Please let me say that when I read your post I really loved you. I loved your extremely intimate and personal raw honesty. I think you are a true human being.
Thank you. Of course I have trouble believing your kind words, but that is my problem. Who could love me?
Who are you really angry at? What happened?
Good question. I know that I am angry and about what, but I cannot make a connection between that and what was happening at the moment I boiled over. Maybe there is some incident in my past that I cannot remember. In general, I am angry at my mother for not protecting and supporting me, and for not loving me unconditionally. At my father and grandmothers for not loving me and not even trying to hide it, at previous love relationships for screwing me over, at myself for being too submissive (past) and too aggressive (current solution to problems). At my husband for not loving all of me (he says he loves 60% of me and the rest he wishes would disappear) and pressuring me into marriage when I was depressed. And for making me hide myself, the part that he cannot deal with.
I am grateful to my grandfather, who loved and supported me unconditionally. He died when I was 14, but I still grieve him. I am grateful to the neighbors who fed me when there was no food at home and where I witnessed happy families in action. I am grateful to my high school english teacher who let me tell her I had been raped and cry and kept her word not to tell anyone.
What would you like to right?
Most of them are dead. I have given up on my mom. But maybe my sister will live long enough to have a real relationship with me. My husband is younger than my sister but I am not sure we will live long enough to have a real relationship.
The main thing I want to do is stop the cycle and send my kids out with a healthy family history so we will not be seeing them posting on any board like this! No offense, since this board is saving my life. But I want them not to have such awful things to heal.
I've already worked out that you don't want to hurt anybody. And least of all your kids. Give them big hugs and loving and everthing will be alright.
No it won't. Unless I fix it. I have been hoping they will not be too scarred but I think I had better be more active. If I really don't want to hurt anyone, I can't sit back and let it deteriorate.
It sounds like you have hubby issues. Is he okay with you? Is he faithful? Is he understanding and helpful?
I don't know if he is faithful. Probably, but he is so hard to read, and he does not think that telling the truth all the time is important. He travels and has opportunities. And I found things on his computer where he has downloaded sexy pix from escort services in cities where he travels. Before that, he had said he never masturbates or looks at porn, I found that hard to believe, especially given our lack of sex life. I don't know why he lied about it, because I was ok with it, I just want to know the truth. He claims he got the pictures from those services because it made it easier to imagine, since he travels to those cities. Do I look stupid to you?
When I talk to him, half the time he does not say anything back, not even uh-huh, or make eye contact. This was so maddening that I have all but stopped talking to him, and I think he likes it that way. I felt like he was just using my need to communicate, to get at me and make me angry so I would be unhappy and explode, then I would once again be the bad one. I think he has issues and somewhere deep underneath his thick leather hide he knows it, but as long as I am worse, he won't have to deal with himself.
You have no personal support network? That isn't good.
Yes. Sigh. This is when you need an old friend. They are all gone now since I was married. Before, I had friends for years and years, even though I moved around a lot.
I'm worrying for you, and hoping you're okay.
I'm ok for now. I just need to keep telling my story, and doing something to untangle the mess. It does feel a relief after the storm, I just have to use this time constructively before the pressure builds up again. I cannot believe what I did. If you guys pray out there, pray for us.
