Admitting My Codependence

[Brigid]

Stormy,
I echo the thoughts of the others and am so glad to see you back and posting.  I miss your clever quips and vast intelligence.  I even tried to pass myself off as being as bright as you are once--didn't work so well.    Since I haven't made any mistakes yet this year (or is that this hour) I don't have anything to apologize for or feel badly about.    

I think we still have some dinner table discussions left in us.  Please stick around and add your 2 cents--Euros--pence, whatever.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Bliz]

Hi Stormy
Much of what your original post said rang true for me.  It is easy for me to get locked into the sage role and I am trying to deal with my codependent traits also.  

I have had years of good therapy and it is amazing to me that it still is so difficult to break those patterns of behavior on a daily basis.  A good start for me was to go down the path of really feeling my emotions in my body as they arise.  That means not intellectualizing my feelings but actually feeling them.  It is based on David Berenson's map of emotions.  THe map is divided into spaces, emotions and moods. The theory is if you allow yourself to actually feel the emoitons as they occur in your body you will stay with the emotions and ultimately move to the spaces, sort of a neutral area.  If we deny the feelings you drop to the moods like self pity, blame, martyr etc..  

Owning our feelings and experiencing them, even the ones we are not comfortable with, has been very powerful for me.  That and joining a group therapy type situation with other women who have codependent traits.  WE try to keep ourselves real and grounded in the emotions as we go through our daily lives.  Even after all the book reading, therapy, etc., I still find it can be difficult to rememebr the advice when under stress.  Our habits are so ingrained.

I can email you the map of emoitons if you send your email address.

[dogbit]

Well,one more thought.  If you have the courage to come back here and admit what you think are your weaknesses,,then I do too!  And I don't think they are weaknesses.  I think you are just being genuine.  Which gives me the courage to be genuine also....Take care...

[wildrain]

Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 4:01 am    Post subject: Admitting My Codependence
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For the last three weeks I have been thinking about codependence and the Karpman and Quinby triangles of interactions.

Although I have been struggling with codependent traits for a long time, I have realized that they are still terribly powerful in me.

I still tend to lock myself into a 'sage advisor' role, or allow myself to be subtly pushed and then pigeonholed there, since it is the only 'safe' role I was allowed to have as a child. I still hate that and feel helpless to alter it.

I still express myself inappropriately under stress, react with inappropriate anger when I feel unsupported, and withdraw too far when I feel attacked.

And I am far too critical of narcissists, and nowhere near critical enough of my own reactive patterns around anyone who seems the least bit N-ish to me. It's not wrong to see narcissists for what they are... but it doesn't help to stop there. I haven't moved far enough beyond that.

You seemed to be discribing me here!
All my life I was "sage advisor" Im  sick of it in myself,but eveyone does seem to come to me for advice and it is the safe place I always fall into. All my life I took care of my mother (a classic N) I am caught in a terrible N relationship. I feel that whatever you have to say can be helpful. Perhaps to one person or to many. I too can be far too picky but perhaps its because i have been picked apart all my life.  I am always having to defend myself.
Dont be hard on yourself. You have come to face yourself and you have become aware. So few ever reach that point. Myself am struggling with co dependence and feeling that i Must "perform" to be loved and to be thought of as valued. i hope you keep posting. We all have something to say and for a reason.
wildrain-

[daylily]

And I am far too critical of narcissists, and nowhere near critical enough of my own reactive patterns around anyone who seems the least bit N-ish to me. It's not wrong to see narcissists for what they are... but it doesn't help to stop there. I haven't moved far enough beyond that.

I know that as a result I have caused pain and confused or annoyed people here, and also have given too much advice on some occasions when it would have been better not to give any at all.

I don't know you very well, Stormchild, but I just wanted to say that it might help to give yourself a break.  I know you're under tremendous stress right now, and this may not be the best time in your life to evaluate your behavior or withdraw from a supportive environment.  Just my thoughts, of course, but on reading over your original post, it struck me that you are being very hard on yourself.

Not that self-evaluation doesn't have a role.  Of course it does--here, in one's career, out in the "real world," everywhere.  But I've found in my own life that there's a fine line between accurate self-assessment and a more sophisticated way of falling into my old, old trap of "Everything is my fault."  Isn't the point to recognize one's behavior, modify it accordingly, and grow where necessary without withdrawing from or destroying valuable relationships?

Obviously, people here who have gotten to know you, value you--your insight, your wit, your intelligence, your contribution.  That's something; it's a lot.  If we wait until our reactions/behavior/engagement are perfectly tuned, will we ever allow anybody to know us?

I'm sorry if this seems like sticking my (rather large) nose where it doesn't belong.  I just wanted to say that I hope you remember to be as kind to, and understanding of, yourself as you obviously have been regarding others.

Wishing you peace,
daylily

[longtire]

Hi Stormchild!  Everyone else has already beat me here and said great things that I can only ditto.

Don't you think it is awfully co-dependent to protect us from your co-dependent "mistakes" by leaving?  I say that as one recovering (every day in the AA sense) co-dependent to another.  I can't think of a better place than here to come and practice and make mistakes and offend people and find out how to work it out well for everyone.

In case it isn't clear, I would like you to stay here as well.  Post whatever you want.  Haven't you seen my "blog" of daily happenings.  If people can tolerate that, I think they will be thrilled to have you here!  Even at the risk of another outbreak of "asterisk fever."

[Anonymous]

Stormchild,

Personally I believe this is a very appropriate place for you to visit and interact with others.  I think we all at times can act/react "inappropriately", after all we are human.  I think as long as someone is able to recognize when they do this after a short while and when they get feedback that there is not a major problem.  I tend to be a perfectionist some, so a loooong time ago I decided I was going to be perfectly imperfect ... which is what I am anyways ...

I think this place may make you a bit uncomfortable, I could be wrong here so ignore what I am about to say if it doesn't "fit".  It seems to me that this is a place where you can help and also be helped yourself.  I think that makes you feel uncomfortable.  I think that you feel comfortable giving help, but not comfortable needing or being given help.  If I'm correct here than I think the healthiest thing you could do for yourself is stick around.

Conflict is not always a bad thing.  It's unresolved conflict that I think leads to real problems.  Resolving conflict is part of what life is about.  And you know what Stormy, people just are not perfect and that's OK.  You don't have to be perfect either.  I think though that it is important to look for the silver lining in problems that we experience.  Life is a strange thing, we can resist it or we can embrace it and LIVE.

LM

[Anonymous]

Hiya Stormy:

Sorry I'm so late posting here.  I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the threads (and I'll probably miss responding to people who post back after I post..   ).  

Just want to add my voice to those that have said please stay and speak.  I love your good sense and quick witt and whether you realize it or not, you are greatly valued here and would be very much missed, if you left.

So please don't.  Please keep speaking and if it doesn't come out right all the time, or if you have regrets...it's only because you're not perfect, just the way we like you.

You do look back, re-examine, second guess, re-evaluate stuff and seem to try to correct whatever doesn't sit right with you, in a very humble way.  What more can any person do?

((((((Stormy)))))

GFN

[Stormchild]

Thanks -- again -- is all I can say.