and sit in this office.  I do not want my life to turn into the long wait for death or a series of pleasant-enough diversions.  I want to contribute.  I want to believe I can contribute.

As always, thank you for listening.

daylily

[daylily]

Sorry I didn't log in properly.  My computer has been misbehaving lately, and I forgot that have to reactivate myself at all web sites.

daylily

[Serena]

The abuse of the Narcissist is much, much more covert than say that of the paedophile.  I'm not too sure the outcomes are much different in that abused children grow up with NEGATIVE self-esteem.  I feel exactly the same as you do.  I'm stuck in a cr*p admin job although I have a very good degree in Psychology because I'm afraid to try and fail.  I was told every day of my life how stupid, evil, disobedient, ugly, ungrateful, hateful and rubbish I was.  Obviously, when the person telling you this is the person you love with all your heart - that you are a satellite around - i.e. the mother, you sure as hell believe it.  She told me she wished I'd never been born, that I was an hourly drain on her finances, emotions and freedom.  Of course you (the child) is going to take her at her word and hide in a corner and cry about how BAD a child you are.

You write beautifully.  You should think of joining a creative writing class.  I'm not so bad now that I've had therapy, her voice is finally out of my head, but I'm still wary about going for my dreams.

[chutzbagirl]

Daylily,

You are obviously a wonderful writer.  Emotional abuse is so difficult to heal from because there are no outward scars or signs of trauma.  How awful for your M to dismiss your giftedness and your achievements.  A child desperately needs to feel love and approval from his/her M.  

I hope you give yourself some grace and affirmation for the abuse you did suffer.  It was real and needs focused attention to heal.  I hope you do follow your dreams and use your talents.  I hope you break the chain.  Whether you have children or not, breaking the chain in your life will impact future generations.  

Best wishes for you!

chutzbagirl

[Anonymous]

Ok Daylily:

It's all people being "nice" or "charitable" or "sympathetic."

Exactly.  They try to encourage you because they know or sense you need encouragement.  It doesn't sink in....because the one you really want that encouragement from, the one who would really "make" you feel good about yourself, who you would believe, who you have believed, whether conscious or unconsciously.....for most of your life....that one is...

Your mother.

And I am so, so very, very sorry that she didn't do that for you and how much that has hurt you.  It is something serious and detrimental to a child's development....to feel valued ...and your mother did not express that you are valued, that you have value, that you are worthy, capable, or encourage such truths!!!  Truths!!!  

Truths Daylily.  You are a fantastic writer.  I can feel what your spot is like...to a great extent.  I hear how hurt and lost and confused this is for you.  I understand, from what you wrote, the circumstances (some of them....because you obviously haven't written all of them) that caused, is causing this trouble for you.  Because you have communicated very accurately, with much feeling, with great description.....of it and that...is the truth of a great writer.

You are one.  But........your mommy doesn't even acknowledge this.  Could she be jealous?  Envious?  Afraid you might surpass her accomplishments?  One possible explanation.  There could be many.

Examining them might help.  But more so.......I really believe the answer to your problem is that you must be the one to give yourself...what your mother (God forgive her soul) has not.  It is a lack of self-value, an old tape (as it has been called on this board) playing in your head that keeps that lack of self-esteem intact.  So...maybe to help yourself...you will have to do two things.

!.  Find a way to kill/abolish/meltdown/ruin/discard/ignor/discount that old tape.  Those words......you "had to know it wasn't any good" are what Patricia Evan calls "pretending, backward, controlling" words (in her book...Controlling people...which I am reading...are ya proud of me for not picking more history or what???? ).  Your mother tried to pretend she knew your inner reality by saying that you had to know.  You didn't know.  You knew otherwise......know otherwise....that you are a great writer!  You had worked hard and your book was good!!  How dare she assume to know what you know or say what you know or convince you of what she decides you know!!!  It was the exact opposite of what you knew/know.  Your book was a work, a struggle, an accomplishment, and pretty good for your age, the total opposite of what she was trying to convince you to believe.  Totally backward.  And controlling.  Convince you.  Throw it away so you'll have to start over and give up.  That was cruel and it hurt.

Your experience is just as harmful, just as hurtful, just as devistating as any here.  You are worthy to grieve the loss of a non-mother.  You have every right and you are not whining or complaining.  You are expressing your pain, expressing it clearly and with feeling and in a way that others, like me, can understand and I commend you for that!!  Your pain is just as real as any other, Daylily.

Start telling yourself she's full of _________.  She's sick (certainly not acting/hasn't acted as a healthy, loving mother).  That what she says doesn't matter.  That you will not listen to the old tapes any more.  That you don't believe them.  That all of that junk was garbage and nothing more.  Not true.  Lies.  The truth is no where to be found there.  The stuff that was said about you being unworthy, having no value, being no good, all the derogatory crap that was played out, is playing out......is just that.
Crap.  
Tell yourself this over and over, every single day from now on.
That's step 1.

And 2.
You must make new tapes.  Positive affirmations.  Love yourself.  Accept that you have a talent for writing.  Decide that you can write if you want to.  Build your own worth, in your own head, with your own words.  Again...over time, repeatedly, daily, from now on.  No quitting.  No looking back.  What she said was garbage.  The truth is you are very capable of success and have already succeeded at some things.  Look for them and list them.  Give yourself credit for stuff you have done right.  Believe that you will do more.  Tell yourself everyday from now on that you are worthy, of value, capable and good.  You are!!!  You really are!!

     

GFN

[mudpuppy]

Hi Daylily,

As I say, I know that in the scope of personal tragedies, mine is not very great.

A tragedy is a tragedy. A talented creative girl was damaged rather than loved by the one person who should have valued you above all others, especially herself. I have someone close to me who was beaten by her first husband, but 'only' abandoned by her second. She says that the emotional pain of being thrown away was much worse than the physical pain of being beaten to the point of being in the hospital for a week.
So don't minimize what she did to you. Your pain is just as real as anyone else's.

Is there any way you can write some things on the side and submit them for publication? Rather than just forcing yourself to take the total plunge by quitting your job and diving in head first. Maybe a few incremental successes would build your confidence and direct you in the right path.
Does it have to be all or nothing?

Is it impossible for you to adopt a child? I have a couple of sets of friends who have adopted kids in the foster care system who had little chance of being adopted by anyone just because they weren't infants. A possibility? Maybe? Maybe not? And these folks weren't spring chickens neither.

mudpup

[longtire]

daylily, I'm sorry that your mother not only failed to support you and build you up, but that she actively put you down.  You did not deserve to be treated that way.  You deserve to be supported and validated.

A lot of what you have written of your experience pushes my buttons.  (Which means a long post! )  I did not (usually) have aggressive parents.  Most of the time, I was just ignored.  Even though I wasn't told it, I still got the message that I had no worth and my parents were not motivated to bother to have any emotional connection with me.

The flow from our parents is "supposed" to be postive from them to us until we can generate our own positives for ourselves.  ANYTHING that doesn't accomplish that goal is in the WRONG direction.  Abuse, neglect, attacking, overwhelming, or anything else like this that a parent does to their child is in the WRONG direction.  It doesn't matter how far in the wrong direction it is, the self-sustaining "positive" engine did not get started in the child.  That seems like what most of us here are struggling with, regardless of the severity of the original parental behavior.

I'm not trying to minimize worse abuses.  There definitely are things that cause children to step further and further from themselves to cope with abuse.  Still, it seems like all the grownup "kids" are really just trying to start that "positive" engine up themselves.  Some have bigger burdens of parentally-instilled crap to unload before they can do that.

daylily, in my own personal experience, I have learned that the only way to make true progress against these tenacious (how long has it been there?), sneaky voices in our heads is to confront them and move through them.  EXACTLY what would it look and sound like if you failed spectacularly?  At work?  In writing?  Personally?  How would you react?  What would you do after the worst possible consequences?  How would you survive?  In the past, what actually did happen when you failed?  (Deliberately ignore twisted experiences with Nmom on this one.)  Were you abandoned?  Persecuted?  By ANYONE other than sick Nmom?  Can you live with the things that will happen and have happened after failure?  (Hint:  You have so far!)

How do you treat people who fail you?  Do you persecute them?  Do you abandon them?  Have you ever forgiven anyone who failed you?  Have you forgiven yourself for failing to meet your mother's unhealthy, sick N needs?  (I am NOT saying you should have!  Just wondering whether you may still blame yourself for not "taking care" of your mother enough to make her happy, no matter that it was impossible.)

Do you feel safe enough to comtemplate and answer these questions at this point in your life?  Only to yourself, you do not owe me or anyone here any answers.

[Brigid]

Daylily,

I know what it is like to have the scars of emotional abuse and neglect and feel like it shouldn't be that bad since we weren't beaten, sexually abused, or starved.  But we really were starved--of affection and love and security and support--all the things a parent should provide no matter what the economic level.

I drifted through life never being very good at anything until I made the decision that I was the only person who was going to support me.  Since the day I came to that conclusion (about age 27 when I decided to go back to college and finish my degree, and I'm 54 now), I have been very accomplished in most everything I have attempted.  There have certainly been failures, but I blame no one but myself and give credit to no one but myself.  The one truly failed area has been the relationships, ending in 2 failed marriages.  I can certainly take some of the blame there, but most of it needs to go back to the negative tapes of my father and the disinterest of my mother, leading me to choose the wrong partners.  But with the second marriage, I at least have my 2 children to show for it and nothing could be better than that.

I agree with Mudpup--can you do some writing on the side and see what happens before jumping in with both feet?  You truly have a gift and its a shame that you aren't able to use it to its highest potential.

I also agree with the adoption thing.  I adopted my beautiful daughter who has been the greatest gift of my life.  At the very least, can you get involved with a program like Big brothers, Big Sisters; or find a way to work with kids in a reading and writing program in the local school system.  There are always children out there who need love and attention.  Remember, you were one of them.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

daylily,

Your job is like your mom: it takes you for granted, doesn't appreciate you, and sucks the life out of you. I don't know if there's a way to make the job less exploitive but that's one thing I'd attempt doing. As for writing, you're obviously a talented writer. And you know it.  Your ability to write is an asset. Most people can't write. It's kind of rare that anyone has the level of skill you have. Your mom was envious and a horrible brat who tried to destroy you out of her infantile rage. Dump her attitude into the toilet, it's just a bunch of crap that is supposed to ruin you. Don't let it.

bunny

[Butterfly guesting]

(((Daylily)))

Do you feel there's an invisible clear glass barrier that keeps you from taking hold of your dreams?  As if this force is holding you down from reaching for the stars.  Like you know you have what it takes to succeed but somehow you can't seem to no matter how hard you try.

What I find true in my life is that every action we take hinges on our core beliefs of ourselves.  It seems that no matter how great ppl's advices are, they don't stick unless those advices/words coincide with my core beliefs of who I am.  Sometimes, beliefa of myself are so embedded in my subconscious that I'm not even aware of them.  Would it helpful if you make an appointment with yourself and list one by one all the things you believe about yourself and your definition of success?  After you've made the list, to go through each one and objectively and honestly ask yourself why you belief such and such.  Then, ask yourself whether that particular belief is working for you or working against you.  If the latter is true, ask yourself, how can I make it work to my advantage?  Instead of asking yourself whether the way I'm living, behaving, and thinking is successful or unsuccessful, ask yourself whether the way I'm living, behaving, and thinking is working or not working.  Keep brainstorming til you find a strategy that works.  Don't our dreams have to be in concert with our belief system?  I believe so.

I like to include an excerpt from a book I'm currrently reading, maybe it has some relevance to you, if not, I apologize.

"The prizes of life are at the end of each journey, not near the beginning.  And it is not given to me to know how many steps are necessary in order to reach my goal.  Failure I may still encounter at the thousandth step, yet success hides behind the next bend in the road.  Never will I know how close it lies unless I turn the corner.  Always will I take another step.  If that is of no avail I will take another, and yet another.  In truth, one step at a time is not too difficult.  Henceforth, I will consider each day's effort as but one blow of my blade against a mighty oak.  The first blow may cause not a tremor in the wood, nor the second, nor the third.  Each blow of itself, may be trifling, and seem of no consequence.  Yet from childish swipes the oak will eventually tumble.  So it will be with my efforts of today.  If I persist long enough I will win."

"...I am a unique creature of nature.  I am rare, and there is value in all rarity; therefore, I am valuable.  My skills, my mind, my heart, and my body will stagnate, rot, and die lest I put them to good use.  I have unlimited potential.  Only a small portion of my brain do I employ; only a paltry amount of my muscles do I flex.  I am not on this earth by chance.  I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand.  Henceforth will I apply all my efforts to become all I can be and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy."

Thinking of you, Daylily.
Butterfly

[daylily]

Your posts, individually and collectively, have certainly given me a lot to think about.  I want to write more about some of the issues that you've raised.  I don't have time right now, but I did not want to let the day end without thanking each of you.  Your words, and the time you took to write them, mean more to me than I can really express.

daylily

[mum]

Hi, Daylily.  I don't think you are alone in this at all. I did not have the nightmare mother you had, I actually had one who believed in me more than I did myself, but I still have that fear of actually acheiving my dreams..  I think it is amazing that you are the fully functioning, wonderful, articulate, caring adult that you are considering your so very inadequate (being nice here) mother.

It is clear you are extremely talented.  It is clear there are a million published authors who are not talented.  So you probably already know it's not always about talent.  I am an artist and I see such horrible stuff passing....no PAYING....as art.

It then becomes clear, to me anyway, that the reason these people are making and selling work is that they THINK AND FEEL THAT THEY CAN.
Sounds easy, huh?   Well, I am right there with you, and I get completely, that it is up to me to make it happen.  Change your mind....change your life.  Long way from point a to b....but I am now finding it is a happy happy journey....I can't even believe how much fun it is to be figuring this life out.  Am I selling work big time right now? Nope...not yet... but I am teaching nights at my adult student's request.. (I didn't even go looking for this...) and have primed a ton of canvas getting ready for my summer teaching break... Yahoo.

The key lies in having fun.  Just write to have fun.  If I were to quit my day job, so to speak, I would then WORRY about making my living off my art work....and WORRY STOPS the flow....of anything (creativity, love, money....you name it).   So (and someone wisely suggested this already), just do your writing for enjoyment.  I, for one, can tell I would LOVE to read your stuff....probably your grocery list even, as your style comes through clearly and joyfully, even in your sad remembrances.

Anyway, here's to having FUN.  I have so much fun teaching my little group of adult friends each week....I am almost embarrassed that they pay me.  But they willingly pay me, because it is fun for them.  I would willingly pay you to read your work....because it would be enjoyable for me too.
Your enthusiasm is what will build and bring you what you desire. Oh, it helps to know what you desire....but it won't help if you try to figure out how it's all going to happen....that will lead to worry. It's all out of our control, anyway, except that intent part.  So have faith and have fun.
Mum

[Butterflying]

Mum wrote:
 

I, for one, can tell I would LOVE to read your stuff

Count me in Mum:D   I, too would love to read your stuff, Daylily.  Now you have at least two fans who are rooting for you.  I think you really, really have a special gift for writing.  You have a wonderful way of touching ppl's hearts with your words.  IMO,  you show your heart with your words.  I for one was deeply touched by your words to me on my desert rain post.  Don't forget us when you become a famous writer one day.  I'm definitely a big fan of yours

Butterfly

[d'smom]

hey daylily :}

just want to tell you, that throwing away your novel was one of the outright cruelest things ive ever heard. that was a horrible horrible thing to do.

I also want to tell you - that my mother was close to 50, she had just been divorced, my father had an affair and dumped her, took her children away from her, and left her with pretty much nothing..... she was almost 50, and she took up writing... which before, she had done only in her spare time. i know she didnt plan it. she wanted to be a mom.

but she was soon writing articles for magazines, and is now a contributing editor, to a pretty big magazine. she has a monthly column and gets fan mail. she is sent all over on assignment for them and does interviews and is a major contributor to the magazine.

she writes about her hobby, which is horses. when her horse was sick, people sent her presents from all over, and when she needed a new horse, people from all over the country wrote in personally offering to give her horses.  

shes not rich, but its her job. its how she supports herself now. keep putting it out there, if its what you enjoy. im sorry again about your novel. that was horriffic.

take care,
Anna