Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I am in need of divorce tips, suggestions, etc.. Please.
hope2003:
The reason your NH made you feel duplicitous is that N's are masters.
I am sure that you can find your divorce support group right here or with another on line forum. As you know, I am getting divorced. I know that there are others out there that have divorced a N, and you have already seen that those who haven't divorced a N still have an understanding of the dynamic.
annabelle:
Acappella,
Congratulations on your decision. I don't have experience divorcing an N (yet), but am starting the process by moving out in 3 weeks - I just secretly signed a lease for my own place, to move with the kids. I'm not filing for divorce immediately bc I want to file in the state I'm moving to, so I don't have to be stuck in the state I'm in currently. You must be a resident in the state I'm moving to, for either 6 months or 1 year - I have to look it up again. Anyway here are steps I've found helpful and empowering and safe................
1. Make the decision to leave.
2. Tell family or friends.
- this one is very tough, as you need to know the decision was YOUR decision, and as people have written, friends and family can be pushy, lack full understanding, etc. And, you, only you, will be living with the consequences and new life from your decision. Part of empowering yourself is to make the decision on your own. Researching on the net, in books, and here on this wonderful message board, helped me make the decision more than talking to friends or family.
3. Accept help readily (once you tell family or friends).
This is so hard, often - especially bc it can be embarrassing with regard to what you put up with for years (it can feel embarrassing to you, but HE'S the one who should be embarrassed, not you - easy to tell this to someone else, but difficult to follow) I was very reluctant to tell my family, as they never liked my husband (gee, maybe they saw his behavior from the get-go and love me?!) But, they have been soooooooooo gracious and helpful without being judgmental - i.e. everytime I tell my parents why didn't I see, etc. they say, "the past doesn't matter, just the future." Ask for help. Accept it. You are not weak, just rich with resources and lucky.
4. Talk to an attorney who specializes in family-law. You don't have to hire one, just make an appointment for an initial consultation - even a consultation over the phone. You need to know how the steps you take in your escape plan will affect your future rights, etc. Again, I've found this difficult to do, bc I never thought I would be someone who would be talking to a divorce lawyer (but as my parents insist, it's not degrading or humilitating, it's smart and practical - and it's so much the norm these days.) So pick up the phone! If you don't want your husband seeing the phone number for an attorney on the phone bill, use a friend or family member's calling card, or a pay phone.
5. Think of yourself first! (What, am I speaking a foreign tongue?) We're so unused to doing this, as the opposite is the norm in our N-relationships. But once you start thinking of yourself, keep it up. I've experienced so much guilt with my decision - about hurting him, etc. but I have to keep reminding myself it's him or me (and my kids).
6. Last, but not least, come up with an exit plan without consulting him - have a complete plan, then tell him when it's a done deal that you'll execute it, or tell him once you're out the door.
Good luck, Accapella, stay strong!
Annabelle
Alan:
http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html
In my divorce, I am following his suggestions. We all know most Ns cannot be trusted.
And definitely get representation.
seeker:
Hi Acappella,
I wish our list of "emoticons" had a little happy face that blushed...I'm glad you are receiving helpful posts.
It may depend on where one lives if groups are "out of style". They might be because people feel they are getting support on the Internet. But our local paper lists a group for just about every issue you can think of! My thought was that you could find a new buddy to just be with you as you gather your resources. Anyway, it sounds as though you are rallying your resources as they appear. You go, girl!
--- Quote ---Why do I let his lack of sensitivity lead me to feel duplicitous about myself? I instantly felt like a fraud. My reaction is to run like a damned gerbal on one of the wheels until I die just to "prove" I am worthy of love
--- End quote ---
I'll bet everyone on the board identified with this jewel of a quote. Ack! "Duplicitous" is a pretty loaded word to lay on your self. Of course you will act differently in a safe place with safe people than in an unsafe place with unsafe people. You are not different, the situation is. His comment isn't a reflection on your integrity, it's an attack on your integrity. The next time a comment like that comes flying at you, just give it a good bash with your invisible baseball bat.
No one has the right to ask/force you to take drugs, have sex, break the law, color your hair, spend money you don't have, get a boob job, jump off a cliff, hold a lighter to your arm, etc etc to prove your love and/or make yourself "worthy" of another. The N in my life is a master of "IF you love me/us/whoever, you'll do what I want." This isn't love, it's power. A mutual loving relationship is a win/win deal.
Anyway, you wanted help with logistics. I was hoping some women's groups might be able to help with protecting your finances and cleaning up your credit, since I imagine many of the people they help may not have ever had credit before in their lives, etc, in addition to the pointers that are coming through other posts now. One site I visited about abuse actually listed financial abuse among other varieties! :shock:
Thank you for the film recommendation :) I'll try to find it. Also, since we exchanged thoughts about religion, you might like a little book called 7 Paths to God by Joan Borysenko when you have a quiet moment (later! :? ) Just the introduction alone is terrific. "God doesn't mind if you come by land or sea, by foot or train, by the appreciation of beauty, or the dedication of your life to others." It's great at recognizing how spirituality works for/in different personality types. I am drawing a distinction between spirituality and religion/dogma here. I understand your earlier comments and feel pretty much the same way.
May the Force be with you! :wink: S.
Acappella:
Hi Seeker,
--- Quote ---A mutual loving relationship is a win/win deal.
--- End quote ---
Bingo.
I need to get that win/win feeling more so I know intimately what I am aiming at and so I am less starved for the win/loose crumbs I currently subside on.
That makes a lot of sense ..what you said about the internet possibly effecting local in-person groups. Sittin here typing my self silly and wondering where'd every body go? :shock: :D
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll check it out.
Hi Annabelle,
thank you for your good tips.
I asked you in another post if you were seeking professional input regarding getting divorced/leaving with the kids and I see here in your post that it sounds like you are. Good.
In addition to the Nolo book recommended here I am going to look again for other groups/support where I live though I didn't find anything during my first search.
As for your 6th point - I goofed this up. I agree with your advice more than ever now. I was starting to do that here on this forum. I am very frustrated and sad that my husband has apparently read my postings....he admitted to doing so just a couple of days ago. I don't bug his phone conversations with his family nor his therapy sessions while he was in them! Moreover I have been up front with him anyway. I am only wanting this degree of privacy in response to his not being open. His rules...the very game I am working to get out of. He never came to me and asked any questions of me yet he said he started poking around because he thought I was acting strange. His story didn't make any sense when I asked what was strange about my behavior. Moreover, is he suggesting I was acting sooooo strange that he couldn't ask me what was up directly? Ok, this tirade is pointless other that to say I am annoyed that I was so nieve as to be even slightly open with him about posting on a forum for support (was that nieve months ago not recently - recently I was covering my tracks better) and I am sad as I was really looking forward to getting support here and now I feel I have no privacy from him here. He doesn't even get that the only reason I need this privacy is because he refuses/cannot be open about himself. Arrg.
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