What is she

[what is she]

I think that I know what is going on but I am not sure.  My brain hurts and I want it to stop.  I think my ex girlfriend is either N or a commitment phobic, or maybe both.  Please give feedback if you can.  

We started out the relationship nice and slow, and it picked up steam after a while.  I met her through a mutual friend, and he did say she was breaking up with her boyfriend and that was just going through the motions.  Making it a slow breakup.  We hung out for about a month before we started dating on a regular basis.  Awsome, take it slow and lets see what happens.  After a while, it became close and felt real comfortable.  Having fun, and a nice relationship.  After about 3 months of dating, we were haveing a drink and she said that she thought she had a real big problem.  I thought this girl has her shit together, it can not be that big.  She said, "I can not see myself with the same person the rest of my life".  Stomach dropped and I let it go.  After a week of it bothering me I approached her and discussed it.  She said that her parents are not real close and that her mom actually told her that she never really love her dad and just married him because he was a nice guy, all her friends were getting divorces and it just seems like a scarry world out there.  Yet it through up some red flags, but was it that bad.  

As thing were real good and progressing, I felt her start to pull back.  It was after we had our commitment talk about really being committed to eachother.  This was after 6 months and I (male) had to bring it up.  Once we had the talk, it all went down hill.  To the point of her sitting on the couch with crazy anxiety saying "I feel there is so much more out there for me, I feel nieve and that I have not experienced enough yet,  My career, I just want to run away".    Well 3 days later she broke up with me and said she wanted to be friends.  How confusing it was for me!!!!!
2 months of hanging out and 8 months of real dating.

It always seemed like she had walls up, but would only through me crumbs to keep me around.  Never met her mom, and only met her dad once.  That seemed weird.  When I wanted her around my family, she was no were to be found.  

6 weeks after our break up, she showed up with another guy where she knew I would be.  What a heartless freak.  Nothing like throwing it in my face.  Have not heard from her since.  She would not even acknowledge me when I saw her with this new dude.  She did tell me when we broke up that she does not have it to give me, and that she just needed to be alone.  She also said that she did not have it to give to her last boyfriend either and that is why they broke up.  So much for being alone.  It just seems like it was all lies.  Just when it was about to get real good, it all fell apart.  She was probley seeing this guy before we broke up.

She does have major issues with her mom and they are always fighting.  I think she has a Nmother.  Her mom was very strict and made all the dicisions for her and her brother.

She wants all the nice things in life, Cars($70,000), everything.  She also seems to find her way around celebrities.  Gets hit on and propositioned by her CEO of a major company.  Wants fake boobs when hers are gourgous, talks about never getting hit on.

Probly rambled on too much, but lets see what you think.

[Guest2]

I think that I know what is going on but I am not sure. My brain hurts and I want it to stop.

Maybe just let your brain realize what it already knows.
This woman did you a favor by letting you go.

[Dazza]

You have my sincere condolensces for the roller-coaster ride you've been on. My advice is to listen to the the little man inside - he knows all.

You've done a good job of examining your ex's behavior. It clearly doesn't sit well with you, so ask yourself: Is this something you really want to deal with for the rest of your life? If so, ask why?

N's thrive on drama, and people like us are left to deal with it and (in some cases) are told to believe that it is normal behavior.  Sorry, it isn't.

I believe that N's get a rush from going up and down, like showing off a new guy to you.

You also might want to consider writing about how you feel in a journal. It can really help.

Good luck.

[Brigid]

Guest,
From your description, I couldn't say for sure that this woman was an n, but she certainly has commitment issues and cannot be mature in her treatment of relationships.  She was sending up major red flags from early on.  She seems somewhat more self-aware than most n personalities, and admitted that she didn't see herself with one person for a lifetime.

Be happy that she ended it and you are free to move on.  Spend some time looking into yourself to determine why you didn't "hear" what she was telling you and kept hoping you could change her.  It is a problem many of us have here and what really needs fixing.

I wish you well.

Brigid

[mum]

What is she?
Well, seriously, it doesn't matter.  I'd call her a selfish B****.  Hard to do....but move on.  She is admittedly addicted to drama, the rush of a new man, etc etc.  It hurts, I know, and I am sorry.

After a while in this muck of pain, you will probably decide it's a waste of energy trying to figure her out. But hang out where it hurts for a while...you will learn a lot.

It will eventually prove more productive to figure yourself out.  (and way more interesting, from what she sounds like).
Spend time there....spend time in your head thinking about what you want out of life, out of a partner, than on what you don't want (that girl).

You'll be ok.  You have way more going for yourself simply by questioning your experience than she will ever have...poor thing, hating herself into a boob job, etc.  Yuck.  Even though she is damaged, take her own hint.....and don't bother trying to "fix" her.  She doesn't want it, and it can't be done.  
Consider yourself lucky not to be a part of that anymore.

[None]

"What" she is truthfully is a human being in pain. Contrary to ideas recklessly promoted here and elsewhere her pain is not all that much different from yours. You'll find healing not in looking to blame her for her pain, but in facing your own inner pain and beginning a process of forgiving yourself for mistakes you have made, and later forgiving others for the mistakes they have made. No label, NPD or "Voicelessness" tells you what's really happening inside a person. The only one who can know is that person themself. You'll find once you begin to forgive yourself and heal the wounds inside you there'll be less need for placing blame on others and you'll feel better physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Take care  

[d'smom]

"What" she is truthfully is a human being in pain. Contrary to ideas recklessly promoted here and elsewhere her pain is not all that much different from yours.

ok.... i have only seen 2 posts from you and they are already irritating me.  your logic is totally flawed. yes we could say that hitler was a person in great pain and this was true. many who caused great destruction were obviusly operating out of personal pain, that goes without saying. how else could it be. we all know this. people who choose to hurt others, are obviously in pain.

now, where your logic departs from reality is here: how much pain is someone allowed to be in before it becomes 'not ok' for them to spew that pain all over innocent bystanders? where is the part where THEY take responsibility for THEIR pain instead of putting it onto innocent people who have nothing to do with all their precious 'personal pain'?

No label, NPD or "Voicelessness" tells you what's really happening inside a person. The only one who can know is that person themself.

hey, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, smells like a duck, sometimes, its a duck.

i havent seen anyone here labeling anyone in a way ive seen as bigoted or pejorative. what i have seen is people defining others by their ACTIONS and CHOICES and the way they act and treat others, and the damage they do all around them, which is considerable, and for which those responsible almost -never- choose to take responsibility and in fact almost universally blame the victim. what in the world would you have us, as victims, do differently?

You'll find once you begin to forgive yourself and heal the wounds inside you there'll be less need for placing blame on others and you'll feel better physically, emotionally and spiritually.

i find this extremely condescending and you sound like an apologist for abusers. what do we need to forgive ourselves for? only being in many cases too nice people, too willing to give others a break, because of all this special, precious pain they are in, and these people like black holes just suck and suck an suck until there is nothing left of us, while never taking any responsibility for anything they do, and blaming us the whole time. yeah, great dynamic there. no thanks!

d's mom

[Anonymous]

Welcome what is she,

This isn't about her. It's about going into denial about red flags and proceeding despite them. Hey, I've been there. Are you in therapy? It can really help you understand what happened here, help to mourn the loss of this dream, and be more self-protective.

take care,
bunny

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

None,

Please see my response to your post, "Questions for Dr. Grossman."  It applies to your comment here as well.

Richard

[what is she]

I know what is going on.  It just sucks a lot.  You find a women who fits all of the criteria one looks for, and come to find out, its not at all what I am looking for.  I am in therapy and getting places real fast.  Of course its all about the mother in my life and taking care of her emothinally at a very young age.  Its about not abandoning the women in my life.  For heavens sake, I could never aboundon my mother.  Unfortunatly, I will stick around too long in some realationships that I know I should not be in.  At one time in my life, I would see the first red flag and bail like no tommorow.  After I graduated from college and started looking at my relationships, I tried to be more understanding and its almost like I've done a 180 into the opposite direction as far as boundaries and beliefs.  I just feel like I was a doormat and should have gotton out a long time ago, before I felt like a chump and not wanted by a women that seems to have so much of her life in order.  I have been told by one of her friends that also dated her brother, that she will never be able to give the kind of emotions that are required for a true relationship.  I think she has more commitment issues than N traits.  Her mother on the other hand is classic N.  Its been almost 3 months and it is getting a lot better.  The hardest part is that I shut down after a while and let the relationship become stagnant.  I feel like I could have done more, a lot more.  Thats my pride getting in the way and not looking at it for what it is.  I am starting to date again and I will get past this.  I still have those days that I just want to call her and tell her why I did not do the things she wanted me to do.  She never gave back and I think she was never in it for the long haul anyway.  It was all about being with a good looking man on her side.  Anything to fullfil her emptyness.  

Thanks all for giving advice.

[jessecreedero]

what is she--

Hey guys, let me give you some good advice, if a woman is not emotional and she seems too good to be true-- trust me, she's not real.  If she's not real, not honest, and not herself, eatting a cruton and a glass of water when you take them out for dinner, more than likely, you do not want to go any further in the relationship.  Women are wired to be emtional, and if they're not, you have a problem child on your hands.  At the same token, you don't need a drama queen either.  Drama Queens, in my opinion, seem to have a tendency to be N's.  My brothers have come to me for advice on love, and if you don't have a sister to talk to, unfortunately, you will never understand.  Women are wired differently, we are emotional, relational, and always wanting to help.  We look to men to give us emotional stability, security, and protection.  You want to make us happy.  We want to be happy.  If you can't make the woman in your life happy, get out; otherwise, you will never be happy.  And when everything is said and done, you are the person that you have to live with all your life, so your happiness is the most important.  If you're not happy, you can't make anyone else happy.  

My advice to you, if you want someone who is emotionally available, you can't go wrong with an Italian (non mafia   ), but you better be ready--because Italians are very emotional creatures.  I know, I'm one.  And if you are not really in touch with your feeling, we have a way to bring it out of you.  But ultimately, the best way to find true love is to go to the Big Guy upstairs, Jesus.  If I depended on myself to find my true love, I never would have found him.  But God made you, and he knows you.  Try working on you, loving you, loving God, and then when the time is right, he'll give you the right one.  In the meantime, my brother and I found that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus to be extremely helpful.  Men and Women really do see things differently, and it never hurts to understand the language of the people you want to live with.  I cannot even tell you how many times I got athletes tongue from sticking my foot in my mouth when I was talking to a guy I liked because I didn't understand how he thought.  It gives a pretty good perspective on both sides of the fence.  It also would help you in your professional life as well.  Remember, whatever you ask, believing in your heart that you will receieve it, you will.

I'm forty years old, and God finally gave me the love of my life, and he is perfect for me in every way.  Sure we have disagreements, but neither one of us is going anywhere, and no matter what, we will work it out.   As mushy as it seems, when I met him and held his hand for the first time, I felt the missing key to my heart turn in the middle of my soul and the emptiness was gone.  I knew I found him; the funny thing was, I stopped looking.   I hope that helps.

I know what is going on.  It just sucks a lot.  You find a women who fits all of the criteria one looks for, and come to find out, its not at all what I am looking for.  I am in therapy and getting places real fast.  Of course its all about the mother in my life and taking care of her emothinally at a very young age.  Its about not abandoning the women in my life.  For heavens sake, I could never aboundon my mother.  Unfortunatly, I will stick around too long in some realationships that I know I should not be in.  At one time in my life, I would see the first red flag and bail like no tommorow.  After I graduated from college and started looking at my relationships, I tried to be more understanding and its almost like I've done a 180 into the opposite direction as far as boundaries and beliefs.  I just feel like I was a doormat and should have gotton out a long time ago, before I felt like a chump and not wanted by a women that seems to have so much of her life in order.  I have been told by one of her friends that also dated her brother, that she will never be able to give the kind of emotions that are required for a true relationship.  I think she has more commitment issues than N traits.  Her mother on the other hand is classic N.  Its been almost 3 months and it is getting a lot better.  The hardest part is that I shut down after a while and let the relationship become stagnant.  I feel like I could have done more, a lot more.  Thats my pride getting in the way and not looking at it for what it is.  I am starting to date again and I will get past this.  I still have those days that I just want to call her and tell her why I did not do the things she wanted me to do.  She never gave back and I think she was never in it for the long haul anyway.  It was all about being with a good looking man on her side.  Anything to fullfil her emptyness.  

Thanks all for giving advice.

[longtire]

jessecreedero, great post!  I don't have a sister, so I depend on the women here to gain insight.

[mum]

As mushy as it seems, when I met him and held his hand for the first time, I felt the missing key to my heart turn in the middle of my soul and the emptiness was gone. I knew I found him; the funny thing was, I stopped looking.

This is such a wonderful thing to say (and feel). I'm very happy for you. Yes, it happens!