Partner attraction to NPD

[jophil]

I am a male adult child of an NPD father. My intimite partners have not been N's , but they tend to be either Histrionic PD or generally controlling. In a sick way I am drawn to these women because they offer me an opportunity to recreate the conflict and competitive relational style that I grew up with.

However, I note that a lot of the women on this forum have XN's .
My question is this - what drew you to these men in the first instance?
Was it their legendary charm , or is it possible that women misinterpret their aggression as a manifestation of 'strength'. Is their vanity seen as self-confidence. Is their single-minded pursuits of their own wants seen as boldness and dogged persistence?

Anyone care to comment?
John.

[sleepyhead]

Hi there Jophil! I think most of us women who have had relationships with N's have had them for the same reason as you have had your relationship. To resolve the conflict.

But to answer your question more specifically, I was not drawn to N's because of their charm (they didn't have much) or their aggressiveness (didn't come out until a way into the relationship), my ex N's were ooohh sooo sensitive and they had had such bad experiences and woe them they were just poor hurt little creatures that needed my help so much... And of course I thought that I could help them and change them and all that crap... Seeing as children of N's are often over-emphatetical, being trained to put everyone else's need before our own, I think this is quite an effective "trick" for the N's to use...

After a while though I started to realize that they were only sensitive to their own problems and didn't give a shit if they hurt anyone else... Don't really know how I managed to get out of this vicious pattern, but after I broke up with my last N, seven years ago, the quality I put at the top of my list of "qualities I want in a partner" was the ability to laugh at himself, and wham! met a non straight away , a man who is caring, loving, willing to look at himself and see he is not perfect (that he is also the child of an n and has his issues because of that is a different matter, but still pretty interesting).  Hope I could clarify some things.

[Cadbury]

I was drawn by the charm. My ex promised me the world and I believed every word. I felt worshipped and adored. I feel utterly stupid now that it took me so long to see through all the crap. The things I put up with just for the good bits (that weren't that good now I come to think about it) make me feel sick to my stomach. The few close friends that I have told things about the relationship are horrified that I let it go on so long.

I don't know if it answers your question, but my ex was so good at making me feel like a princess that it took me almost 9 months to question all his bad points. Once I did I had the classic "narcissistic rage" in all its glory and then all the other classic symptoms of a narcissist scorned. Thankfully, he seems to be moving on now. Hopefully I have learnt what to look for and won't ever be taken in again.

[Bliz]

I had no idea the ex was an N.  I had known him many years ago and always thought there was something wrong but not sure what.  When we disconnected this time and I began learning about NPD it seemed to fit him.  I am not sure what drew me to him since it has been so long ago.  Maybe his looks at the time.  I think in some sick way they do fit a pattern from our youth as my Mom was most probaby N.  The biggest characteristic they shared was the scathign criticism they were capable of.  I knew in both of them it was always baout them and not me but they didnt make it any less annoying. That and the projection and me being an extension of them.

[Anonymous]

I was young and naive/stupid.  By no means was I experienced.  I think I was sucked in by his initial charm and even believed his "self-inflated" self.  He seemed so "together" and so very confident.  

There were flashes of his temper/rage during our courtship.  Unfortunately, I foolishly chose to ignore all the red flags. My bad.

His behavior worsened once we were married and escalated throughout those seven years.  13 years later.....he is at his worst.  I always thought that people mellowed with age but it doesn't appear to be the case with x N.

I'm thankful that I'm out of the marriage.  

Mia

[Brigid]

John,
I was drawn in by the charm, sense of humor and as sleepyhead said, the little boy that needed to be cared for.  He also came into my life at a very vulnerable point.  I had just ended a 7-year marriage to an n who was very controlling, and verbally abusive (married my father in that case).

The charm and sensitivity my 2nd H demonstrated felt very good at the time.  He never showed the rage of many n's, but manipulated through a great deal of lying and hiding.  It took my T explaining that my xH (2nd one) was an N or I never would have understood it.  Right up until the end, when all the truths starting emerging, I thought he was a good guy.  I can now look back on those 22 years and see where I had the blinders on, but I loved and trusted him so why would I not believe what he told me.

Therapy has been a Godsend for me to learn the whys and wherefores of my relationship.  It will also be what hopefully keeps me from ever making that mistake again.

Brigid

[Lara]

Hi Jophil and everyone,
Well, Cadbury's first paragraph above is true for me as well, almost word for word. More specifically, and without being conscious of the process, I was impressed by his beautiful manners, his apparently high level of intelligence, and ironically, his apparent sincerity. He also led me to believe that I had qualities which I didn't think I did have....dynamism, sexual attractiveness. And the fact that he seemed to want little old me so BADLY, with such intensity....well, I guess it was irresistible. In the early days as well, he WOULD put himself out and make an effort to be with me, to assure me that I could trust him, etc, etc. He seemed to have me on a pedestal. Nobody has ever made me feel so utterly fascinating! I didn't realise then what a high price I would be paying later on. He was totally convincing.

Of course now, I find all this embarrassing, and would only admit it to my trusted companions here. I have good friends  now who seem to seek me out and enjoy my company, but now there is always a voice telling me that they can't possibly find me interesting, fun, etc. This must be at least partly because the person I thought was my very closest friend and my biggest fan, ie the ex, was able to walk away when things no longer suited him. I guess the logic is that he couldn't have done that if I was such a great person.

Anyway, hope this helps with your question Jophil.

Have a good weekend,
Hugs everyone,
Lara.

[wildrain]

Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 9:10 pm    Post subject: Partner attraction to NPD
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I am a male adult child of an NPD father. My intimite partners have not been N's , but they tend to be either Histrionic PD or generally controlling. In a sick way I am drawn to these women because they offer me an opportunity to recreate the conflict and competitive relational style that I grew up with.

However, I note that a lot of the women on this forum have XN's .
My question is this - what drew you to these men in the first instance?

I would say it was the little boy that wanted love. Being as i was raised by an N mom I  always felt i had to ""take care of her"' which I did since i was about 7. I guess I felt if i could prove to him how much I loved him,he would return the favor. Needless to say that cant happen with an N. They are buckets with a leak and there never is "enough". (Though they cant GIVE you anything) My N b/f was not really all that charming.He was for awhile at first. Seemed so interreted in me then when i became interested in him he became horrible and weird and rude.Yet did not want to let me go (The fear of abandenment and of control) He can be charming with other women,not with those that are in a relationship with him (outsiders that do not know him) Its scary sometimes to watch him switch faces. Also I think the fact that he wanted to "'give me the world" (as in having a sucessful business together) also drew me in.
N's are draining and make you feel sick. I cant imagine why i stayed and am still in ,such a situation,though i am working daily to get out.
I think its all from my past. A mother that couldnt love and an abusive father.N's have no abilty to comunacate or to be able to relate to another human being. My Mother was the forever victim. My N b/f is the same way.
wildrain (N mother,N brother,N grandmother)

[mum]

Wow, the similarities here are amazing.
I got involved with the first N (the father of my children) after dumping the person who saw me for who I was and loved me beyond all others..
I was guilt ridden since childhood (Catholic) and because of circumstances and experiences, thought I was not deserving.
(I did not do any of this consiously, mind you.)

I dumped the perfect wonderful man, rather horribly I might add.....and went through a bit of promiscuity and then into the arms of the baby/bully I am now stuck with as the father of my children. I did not have a father like that, and was not prepared.  I believed he was a hurting soul (still is) and that I could love him to emotional health (still can't).  He has some deep issues related to an abusive father and codependent mother, and he drinks  and does everything (including hobbies, exercise) to excess.  Basically, I chose him because he hated me as much as I did.
 
If you want to compare ignoring red flag stories: on our first date, (a party) he was making out with another woman but convinced me I was seeing things....3 months later the woman spilled the beans (truth) and I still stayed with him!!! (oh, that was only the start of the cheating)

My second N was chosen as balm to an open wound.  After 13 years of being berated and criticized, he told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world (ok, that may be true ) He appeared to be literate, beautiful, creative and socially very acceptable (something I though made him completely "different" from my ex)...  and I bought the show, hook, line and sinker.  Turns out, he was ONLY the show.  Nothing more, had nothing more to offer, and was jealous of my kids.  I was arm candy and a nice lifestyle for another man with a deeply wounded inner child who drank too much.
He was the person I chose to continue hiding from myself with.  I didn't do the "work" I should have to get free of the reasons I chose the first one.

But let me tell you what I know now:  I believe that spiritually, I chose these experiences (or they were presented to me) because I needed to have this pain in my life so that I would find my power, my voice, my self love.   In this way, I see that I cannot hate my past, for it has taught me so much.

By the way, earlier "most wonderful man" came back into my life. Now I am ready for that love!  So, you see, it's all good, even the "bad".