Hi Dazza and all,
Thanks for starting this thread, Dazza, and sharing your story here. I am pretty new myself and I have just started to bounce around and read some other threads. A little at a time.
Wow, I can really relate to all that you said. I actually about fell off my chair. Probably not unlike many others here, too. I had a completely N. family. It was never made logical sense to me that my siblings were N.'s too. I always questioned myself because of that.
Isn't it supposed to be that children got abused and then the children were the victims. Why weren't my siblings like me?! Sad, alone, scared, hurt, etc. No, they took the other route and followed in Mom and Dad's footsteps, little marching N's.
So I ALWAYS doubted myself and beat myself up for being SO different, which is EXACTLY what those bleeping N.'s wanted. Poking, prodding, humiliating me for just waking up in the morning. And yes, to this day stalking me to change my mind about how it was and what really happened. PLEASE! I didn't need to say a word... they HATED me. From the moment my foot touched the floor till my head hit the pillow they taunted me.
And what has been my nemesis my whole life... WHY DID THEY HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!?! The only mantra I said in my head over and over was, "I just want to be left alone today. Is that too much to ask!" Obviously it was! As you guys said it so clearly...They hated me for being. Honest, true, caring! Imagine that! A human being who is honest, true and caring. kill her, kill her, kill her, threat, threat, threat!!! How dare those as*#^$&@#s!!!!!!!
Years ago it did click about why they hated me. But as I said, the sibling thing ALWAYS threw me for a loop. How and why would they be a part of the jeering too! That really hurt. And made me feel so WEIRD. So betrayed and belittled. No safe haven, no where to turn. Yuck! One little person surrounded by enemy troops, so much anger, rage, hate. I am really shocked any of us got out... And I know that some of us didn't. That is hard, so sad to think about.
This is quite a lightbulb moment for me to see the whole whistle blower thing so clearly laid out by you all, that it is has a label and there is actually documented information on it, I can't wait to go to these site's you all posted, (thanks Stormchild and Mudpup!!!!!!!!!). I LOVE this site and the feeling of being with kindred souls(quite different from childhood, YAY!!!!!)
GEEZ... it has been a long lonely road. And yes, I have had those therapists too!!! Thank goodness we had the self-trust to eventually run, pissed off!!!!
Mudpud, I just have to say again. Your posts are just so smack on with what is real, true, and good. And you are hilarious!! I find myself laughing out loud and crying out loud at the same time, because you are so dead on and so certain about how WRONG and full of sh#% these N's are!!!! I love the idea of the two N's battling it out!!!!! They can all have each other and get off tearing at each other for lifetimes.
Keep going Dazza. You have added to greatly to my healing and my life by sharing your experience and insights!
Menow