I have a question --

[jophil]

What would happen in a relationship if an NPD male hooked up with an HPD ( Histrionic PD) female  I know such a couple -they have been living together four months.. Utopia or Dystopia ??

[Anonymous]

Dystopia for everyone who had to deal with them as a couple.  

How are you finding your interactions to be with them?

Personally, I would steer clear of them.

Best wishes.
Mia

[bunny]

Who knows. You will be observing them so tell us!

bunny

[Anonymous]

Huge amounts of drama. Triangulation of friends into the drama. Lots of screaming and throwing things, either figuratively or literally. Lots of misunderstandings that didn't have to be.

Good idea to back away from them so that you are outside the blast radius of most of it. If they clutch at you or become enraged when you distance, that is a strong signal.

Drama is highly addictive, and it is very easy to become enmeshed in it without any awareness that this is what is happening to you.

Good luck Jophil. You deserve a good life and goodness in your friends.

[mum]

Scary stuff.  Scary.  Back away slowly.

[jophil]

Thanks to all of you who have replied - you comments confirm what I have been thinking.
Some background  - The HPD femme is my previous partner of six years.
We met in 1998 when I was ill. She did support me when I was recovering and we shared a house together until recently ( January 2005).
We did become romantically involved for a year but that ceased in late 2001. We shared a love of ballroom dance together. She fought her 23 year old daughter thru the Family Court for custody of T, a seven year old boy who is now 7years old . He lived with us( 2002-2005) and I was the only male in his life. I became very attached to him - I have no children of my own.
We had to move out of the house in February because the owner wanted to renovate and one night when I was out of town, HPD and the child T 'disappeared'. I assumed the they had gone to her mother's but subsequently found out that she had moved in with NPD who was also a dancer and a social contact. I have not seen T since because HPD just finds ways to prevent it . She recently has been calling my brother and my mother with invitations to bar-b-ques and lunch.
They see her for what she is and want no further contact with her as I do.
However I would like to see T and remain in his life . Is this possible?
I have no legal status in regard to visitation . I am really concerned for T's welfare in respect of his environment. HPD seems to regard him as her possession and does not see that he and I had a relationship which is not her's to control and use or discard ..
I appreciate your thoughts and comments ...Jophil

[bunny]

You can ask an attorney.

bunny

[d'smom]

HPD femme is my previous partner of six years.....

She fought her 23 year old daughter thru the Family Court for custody of T, a seven year old boy who is now 7years old .....

They see her for what she is and want no further contact with her as I do.
However I would like to see T and remain in his life . Is this possible?
I have no legal status in regard to visitation . I am really concerned for T's welfare in respect of his environment. HPD seems to regard him as her possession and does not see that he and I had a relationship which is not her's to control and use or discard ..

im sorry about your father and hope things get better. i should probably not butt in about this. but..... the fact she would 'fight' her own daughter in court should have been a warning sign imo......

its a shame you dont have any legal rights to see the boy. he's the loser in all this really, no mom no dad and now  a nutso grandma. sorry.  

one way to maintain contact is just drop a letter or little package in the mail every month or so, whatever you think he might enjoy. you could subscribe to a magazine he might like and he will get it every month.  kids like mail. he might be just as sad as you that he cant see you anymore. but - be consistent. he doesnt need more people in and out of his life all the time. it sounds like one thing this kid has in short supply is consistency in his life. you might like to see him - but really - hes a kid and its about his needs rigiht now rather than 'yours' sadly.

i too had a really overcontrolling father and a wimpy mom. it sucked. re your therapist - it helps me a lot to name things and understand what they are.

good luck
d'smom

[write]

She recently has been calling my brother and my mother with invitations to bar-b-ques and lunch.
They see her for what she is and want no further contact with her as I do.
However I would like to see T and remain in his life . Is this possible?


if you want contact with any child~ that is going to involve contact with the parent(s).

You can only be part of T's life if you accept the mother and her problems and behaviour as part of the package.

One of the biggest difficulties in dealing with difficult people is that we tend to dehumanize them, and be far more judgemental than we would with anyone else, because they've hurt or confused us.
She must have some good points or you wouldn't have become romantically involved with her.

If it were me and I loved the boy and really wanted to be part of a child's life- forever mind- children need people they can rely on who don't run out the moment it gets painful or unpleasant, then I would make some kind of relationship with the mother, accepting her limitations, and learning how to manage things as best I could.

Good luck.

[write]

I meant grandmother not mother

[jophil]

Write , I am not sure that what to do because I suspect that the HPD Grandmother will use T in some cruel game with me. I am not 'dehumanizing' her , but rather am mindful of her darkside of which I have firsthand experience.
Maybe it is not wise for me to re-connect with T all . He does not need to be caught up in a game of push-pull between HPD and me. He has had a life of adult games with him as prize, and maybe a connection with me will make a bad situation worse.
 The Grandmother(HPD) does not place any value on my relationship with him -how do i know this ? Because she has dis-connected him from me for four months after taking him away from his home when I was absent.
There were no legitimate reasons for her to do this. I am not violent, I do not drink alcohol or do drugs, I do nothave aggression issues -I do not even eat red meat. She took off to avoid telling me face to face that she and T were leaving. Cowardly and weak.
She is only concerned with her own needs and wants . Please don't tell me to look for the good points in her - I am aware of those as meagre as they are. I do acknowledge that I need to work with her IF I wish to see Tyson, but I do not see that I need to see her good points.
This woman has a trail of emotional wreckage behind her. She endlessly interfered in my life and tried to alienate my friends. If that was not working she then tried to recruit them to be 'her' friend and did so by starting gossip and rumors about me.
 I need some more time to open up all the options before I approach her.

[write]

maybe wait like you say.
Children can be a most effective tool of manipulation and an attachment to a child can hurt you both so much if it has to end.

It's good you're thinking it all through before you do anything.

Take care