Nervous Breakdown

[Sallying Forth]

dear the truth is in me

You see I had a habit of saying the truth and could see through her lies.... and she accused me of all this.  She's a B****.
lol

Zeene

Hello Zeene,
Yes, I could do the same thing and the more I did it, the more angry and destructive towards me she became.

[mudpuppy]

Hi Sela,

So sorry about the abuse you have endured, but also proud that you were smart enough to protect yourself and your daughter, and also glad that your ex is a good enough man to protect her too.

The person who did this... did it with the intention of destroying my life, as it was, and succeeded quite nicely.  You are right though...it is evil beyond belief the way it all went down.  It's actually easy to do, if you have good acting skills and a mouth the size of lake Ontario.

It is amazing how easy it is, isn't it? What defect is in people's character that the most outrageous lie about someone they have known for years can be swallowed whole without a shred of evidence?
Being on the receiving end of the warfare of an N gives a person a whole new perspective on the reliability of 'friends' and 'family' when it counts.
The few people who stand by us, while the bullets are flying are truly our friends and family. All the rest, who join in the abuse or duck and run or try to play both sides of the street will someday answer for their moral cowardice.

I will never know who believes what and who wants to know what for whom, or who will turn against me.

For me this is the worst part, and is unrepairable. I have no idea when talking to someone how much of what has been said about me they believe.
 Ostracization is a very damaging weapon. How do you fight it? I don't think you can. I guess you just have to write them off, and concentrate on the few decent people who remain.

((((((((((((Sela)))))))))))))

mudpup

[October]

A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the mental ward of a big hospital.  The psychiatrist was trying to diagnose me with some kind of mental disorder.  After my interview with him he called my N mother in to ask her some questions.

I found out that she had said that when I was younger I used to "make up stories".  This is not true.  A complete lie.  She was trying to make out that I was a schizophrenic or something.  She is a B**** (sorry about the swearing)

This sounds like a terrible accusation to start with, but then if you stop and think it is a crazymaking accusation.

Any normal, healthy parent would be proud to have a creative child; one with a rich fantasy life, who is able to lose herself in play and create her own fantasy world, woven around dolls or scenes from life.  This is a highly commendable way for any child to be, and it is not the same as if an adult did it.

All children should make up stories, it is part of growing up and it is part of roleplaying.  If you get a parent who cannot accommodate this, and tries to suppress the natural play instinct in a child (because she cannot stand the competition), and even complains to a doctor about it, that says a lot more about the parent than the child, imo.  It might even explain why that child went on to have a nervous breakdown later in life.

[Sela]

Thankyou Muddy.  I guess you can probably guess now why I could relate to your situation so well.

What defect is in people's character that the most outrageous lie about someone they have known for years can be swallowed whole without a shred of evidence?

Sometimes I think this is a defect in me because I picked the wrong friends.....or did I?  How does one know how to pick people that will not fall for such outrageous lies?  What are the chances of such a thing happening in one's life?  Who even thinks of it?

I thought those people were my friends.  They knew me for over 10 years and we spent lot's of time together individually and as a group, with our families together in activities..we even camped together.  Is it cowardice to believe gossip?  I don't know.  I've always had a bit of an aversion to it and I try really hard to judge people for myself but maybe I'm dense.  Maybe it's smarter to pay attention to what everyone else is saying about someone and be safe.  Maybe that's not cowardice but prudent?  I don't really blame my friends.  How do they know what is true?

Loyalty is such a tricky thing eh?  Hilter's secretary thought he was an ok guy.  Is that denial?  Cowardice?  Judging for herself from what she saw?  Or was she just stupid?  How did she miss his evil behaviour?  Ofcourse, there were facts to consider, in his case, which she must have missed or ignored.  An extreme example of blind loyalty?  I would have liked the benefit of the doubt but I didn't have the strength to sort through who was and was not willing to give that.  I just ended all of the relationships and did as you say:

I guess you just have to write them off, and concentrate on the few decent people who remain.

I agree.  I keep telling myself that there are plenty of decent people in the world to form new friendships with too.  I just don't feel ready to try yet, in the real world, I guess.

Thanks for the hug Mud.  Much needed and appreciated (from you too Brigid-thanks).

Sela

[mudpuppy]

Hi Sela,

Is it cowardice to believe gossip?

I make a distinction between physical cowardice and moral cowardice.
To me it is cowardly in the sense that since, as you say, they have no way of knowing whether an accusation is true, if they believe it they are purposely siding with the accuser, with no reason to do so other than the nearly universal desire to protect oneself at someone else's expense. When an accusatory person comes along, the moral cowards are afraid of receiving the same treatment so they believe the BS or pretend to, to fend off a similar attack on themselves and to ingratiate themselves with an obviously potentially dangerous person. I can't define that any other way than as the basest herd-instinct cowardice.
I suppose in some sense it is understandable, but that doesn't change what it is.

The people who believe the lies about you have chosen to harm you to protect themselves, knowing full well you might be completely innocent.
If you don't want to call it cowardice, how about chickens**t instead?

I guess you can probably guess now why I could relate to your situation so well.

Yes, it really struck a chord as I was reading what you wrote.
They're all so similar. First they kill things like friendships and reputations, then they feed on the carrion they have made of other people's lives.
If it gives any comfort, I believe your tormenter will end up being fed on by his or her own set of vultures someday in eternity.

mudpup

[Sela]

Hi again Mud:

I suppose in some sense it is understandable, but that doesn't change what it is.

The people who believe the lies about you have chosen to harm you to protect themselves, knowing full well you might be completely innocent.

You're right again I think.  Even though this may be common behaviour, that doesn't make it right.
Thanks for pointing that out.

If it gives any comfort, I believe your tormenter will end up being fed on by his or her own set of vultures someday in eternity.

It doesn't give me comfort because I don't wish that on my abuser or anyone.  I do think this person is already suffering and being eaten alive by their own vultures, deep inside the self, and I pray that this will change and that the person will seek and find help.  I doubt that will ever happen though.  It's very unlikely, I think.

Sela

[Sela]

It doesn't give me comfort because I don't wish that on my abuser or anyone.

Well not today, anyway.

Thanks anyhow Mud for trying to offer comfort.

Sela

[mudpuppy]

Hi again to you too Sela,

It doesn't give me comfort because I don't wish that on my abuser or anyone.

You're correct that it shouldn't give us comfort that anyone is eaten up by their disease/behavior or whatever you want to call it.
But sometimes it does give me comfort to know that those who never turn from their ways even until their death, will receive what they have meted out.
The thought of punishment doesn't comfort me on a personal level. It comforts on the level of knowing there is a cosmic scale of justice and knowing it is always in balance, even if not in this lifetime.

mudpup

[Sela]

Hey again Mud!

disease

If that is what it is, and it could be, I sure don't know, then how could the person with the disease deserve punishment?

Surely people aren't punished for having diseases and for acting due to disease processes?

It comforts on the level of knowing there is a cosmic scale of justice and knowing it is always in balance, even if not in this lifetime.

Me too.  I haven't got a clue how that scale is going to work but I do believe it will and it is just not for me to understand.

  Sela

[mudpuppy]

Surely people aren't punished for having diseases and for acting due to disease processes?

Well, lets call it a 'free will-disease'.
They may be predisposed to mistreat people, but every act of spite and malice is still a conscious choice between right and wrong, with the full knowledge they are harming others.
Presumably that's why a PD is not a legal defense.

mud

[daylily]

Hi Zeene,

When I was in college, something not too different happened to me.  I ended up hospitalized, and I was forced to withdraw from school--which devastated me--but in the end it was a good thing.  A very wise and patient psychaitrist told me that my mother was in an elite corps of the world's most difficult people, and that I would have to disengage from her in order to be myself.  It was good advice, and true, but even more than that, I'll always be grateful to Dr. G because he was perhaps the first person in my life to understand.  The fact that my mother lied to me and about me only informed Dr. G's opinion of her; he saw right through her.  She could not manipulate him, which infuriated her.  She has never really forgiven me for the episode, but that is not important compared to the benefit I took from it, though of course her behavior hurt immensely at the time.

So I guess I'm saying that everything you say you feel is valid.  But you seem to know that.  I'd just like to suggest that maybe there's something positive that you can take from this experience, something completely separate from her behavior.  If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about what she said to others about you.  They may not have believed her as readily as you would suppose.  I would focus instead on unravelling the lies she told you about yourself, for those lies can interfere with your ability to see, know, and value yourself for who you are.

best,
daylily