Admitting My Codependence

[Stormchild]

For the last three weeks I have been thinking about codependence and the Karpman and Quinby triangles of interactions.

Although I have been struggling with codependent traits for a long time, I have realized that they are still terribly powerful in me.

I still tend to lock myself into a 'sage advisor' role, or allow myself to be subtly pushed and then pigeonholed there, since it is the only 'safe' role I was allowed to have as a child. I still hate that and feel helpless to alter it.

I still express myself inappropriately under stress, react with inappropriate anger when I feel unsupported, and withdraw too far when I feel attacked.

And I am far too critical of narcissists, and nowhere near critical enough of my own reactive patterns around anyone who seems the least bit N-ish to me. It's not wrong to see narcissists for what they are... but it doesn't help to stop there. I haven't moved far enough beyond that.

I know that as a result I have caused pain and confused or annoyed people here, and also have given too much advice on some occasions when it would have been better not to give any at all.

I honestly don't know what I will be doing now, how much I will be visiting here in the future. But having realized that I have been less healthy here than I would have liked (and hoped and thought I was being) I do want to apologize for any ill effects that has had on anyone else.

It's a paradox, in a way. I'm glad I see it now, but sorry I was doing it then. I need to learn a better way of approaching my life issues, and it's going to be hard, because my job and most of my interactions are very oriented towards rewarding the exact same unhealthy codependent stuff I need to stop doing. Wish me luck.

Bless you all, thank you all.

[mum]

((((((Stormy))))))
Your honesty is admirable.  Your depth is immeasurable.  I, for one, am glad to have "met" you.  I am certain with your amazing brain and indominable spirit, great things are happening for you.  Thanks for being a part of my life, however brief.
Luck has nothing to do with it.....you are creating this miracle.
with love,
Mum

[Portia]

(((((Stormchild))))). That’s a brave courageous post you made.

I wish you luck, lots, bundles of luck and love and goodness and finding people to be with, to share with.

I really hope you can visit this board.

I’ve been inappropriate here too. Yesssir! A wise friend said to me:

A mistake is not a person, it is an event.
A mistake is not a person, it is an event.
A mistake is not a person, it is an event.

Thanks for the apology Storm. I take some of it for me okay? Apology accepted as far as I’m concerned, all slates wiped clean. Please give yourself a break. You’re okay. We’re all okay. Stuff happens.

You sound to me like you’re going to try it alone? Please don’t be alone. Please come here if you wish, when you can, to chat, to tell us what you feel. Or to ask questions: did you feel like this? What helped you? – and so on. I don’t think I’ve experienced anything in my thinking and therapy here that has been unique to me. Someone has usually helped me by saying yes, I felt like that, don’t worry, it passes, or try this book, try seeing this way.

Right now I need advice on how to limit my squiffy pattern-recognition thinking. I’ve been doing a little of that - trying to stop it, but it’s still there, seeing stuff that doesn’t exist. Anyway. In progress.

Welcome back I hope.

[bunny]

Hi Storm,

I'm with everyone else, that was a very brave post. I will add that you're kind of hard on yourself, no one here is perfect. I would say that 100% of people have some codependency and the only thing I'd tell them is, "try to work on it." It's not the end of the world to realize that maybe you've been focusing outward and need to focus inward more. Heck, I realize that all the time about myself.

Please feel free to keep posting.

bunny

[Guest2]

Hi Storm,
I agree with you about the participation part of N relationships.  "THE Dance of Anger"  and the other dance books are so helpful in this.  The problem is that we learned as children that this is how to relate, period.  And now we do not know other ways to relate.  So it is up to us to relearn relationships, and that is not easy, since it is the first thing we learn in life, and everything else in our personalities is built on that.

But I do not think it is appropriate to blame the person who learned the wrong dances as a child. I would only say that if you do not try at all to change the way you relate, because we cannot change the ways other people relate, then you canot expect anything to change.

[sleepyhead]

Hi Stormy, I agree with the others here, none of us are perfect, but I feel that you have always been honest and well-intentioned. I know my advice to others have probably not always been the best, but hey, I'm not a therapist! I do try my best though, and that is all any of us can do...

I get what you mean though, I have been realizing just how much I project my mother onto others lately, and have also been trying to get away from my anger towards her. She can't help what she is, but I can try to change my response to her. It's very hard though, as I'm sure you know. Hang in there whichever way you chose to do things, but know that if you do leave the board, I will miss you.

[2cents]

Hey Stormy,

Hope you'll stick around. Was wondering where you'd got to really. I have no real great advice to give, but have always gotten a lot out of your posts. Best of luck with everything and take good care of yourself.

2cents

[dogbit]

Stormchild,

I guess I haven't read all your posts because the sense I have of you is not near to how you are describing yourself.  The posts I have read tell me you're very human and funny (remember asterisk syndrome )  By following this message board and posting when I think I have something to contribute is really helping me define and recognize the history of my co-dependence and work on not being an enabler or, in other words, a door mat for the next person I meet.  Working on myself is much, much harder than thinking about the stbxhusband and the now deceased Mom who I really don't have much feeling for anymore.  It's still pretty easy to beat up on myself but slowly, I am not doing that so much.  I hope you keep posting...Bittles

[Stormchild]

All I can say is thanks, everybody. You don't know how much I appreciate hearing this. It means a lot.

I'll be here, maybe not as much for awhile, I need to watch how I say what I say, and keep it constructive as much as I can. Not trying to be perfect. Trying to heal that bit of me.

Peace all,

[October]

I know that as a result I have caused pain and confused or annoyed people here, and also have given too much advice on some occasions when it would have been better not to give any at all.

Bless you all, thank you all.

You have a lot of insight, Stormy, but I think perhaps the above is not quite accurate.  As others have said, you have a lot to offer here, and I have noticed in particular where you have said before about hurting people, and I have looked closely to see where these wounded people are that you have left in your wake.  Strangely enough, I don't find them.

I am not sure that you have caused pain, Stormy.  Not as you see it.  (I am sure I have done far far worse!!     )  Is it possible that you are projecting your own pain onto us, and imagine that you are therefore making us hurt?  Perhaps you are the one who is hurting?  Maybe you are also the one who is confused and annoyed at times, I don't know.  If it is you who are hurt, not us, then you do not need to leave.  Your pain is allowed, and you are welcome to remain, whether laughing or crying.  Maybe a bit of both together.      

I would be very sorry to lose you from this board, but whatever you decide, whether to go or stay, I wish you well.  Pax vobiscum.

(((((((hugs)))))))

[mum]

Hey, Stormchild.  I have missed your great sense of humor on this board. I, for one, have totally blown it on this board, and elsewhere in life, and very much expect I will do that again.  Trying NOT to, of course, but I really like the people here, and have learned lots from what they say...in particular YOU!  You forgave me for being an idiot once, (or was that several times ?), and I am sure no one thinks too much about a well intended, intellegent person like yourself not being perfect on occassion.
We are all working on improving ourselves here, improving our relationships and you have really helped me do this.
Honestly, today I was happy to see your name in several places on the board.

[d'smom]

ive just missed you and thought you were brilliant and funny and i was hoping you were ok.

being critical comes with high standards and its good to have high standards but please dont be too hard on yourself.

we are all making emotional omelettes here and breaking eggs right and left. break a few eggs, throw them against the wall. i think nobody here holds it against you at all.   life is messy, we wil clean it up, we'll go on.

ive thought about you a lot.
anna

[Anonymous]

Hi Stormchild

I'm late coming in on this thread but I wanted to say, "It's great to see you!!"

I hope you will continue visiting this board.  I missed you!

((Storm))

Your friend,
Mia

[Stormchild]

Awwwwww jeeeeeeez. People, you're making me cry. But it's a good thing.

I'm afraid to say much more. Just I'm really grateful. Thank you.                

[mudpuppy]

Hey Stormy,

I just wanted to add my voice to the people here who have told you how much they have appreciated your insight and support in the past.
I also want to second the notion that you don't have to worry about making mistakes here. We all have.
I ought to know. I may have just set a new record for deleted posts.    

I really hope the responses to this thread show you not only how much value people put on you here, but how easily mistakes are forgiven and forgotten here as well.

What was that old song by the Hollies? Wasn't it something like "She ain't codependent, she's my sister"? Pretty close I think.

mudpup