Hi all:
I saw what was going on between Bunny and I as communication, not really as bickering. In my last post here yesterday, the last thing I wrote to Bunny was:
I'll try not to make suggestions to you or ask you questions when it seems like you're feeling vunerable because you have made it clear how that makes you feel and I don't want to make things worse for you. I would rather you just know that I care and will do anything I can to help you feel better.
Truly, I was feeling a bit defensive, just prior to that, but I was trying to ignor that and let Bunny know that I had not only heard her request, understood it, respected it and would try to remember it, but also to clearly state that even though we had had this discussion......the bottom line is I care about Bunny and her needs.
I had also written:
Maybe it's my issue? Maybe you're right? Maybe I ask too many questions and make too many suggestions? Maybe I don't have to do anything but I would be wise to consider what you're saying?
And Bunny questioned my sincerity.
That hurt my feelings so I shut my pc down and went away to think, and cry a little. Self-reflection is painful sometimes and I kept asking myself why I might not seem sincere?
Ofcourse, I do like to kid around a lot
and so maybe it might be hard to tell sometimes, if I am serious or not. Then there's the problem of the written word, minus all other indicators such as tone, body language etc. So it's easy, maybe sometimes, for others to feel confused when reading and even hard to tell if someone really is being sincere, or not.
(It's pretty hard to tell in the real world too sometimes, even with all of that stuff! But in this case, it might have been clearer had Bunny and I been in the same room and able to see eachother's total communication).
Thankyou to the guests who tried to defend/support me/my style/whatnot here (and I really liked your post Guest for Now who isn't me but I wish I had your finess), and thankyou for all the other nice comments of appreciation that I'm sure were intended to encourage me. I do really feel the caring in your postings and I'm so glad that some things I have said have helped you! That is really what matters to me anyhow....especially that I haven't made things worse for you.
But I was serious, when I asked those questions (of myself, really, thinking out loud I guess), the one's above about maybe I ......, and I was sincere and I did go away and really think about it. What I think is that I like to encourage people, maybe because I have always had to encourage myself, since that was basically absent from my home life, for a very long time. I don't like to see people hurting and feeling alone and suffering. I'm a very hopeful person and I know that without hope, life feels empty to me, so I want to give people hope when I sense they are feeling hopeless.
But I think what Bunny was trying to tell me was that when she is in pain, she just wants to express her pain, and know that she is not alone, and that she doesn't want my encouragement, or my hope, right then. I don't think she was criticizing me, I think she was expressing her need (which conflicts with my desire to instill hope and encourage her) and once I decided to forget feeling defensive, I was able to think it all through logically enough.
The point is.....I did finally get it, being dense in the highest sense
, and I think I do understand that she's saying she wants me to...as Stormy put it one time......sit shiva??......which maybe I'm not very good at. So I will try harder to pay attention to that, which I did try to indicate I was willing to do and that I care enough to try.
We are all different. I accept that. I try to look for the good I see in you, to encourage you, to let you know that I believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself. If you don't want that, I will do my best not to point it out, but I will see it, regardless, because that is my choice and my attitude toward most people.
And I do understand that we all have our difficulties in communicating because of our experiences, or what we are feeling at that moment, or any number of other factors....and sometimes we just react, rather than be as sensitive, as we would like others to be with us, me included. So yes, I'm just as insensitive as the next person, sometimes
.
October, the message I get is that you don't want my encouragement or hope, sometimes, and that's ok. I'm glad you stated your need and I will do my best to respect it. I am sincere, I am honestly doing my best to hear what you're asking and I do think I understand. If I'm not getting it right, it's not for a lack of trying.
Best wishes to you (((((((((((all)))))))))).
GFN
