Thankyou Brigid for your kind words. My child was 10 and she told lies too because she "wanted to try living with her dad to see what it was like". She said some very disturbing things around that time. That was 3 years ago and I gave custody to her father because I was afraid she would be put in a foster home (which was being threatened) and because I decided it was better than having custody taken away from me. She was diagnosed a year before that with a mental disorder and I was terrified that no one but her own parents would have the patience needed to raise her. She has since "changed her mind" about a lot of things, one being telling lies. I'm very glad of that. She still lives with her dad but we visit often so that's another good thing.
...how these people can lie with such conviction and ease and with such total disregard for how it will affect others.
The person who did this... did it with the intention of destroying my life, as it was, and succeeded quite nicely. You are right though...it is evil beyond belief the way it all went down. It's actually easy to do, if you have good acting skills and a mouth the size of lake Ontario.
Thankyou too Anna. Yes I was GFN. I was made out to be horrible parent but lucky for me, I am meticulous about keeping records and because of my child's diagnosis, the previous year, I had been doing that and was able to prove some stuff false because I had made notes on certain dates in detail. I think that helped and it was just a fluke because normally I don't keep records of what goes on in my home. No one, except myself and the psychiatrist knew of her diagnosis because I didn't want her labelled and I was hopeful that by doing some behavioural stuff and therapy, she would improve. Instead, she rebelled against the whole shameal and decided it would be better living with her dad. But the adult involved...took the opportunity to embelish, add lies, and spread all kinds of stuff about me to my family, ex-family, some friends and ofcourse, last but not least, the authorities.
They tried to disprove my child's diagnosis too, which backfired because the doc they hired, who had no knowledge of the previous one's opinion, came up with the same diagnosis.
The good thing is....the relationship I have with my child now is still very close and possibly closer than before all of this. My abuser was unable to turn my child against me, even though she was regularly told she "should hate" me. The attempts to discredit me continue, none the less. And my daughter suffers as a result.
I've said some things against my ex-husband, on this board, but I have to also say that he has stood by me through out this and I would never have dreamed he would. He called right away and said: "I'm so sorry this has happened and I will do anything I can to help you", which was just about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. He has his faults but he can tell the difference between the truth and bs and we did spend 17 years together, so he knows me well. He also knows my abuser well. It was another thing, no one anticipated, that we would fight these accusations as a team (imagine two divorced people doing that?). We went to a different court, before this case of false accusations was heard, and changed custody, on our own. There was nothing they could do about it. There were no allegations against him. I think we ticked some of the people in the "system" off by doing that. Toooooooooo bad.
I feel ashamed even though I know I didn't do those things that were said. I think that some people did believe it. I ended relationships with a whole group of people, who I was friends with, because my abuser had infiltrated the group and was now a part of it (still is).
One of my closest friends, who was my maid of honour, at my wedding, passed away shortly after this began. I went to her funeral and sat in the back by myself, while my abuser was planted in the center of the group of my ex-friends. Afterward, some of them chased me down as I tried to make a quick exit and I couldn't even talk. I was polite but I left as quickly as I could. I don't want to go to any more of my ex-friends funerals, if I can't go to their lives, and I don't want to go to their lives because my abuser is there, continuing to spread crap, and I feel ashamed of the whole mess. I will never know who believes what and who wants to know what for whom, or who will turn against me.
In a way, I have lost trust in a great many things, including friendship but then I tell myself...I have only lost trust in those particular friendships and certain things. I also told myself that anyone who was my friend would stand beside me 100% and support me and anyone who didn't, I didn't need in my life....anyway. I found out exactly who those supportive people are and there aren't many of them. Another loss/lesson I learned but at least I know who I can trust now.
To use Moira's words: the thing is "gut wrenching". That about says it. I feel sick thinking about it all and I know what people mean when they say they relive stuff because I relive it and relive it and relive it and haven't stopped doing that yet. Soon I will though. Sooon!!
Sela
