Compulsive buying

[October]

My Nmum collects lots of tat.  I have told her in the past that she is a compulsive buyer, which she is.  I won't bore you with all the stuff she has collected over the years.  Suffice to say there is a lot of it, none of it worth a candle to me, because every bit of her energy goes into shoring up her identity with this stuff, and none into myself or my siblings, let alone the grandchildren.  It reminds me of the adage of knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.  

I have a fantasy about when she dies.  I will order a great big skip, and throw all the stuff out of the upstairs window into it, and hear the smashing sound.  Strangely enough, my older brother also made a 'put it all in a skip' comment about this stuff recently.  

On Wednesday I went round there and she and dad had bought a new computer, and she didn't want me to know (although the box was in the living room for everyone to see).  She told C not to tell me, and dad said the reason was that she told him I would say she is a compulsive buyer.  I laughed when he said this, and I said, I won't say that when you buy one computer.  I might say it when you get to 300.  In other words, it is true, but not in this case.  (In any case this was dad, not mum.  Dad is not anything like a compulsive buyer.)

(If I say that some of her other collections include items costing over £100 each and that she had over 700 of them several years ago, you might get the idea.  They are not rich people.  They live on pensions, but nobody knows what she spends on this tat.  Whatever it is, it is too much.  But she cannot not spend money on something, wherever she goes.)

This is what she does.  She takes things I say, files them away, and then uses them as half truths in another context to make me (and others) look unreasonable or accusatory.  What kind of person does this?  

However, she did not get what she was fishing for; a retraction of the comment, which she has remembered.         And which is true.

[Portia]

Hiya October, oh yes, I bet many of us know this behaviour. I do. But wait! Try thinking like I do. I intend not to hire a skip, but to get all the stuff, clean it up and take a lease on one of those charity-type shops and sell it all! Seriously. Some of it is worth it and I bet yours is too. Sounds too practical and mercenary? I’m not saying I could go through with it.  But I keep myself sane by thinking it. A bonfire is another alternative. Nope, what about pollution, I couldn’t do that…better to redistribute the stuff instead I guess. Maybe I’ll just give it to charity shops. Hmmm. But I know what you mean.

uses them as half truths in another context to make me (and others) look unreasonable or accusatory. What kind of person does this?

What kind of person…the kind of person who needs to file away all those comments to use them as defences. It’s not to attack you first and foremost, it’s to defend herself first.

Like all the stuff she buys, I guess it’s to reflect her ego because there’s not much inside there, there has to be an external display? Sad really. And such a waste of money. It’s frustrating seeing it happen.

Computers: I got a wee bit frustrated (but didn't let on) when mine bought her second PC because she wants to do her serious writing in another room and doesn’t want to move the first one…….but heck, it’s her money, she can do what she wants and if it keeps her happy….who am I to complain? Still slightly unsettling to me, Ms Frugal and cash-control-freak that I am!

You’re not alone with this one October P

[mudpuppy]

Hi portia and October,

What kind of person…the kind of person who needs to file away all those comments to use them as defences. It’s not to attack you first and foremost, it’s to defend herself first.

The problem is they defend themselves by attacking us, the very people closest to them.
So whether you call it a defense or an attack, the end result is still a good smart whack on some innocent's head.
At which point i become fairly unconcerned about the motive, especially since the motive appears to be unchangeable by any outside force, and they appear incapable or unwilling to change it themselves.

mudpup

[Portia]

I agree Mud, the effect can be the same whatever the motive. I guess one idea is to give them as little ammunition as possible? “Oh a second computer? What a good idea!” kind of thing.

And to try and not take it personally when they lash out, difficult though that is; by that I mean try not to be threatened by them, fleas that they can be. Or even hornets.

Sticking to our reality, to the facts - and checking those things with people we can trust – that helps I think.

As for the whack on the head, it depends on what it is and how we take it. If it’s serious, like stealing our money, murdering our pet etc……we’re going to be hurt and angry. Nothing wrong with being hurt and angry. But it’s pointless retaliating in their direction (unless it’s to reclaim the money say, through third parties and not by directly confronting them).

But if we’re hurt and angry because they say “you never think about me and me feelings! You’re always so selfish and inconsiderate!” we can ask ourselves and our trusted friends – is this true? And we can decide that no, it isn’t true and the N is living in some world of their own, where things like reality and truth don’t exist. That is their problem. If we know and believe that we do the best we can to be kind and considerate towards them, we can be secure in ourselves. We can trust ourselves. We don’t take it personally. We’re hurt, but realise that’s because we want to be loved and not hurt by them. They are incapable of loving us. It’s like wanting the stars to be red, it’s not going to happen.

If it hurts too much to be with them, we have to cut our losses and not be with them.

If we choose to be with them, we have to adjust our reactions to their barbs. Maybe we regard what they say as unimportant? It’s not fair, but we’re better equipped to manage any relationship than they are. We stop being victims and start looking after ourselves. Thing is, we’re not innocent if we continue to take their cr*p. Some people would just walk away from the stuff I’ve put with, so why did I do it? I wasn’t innocent, I was a part of the relationship. To protect ourselves we have to either remove ourselves from the relationship, or change the nature of the relationship – because sure as eggs is eggs, as you said: they won’t change. It is sad but that’s how I see it now...best, P

[Anonymous]

Hi Portia,

If it’s serious, like stealing our money, murdering our pet etc……we’re going to be hurt and angry.....But if we’re hurt and angry because they say “you never think about me and me feelings! You’re always so selfish and inconsiderate!” we can ask ourselves and our trusted friends – is this true?

For me, over the long term the second behavior is at least as serious as the first.
The first is appalling and shocking and forces us to make a decision.
The second is insidious and temporarily bearable, but in the end even more destructive because we can waste years, a lifetime,  trying to have a relationship of equals when we in fact are just a prop in somebody's sick little play.
I personally fall in the camp of 'cut them off'. However I'm not dealing with a parent who is an N so maybe I would feel differently if I was, but I very seriously doubt it.

Maybe its a gender thing?

Women say 'with enough mothering I can fix this'.

Men say 'to h*#ll with them. There must be a football game on.'
 

mud

[Anonymous]

Portia,

By the way, not to get too far off topic; did you know you are, I believe, the only person here to exceed one thousand official posts?

Did you get a ribbon or a door prize or anything?

mud

[Portia]

Hiya Mud, I don’t feel too good today, sore throat (look:   )and funny head so I give myself permission to spend way too much time here (instead of ‘doing things’) *sniff* *cough* don’t get too near to the screen!

second is insidious and temporarily bearable, but in the end even more destructive because we can waste years, a lifetime, trying to have a relationship of equals when we in fact are just a prop in somebody's sick little play

I agree. Hey it only took me 43 years! I can’t believe how I used to defend the people I lived with. I did though.

I personally fall in the camp of 'cut them off'

I do for those who are terribly abusive and do practically hurtful stuff – steal, lie, are violent etc. I guess if they were super-critical too I’d really limit my exposure, there’s only so much we can take before we throw it up. We’re only human and can expect too much of ourselves I think. I really like the word 'toxic'. Makes me think of people being like radioactive waste.

Maybe there is some gender thing to it? It makes sense – women being the nurturing types, ones to build and maintain relationships etc (thinking about our mothers October, they don’t fall into this category, we’re talking ‘normal’ women here). That’s our biological role after all. Hmmm. Good point.

Mud you’re not supposed to mention it  but since you have…..I like the idea of a ribbon , or maybe a certificate? – “1,000+ posts, must be the most emotionally-challenged member to visit the board”. How about you sign-in more often and catch me up? Thanks for the er….recognition, although I’m not sure it’s a good thing. Folks might think I know more than I do. Or less. Or that I’m a board-addict. Is it in the DSM? Could I get therapy for it?   have a good weekend both

(((((October))))) (((((Mud)))))

[Anonymous]

On the subject of tat and spending, I have a "friend" who is forever pushing presents on me. Her house is a nightmare of bricabrac and whatnot and I am austere to the point of asceticism. So all the doodah goes in the closet and eventually to the Sally Annes.

I finally told her that if she really wanted to give me something I would appreciate, she should give me nothing, because I am not a 'things' type of person; instead she could give me time, call me to find out how I am when she knows I've had a rough patch, etc.

You could have fried eggs on her head, she was so angry. Totally inappropriate anger. And it just went past me, I didn't feel anything at all in response except relief, strangely enough, and I actually thanked her for making her feelings on the subject so clear.

Because the gifts were never about me, were they? They were about her, they were about giving her an excuse to spend money, and I just put a spoke in that wheel.

One down, who knows how many to go? Maybe there will be room in my life eventually for people who do actually think about calling to find out how I am, etc.

[October]

Hiya October, oh yes, I bet many of us know this behaviour. I do. But wait! Try thinking like I do. I intend not to hire a skip, but to get all the stuff, clean it up and take a lease on one of those charity-type shops and sell it all! Seriously. Some of it is worth it and I bet yours is too. Sounds too practical and mercenary?

You’re not alone with this one October P

The only chance of this is with the SIL.  If she can bear to stick the stuff on Ebay, then fine.  I doubt if anyone would want to help her, though.  

A bonfire sounds a fine idea, though.  I could stick potatoes on it, and have a party.      

[October]

I agree Mud, the effect can be the same whatever the motive. I guess one idea is to give them as little ammunition as possible? “Oh a second computer? What a good idea!” kind of thing.

And to try and not take it personally when they lash out, difficult though that is; by that I mean try not to be threatened by them, fleas that they can be. Or even hornets.

Sticking to our reality, to the facts - and checking those things with people we can trust – that helps I think.

Can't remember who said it first, or the exact words, but something like people who tell the truth don't need such good memories.

It is never difficult to spot the make believe in what my mum says, not any more.  It is as if a great neon sign above her head lights up with an arrow pointing down, and the word LIAR!!!!! lit up for all to see.  It just amazes me that everyone else looks away, afraid to say anything, and it is only me who manages to say out loud what everyone else thinks.  Very very very funny, in a black kind of way.  If I could write down how this happens, and include the humour, it would make entertaining reading, perhaps.

But how much energy must it take to maintain their distorted world view?  It must be tremendous.  Enough in one day to light a small city for a year.

 

[Anonymous]

But how much energy must it take to maintain their distorted world view?  It must be tremendous.  Enough in one day to light a small city for a year.

That's why they are so-o-o-o-o-o draining to be around, isn't it.

October, if you like, you could rent a Sanisette and put it next to the skip, and play 'Skip to My Loo' while you're clearing things out.