Nmother - now in nursing home

[Lizzie]

Hi All -

Am writing as there is now more to my horror story. My Nmother was taken by ambulance after falling a week ago today. She stayed until Tuesday - they wanted to make sure she was stable before releasing her. The only thing they ended up doing for her was adding an aspirin a day! The nurse there said she would alternate between being charming and sweet to an absolute bitch. Typical N person, always nice to the people they think they can impress and lousy to the ones close to them. We brought her back to assisted living in our car - BIG mistake. She should have been brought back by wheelchair van or ambulance. We turned her soft couch around so she couldn't sit in it (the reason she fell). We took an upolstered desk chair that was firm for her to sit in. Well, we didn't like that, we didn't want to go to the dining room, we wanted to know who was going to dress her for bed, etc.. Now, my mother was fully capable of dressing herself, getting up out the chair, and using the bathroom by herself. After all the constant care she got in hospital (and attention) she wanted it all over again. She actually wanted us to stay with her until it was time for bed and this was 4:30! We had to leave to talk to the nurse about extended care for a few days. She pulled her silent act and gave me a look that was the worst I've ever seen. Hollow, silent, pure hatred. I never thought a mother could look at her own child with such contempt. On asking her if she was going to say goodbye, all she replied was "what's the point". At that we walked out.
The VNA was sending a nurse the next day (good thing)... first, she was nasty and verbally abusive to the aide in the morning who gives her, her medications. I guess she wanted her to wait on her and dress her - refusing to do it herself. She wet the bed - and then once dressed proceeded to wet the upholstered chair, and a soft chair and another one. She peed over everything. Of course, she can't stay there, it's not a nursing home. The VNA nurse called an ambulance and they took her back to the ER, in a holding pattern. After many, many phone calls they found a bed in a nursing home in our hometown. She'll be there for 20 days on Medicare for evaluation. I really doubt she'll be going back to A.L.
I don't want to see her - it does NOTHING for me, her abuse is awful. My stomach has a pit in it a mile wide.  I keep telling myself that I can only be accountable for her safety, not her emotional well being. She's never cared about mine. Once she could physically beat me, and when I reached my teen years, it's been mental abuse. God, now I am 51 and she still makes me physically ill.
We have to go up there again today to sign papers and go over me becoming her guardian. (We did talk to our lawyer yesterday).
My constant apprehension is people, saying "do you want to see your Mother?", "Why don't you want to see her?" She's so nice.
It's because I HATE her, you idiot!
Am in such a state. Please, anyone that has any comments or suggestions, please write. Will be seeing my shrink next week - but for now and the long weekend coming, I feel the need for some support.

[mudpuppy]

Why do you think you're having such a hard time detaching from someone who is such a monster?
Is it possible to put up an emotional wall and just make sure she's taken care of and try and cut her off emotionally.
It sounds like she is in your head, by which I mean she is controlling your thoughts and motivations even when she's not around.
Is it possible to concentrate on fun things and the good things in your life and do whatever you can to minimize contact with her?
For instance, it sounds like you are giving her far too much say in where she is or how she feels or how she is treating others.
Can you just tell her this is what you are willing to do for her and anymore is her responsibility?
Can you not be so concerned with how she treats staff? That is her responsiblilty.
If people ask you why you don't want to see her, can you just tell them its none of their concern if they aren't close to you, and maybe tell those who are close that she's a  grade A, first rate, A number one  b%$&*h?

Your commendable concern for her health and comfort does not extend to making yourself sick trying to take care of a lunatic.
Take care, especially of yourself.

mudpup

[mum]

Lizzie: I am so sorry for your situation with your mother.  How old is she?
My own mom is in a nursing home and I frequently see people like your mom....you can just about figure that if they are this nasty as elderly folks, they were probably just as nasty when younger.  It's so sad, because they may actually need the physical help, but who wants to deal with them, they are so caustic.
My mom is pretty sweet, but it is still hard (maybe in a different way) for my siblings who live there and see her every day, to leave her when she simply wants to sit and hold hands (which they do for hours).  They have to get on to thier busy lives and it's painful to leave her, I am sure.  Her physical and medical issues are so severe, that she must stay there.
On the other hand, when she is awake (not much now) she is mostly sweet and the people there love her and give her extra attention.
My brother has hired more of them to pull extra duty to sit with her as well.   Is your mom so nasty that no one would look forward to the extra pay? Is it something to consider?
I am sorry she is still getting to you..  I think Mud is right...perhaps visualize that she is safe and try to divorce yourself from her guilt inducing behavoirs.
(((((Lizzie))))))

[daylily as guest]

Lizzie,

You have my unconditional support and admiration.  This is very, very hard.  I've been in a similar situation.

"Detaching" is hard, I think, because we are brought up to love our mothers.  This isn't just true in the context of whatever self-serving lies our own mothers tell us; it permeates the culture.  The idea of the "happy family" headed by a "wonderful mother" is iconic.  We can't shake it, even if we never knew it, and so an open admission of, "No, that was never part of my life" sets us apart--not just from the mother, but from the idea of the mother, which often exercises more pull on our hearts.  In other words, not loving your mother feels like both a private and a public sin.  Not to mention that admitting it leaves you feeling completely alone.

I can only say that in my own life, it's been hard to see all these images of how things are "supposed" to be, or have been, and know that none of this applied to me.  As my mother's health fails, I am forced to give up the hope that anything will ever change.  It's simply too late.  And I have to come to terms with this while doing what I can to help her.  It's a tall order sometimes.

I would very much like to be a support for you.  Please feel free to PM me if you want.

Best,
daylily

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you. My mother did similar things, even including the same kind of hostile, deliberate incontinence. (How can they stand that? Brrh.)

Daylily's so right!! about family idolatry. It's really hard to swim against the tide when people want you to play along with that Ozzie-and-Harriet party line.

Hold on to what you know is true. You're the one who has to live it, not the people who want you to pretend everything's just ducky.

One thing to remember... a lot of folks aren't real comfortable with  unpleasant truths. When you are facing your unpleasant truths, it can kind of rub those folks' noses in the fact that they aren't facing theirs (whatever theirs may be!).

You won't know that, and they may not have any conscious awareness of it. But if you get hostile reactions when you speak your truth, this may be why.

It's difficult enough to stand up to an Nparent without that collateral drama on top of it. Good luck, I wish you strength and courage and peace.

[Anonymous]

Dear Daylily -

I know what you mean - I feel like I am disconnected.. no self esteem, little or self confidence. She did that to me and used to say, "why are you like like that, I gave you everthing".. oh boy!
I have friends who totally understand, friends who try to understand and the others can't fathom the situation at all. Those are the ones who lived the "Leave it Beaver" life with June in pearls in the kitchen.
When my mother was in the kitchen, she was scrubbing with Spic n' Span and grousing about how she had to do all the work. I used to sit on the front steps with temps below zero, hearing the vacuum cleaner going. I wouldn't dare go in until someone else came home.
Not a perfect life, by any means.

She will never change, and never accept me. I know that now, but still have trouble accepting that fact. It is a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that your own mother will only "love" you when it suits her.
Am content in knowing that I will have at least a month's peace - to go about my/our daily routine, especially this weekend, being a long one. We can do our own thing, go out for dinner, take a long ride, get an ice cream (or even a cocktail ) out, without the constant nagging of seeing the phone blinking when we walk in the door. A problem, a situation, will be handled by the nursinghome.

I think I will only be at peace when they open that door to the crematorium, and she slides in.

Done.

[Guest2]

"My constant apprehension is people, saying "do you want to see your Mother?", "Why don't you want to see her?" She's so nice.
It's because I HATE her, you idiot! "

I TOTALLY hear you.  My mom is well beloved among my few friends and acquaintances.  I have no one to talk to - they would not believe how my mom treated me growing up and still does.   Now they think I am the bad one. because my mother tells lies about me to them - that I threw her out of my house, that when she came to town to have surgery she "had nowhere to go" and had to stay with a friend, how I never listen to her (and my so-called friends lap up her every word), and how much about child-rearing she knows, since she was actually a mental health professional.  I heard and kept hearing about how wonderful she was when she was screaming at us and beating us at home.  The mental scars she inflicted on me and my sister will never be healed.   She called me a slut for being 10 minutes late home while giving unconditional love to a pregnant single teen.  

Ok I am going on about myself but I meant to support you in your frustration at having your mom play a totally different role, designed to make you the bad guy, in public.  My advice is, just ignore them.  They ought to know that no one knows what goes on inside a relationship and besides, it is none of their business.  Don't get mad, don't get even, just brush it aside.   What goes around comes around.

[Stormchild]

If it helps any.... I've noticed that

"Safe" people check the facts before believing anything told maliciously about someone who isn't there to defend themselves.

"Safe" people recognize malice quickly, don't enjoy it, and won't feed it.

They notice when the person telling the awful story about someone else really, really enjoys telling awful things about other people.

So, when someone maligns an absent party to them, they suspend judgement on the absent party, and make a mental note about the malice being exhibited by the PRESENT party.

"Safe" people also can tell the difference between a malicious person spreading malice, and an abused person telling the truth about something that has happened to them. They can see who is in pain and who is just enjoying stirring the pot.

There just aren't a whole lot of people around who have attained that level of maturity yet [or can maintain it all the time]. It takes a lot of growing up, and it definitely involves swimming against the cultural tide.

[Re that cultural tide: just ask yourself: how much reality TV rewards people for ***not*** being malicious, deceptive, etc.? How many soap operas tell long involved stories about bunches of people who love one another and are kind and thoughtful to one another and help one another through crises? Instead of portraying such people as patsies who are taken advantage of and hurt, for entertainment purposes? Right. See? We're up to our necks in this stuff...]

This is a long winded way of saying that anyone safe enough to be worth having in your life right now is going to realize that there's a lot more malice than fact in what your mother is saying about you.

Anyone who doesn't understand malice yet is going to blindly enable it, and her. They can't help it.

And anyone who does understand malice, and joins in it with enthusiasm, is being destructive, on purpose.

Not comforting stuff, but it does help you to see who is and isn't safe to be around. People can change, and grow, but they shouldn't always get to do it at your expense.

Edited to replace 'decent' with 'safe'; lots of people want and try to be decent but aren't emotionally safe for us because of denial, lack of awareness, etc.

[mum]

Wow, Stormy.  Great stuff.  You always get me thinking. Thank you.