Progress down the drain

[Guest123]

I did it again.  I must be the most stupid, idiotic creature there is, a zero, a complete and total nothing.  I apologized for something I didn't do, just like I did over and over again when i was 5, 9 12 22, 32 etc. etc.   I took the blame, even though i did nothing, even though it wasn't my fault, and even though i have worked a year and a half to resolve this.  And I know it's because school is over, no new classes till fall, no distractions.  All my progress down the drain with a single phone call to someone who isn't related to me and shouldn't matter.  And I felt instant relief, and I hate myself feeling relief, and I've read over and over that you can't change the way you feel, you just have to feel it.  And this is so frustrating for me because if I can't change the way I feel, I'm doomed to be a loser.  What do you do when your heart tells you one thing and your head disagrees.  How do you become strong, secure, and healthy.

[Portia]

Hi Guest123

So you phoned someone and took the blame for something you didn’t do? (You actively owned up for something you didn’t do?)

And you felt relief – why – can you explain why you felt relieved? (I wouldn’t feel relieved if I had done that, so I don’t understand and would like to understand.) Please tell if you can.

[Guest 123]

I felt relief because it felt like the war would stop.  The rumors would stop.  The abuse would end.  It would be over.  The smear campaign would end.  The games would end.  And i knew she would continue until I apologized.  And i knew I would have to deal with this person in years to come.  And I knew her well enough to know an apology would end it.  And I know that narcisstic people believe the lies they spread because I watched my Mom accuse and define me for so long and she really believed that I said this or that or did this or that, so my pattern was to say ok your right I'm sorry and it would end.  With this situation I was so angry that I defended myself,  and continued to do so for a year and a half, until this weekend.

[bunny]

I've apologized a thousand times to placate others, and I still do it. However I've never had to apologize for really major things where rumors were being spread. That's really draggy. Can you *now* not see this person anymore? Will she leave you alone? I wouldn't say the progress is all down the drain, though. You made a decision to take care of yourself and this was what you thought would work. Nothing wrong with that.

bunny

[mum]

Guest 123.  It's ok.  The abuse will continue long after this apology in your bad feelings toward yourself.  You are doing it to yourself.
Give yourself a break.  We do things.  We do things that sound good at the time, and later sound dumb to us.  It is NOT a step back if you have learned something.  Maybe you were backed into a corner.  Maybe you made the best choice with the information you had at the time.  Maybe you could say: WOW that hurts a lot and breath it in and let it go after a while.
If you were unaware of how you feel about this THEN it would be a step back.  But you are aware, you are working through your feelings.
It is all for a very good reason.  Have faith that this will come to light some day, possibly soon.  And be compassionate with yourself.
You are learning.  Learning hurts sometimes.
((((((guest 123)))))))

[Guest123]

bunny - I won't see her much but in the future it's inevitable that I will see her again.  

mum - you are right, i am doing this to myself.  I need to stop.  That is one thing I have learned over the past year and a half.  Ways to make it stop.  I think progress could be made today if I take some tylenol and go to the Y.  Maybe running and swimming and thinking about my goals will help.

[write]

"three steps forward, two steps back".
But it's still progress.

Knowing what's going on and recognising your behaviour is a big step toward changing it.

Hope you're feeling better today.

[Debs]

Hi!

I have just found this site.  Have just found your message too.  
Just sent an email to an ex - apologising to him for the way I went at him because of the way he treated me (nothing like I am reading on this site though).
I found myself actually feeling worse because I needed some acknowledgment of my apology rather than feeling sad about finishing our relationship.  
How sad is that?
What actions have you taken to address this issue? If you or anyone else can point me in the direction of anything on this site - please do!
I hope that all is well and this bully leaves you alone.  Do you think they know they can get you to do this?  Control you and your emotions?  Can you ignore her?
All the best
Debs

[Guest123]

Thank you write, I am feeling better today.... trying to put it behind me and move on.

Debs...  I think they do know they can control you, in fact, I'm coming to the conclusion that things aren't really about what they say they are.  I think N's could care less about resolving any issues, it seems to me for them its all about power and control.  Progress for me is reminding myself that I'm not dealing with a rational person and any attempt to resolve issues with N's is futile, because they aren't interested in that.  My goal is to be unaffected by anything they say or do... much easier said than done... but maybe will get better with practice.