A string of unfulfilling relationships...

[bunny]

As for genders, it's very interesting.  I love the idea of exploring my relationships with men in therapy, so my last two therapists were men.  But it didn't work!  I sort of just charmed them and they coddled me. I felt like a million dollars leaving their office every time, but I didn't get very much out of the therapy. I tried to talk to them about it but it didn't work.  I think they found me intimidating. Here is a sexist comment, and I apologize for it, but I think there are statistically more effective female than male therapists.  I've seen it in my friends who are therapists, and through my friends who go to therapists.  I could be wrong!  I probably am wrong.  But it has been my experience.

I've had woman therapists who were cold, unempathic and destructive. And I've had warm, effective woman therapists.  Now, I'm seeing for the first time, a male T. He has excellent boundaries, is very smart, and really good. I have huge transference issues with him regarding my ideas of what he's thinking/feeling during the session. I think this is useful. His bedside manner isn't maternal, but we can't have everything. Anyway my conclusion is that both genders can be excellent therapists if they know their stuff.

bunny

[vunil]

I want to go to your therapist, Bunny!

[Chicken]

Hi All

I had a two large glasses of wine last night with a friend.  I then proceeded to go home.  I was feeling quite affected by the wine and I sent a text to my EX who then called me and the rest is history... 

I have descended into relapse....

I am now disgusted with myself, and am feeling like all my hard work is gone out the window.  I am more confused than ever before.  I thought I was doing very well and out of danger. 

I don't know what came over me and I feel like it's going to ruin the work I've been doing with my therapist too. 

I'm a write off

...a mess

 

[spyralle]

(((((((((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))))))))))

itwould be good for you to remember here that a lapse does not necessarily need to be a relapse.  To lapse into old behaviour is normal.  If we did not have that potential we would not be in the place we are in now.  It's what you do with it now.  It sounds like you have not descended fully into a relapse situation because you are posting here.  Do you think that you could stop it before it really gets going.

Remind yourself sweetie of all the pain he has put you through, the night of the assault and look again at the list you made to re read those horrible things he said to you that hurt you.  Just because you have lapsed does not  make this situation un salvageable.  You have survived without him Selkie.  You are worth more than him.....  he does not have to be in control of you.  You can take control.  It is hard and it is painful, but so will the outcome of this be if he gets a hold on you again.  There is a life for you oput here Selkie.  One where you are strong and beautiful and have a right to be treated the way you deserve. 

Keep posting....

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Chicken]

Do you think that you could stop it before it really gets going.

Thanks Spyralle, I am in floods of tears here after reading your post.  I don't think I can stop it now.  It's too late now we have made contact...  I should have thought of that before I initiated contact.

I will have to wait for the next explosive episode to start again.  How messed up this is, I wish I were where you are Spyralle.  I want to be back where I was this time yesterday, but I am powerless.  I don't even like him, he is such a phony... 

I hate myself for this.

I look forward to my appointment with counsellor on Friday.

Thanks for your kind words

[Brigid]

Selkie,
It is not too late to break it off before anything happens again.  Trust me, I would have hooked up with my ex after the break-up if he would have allowed it.  Fortunately, for me, he was too besotted with his married girlfriend at the time and wanted nothing to do with me.

Please don't wait for him to hurt you again.  There is new life out there, with really wonderful men, but you have to get yourself healthy so you can find them.  Is it possible for you to leave town for a couple of days and just get away from the situation?  This guy is toxic and he is taking a little bit of you each time you re-engage him.  You deserve better, but you can't see that right now.  You know what your therapist is going to tell you.  Don't wait for her to say it--say it to yourself.  You have the strength--dig down deep to find it and break away.

I'm praying for you.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Chicken]

I am meeting him at 4pm today, I will speak to him then.  I will ask for some time and then try to get away from him again.
 
Last night when we got together, I realised it was not love but an addiction.  I have never realised it so acutely before and I think that the world is still unaware of how we can be addicted to people and it can have the same destructive effects as if it were a drug. 

There is a huge "High" involved, at least there was last night, now I'm coming down.  I need to talk to my therapist about that "High"...   because I don't understand it

I will try to regain what I have lost.  I just feel like I am down now (as in fallen down) so I kind of may as well stay here. 

ok i will try

[Moira]

Hi Selkie! Read your posts. Don't think of this contact as a relapse. As a recovering addict, I've had my share of using again and I've found it really powerful and comforting to look at them as situations I can learn from. for example taking a good look at the triggers that prompt the ersuming old familiar destructive patterns. Always a positive lesson here and I'm hopeful your therapist can help you see some positive stuff in this. don't beat your self up- often easier said than done, I know. I contacted my ex N for his birthday and sent a cake. Tons of emails, phone calls etc. I have ignored them all. I think I mentioned ? on other threads that for me- being visual- it's really been helpful to leave many written reminders of all the horrible painful things he's done and said to me- on the computer, on the phone, on my door, on my bathroom mirror etc. I not only write all the b.s. out but also include how it made me feel, did it stop( of course not!) and what I learned from it( even if it's intellectual only at this point and not connected yet with awareness and emotions and the impact it's made on your life). I've also joined a support group for codependents and am really finding this extremely helpful. I have names and numbers of other women and can call them at any time to talk. helps to call before you break your resolve- or immediately after, if you've acted on it. we are only doing what we know and it's not our fault that we were never taught healthy positive communication skills, values, and ever knowing our own self worth and that we all deserve nothing short of healthy, non destructive behaviour. I'm sure most of us totally relate to where you are in your recovery- yes, I use NA and AA terms because constantly choosing harmful relationships with damaged men IS an ADDICTION. The good news here is, like drugs and alcohol, we CAN LIVE WITHOUT DAMAGING RELATIONSHIPS!!! We need to learn the tools and skills for this. I always feel guilty and shamed when I disclose to my shrink any contact I've initiated with my N, but she's always been supportive, understanding, and is very good at reframing these situations to explore the positive learning that can be had. I've found it enlightening and very encouraging. For example , I was freaked out intially even discussing my N and the behavoiur I endured, but she said to me- You know, in the past you would have spent years trying to " fix them" and sacrifice yourself, but this time you kicked him out 5 months after putting all the puzzle pieces together...and you didn't marry him"!!! She was also good at exploring with me the origins of my codependent behavour, lots of family of origin stuff and other experiences that destroy self esteem and trust. DON'T BE ASHAMED!!! Also remember that destruction, pain,etc is HIS M.O. and not yours!!!
Try and be good to yourself- he won't ever be. Also, being addicted to the highs and lows- and there is no other pattern with Ns- is all part of the addiction and codependence. Again, this addiction is the same as drug addiction and all addictions come from abandonment, neglect and abuse by your family when you were a child- and helpless, powerless, voiceless. HANG IN< KEEP POSTING AND BE GOOD TO YOURSELF_ YOU DESERVE RESPECT- TRUST, HAPPINESS- PEACE AND LOVE!!!!! Moira

[spyralle]

Selkie,

Whatever you choose to do we will be hanging in here and supporting you throughout...

keep posting...

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Chicken]

Hi Moira and Spyralle and all,

Thanks so much for your support. 

Well, he just left this morning, we have spent the last three days together.  I went to see my counsellor yesterday.  I told her immediately what happened.  I was crying all through our session, was devastated with myself and how powerless I felt.  I think she was disappointed in me as I was doing so well.  I felt that our session was wasted in a way as I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying about my childhood and the reasons this is happening- my head felt like it was going to explode.  I have been feeling incredibly anxious and down as well.

My Ex has been very supportive and understanding and loving.  He does have this side to him, he wants to do everything in his power to make me happy.  He cancelled all his plans for the weekend to stay with me.  He is showering me with love and affection.  I tried to end it yesterday morning but couldn't follow through with the final departure.  He cries inconsolably when I try to break up and then I cry and it's so painful for both of us that we get back together in consoling each other.  -A classic co-dependant relationship.
He mentioned suicide very briefly saying that he might do it someday.  I know he would never have the power to LEAVE ME...  this is why my counsellor thinks I am with him.   She believes I have huge abandonment issues deeply ingrained in me, along with lack of self worth and feelings that I am unlovable. 

Anyway, this is where the problem lies...

Basically it's either my Ex or my Counsellor...

I can't have the two.

I mean, say I was a heroin addict right?  I go to counselling to help me kick the habit.  But first surely I need to abstain, then go through counselling to help me find the strength to sustain that abstinence and find out why I am doing it and how I can prevent it and to heal from it etc...

I can't go to counselling and then go and shoot up right after...  that's a cop out surely, and that's what I am doing.

So...  basically I put myself in the position where I gave myself an ultimatum.  I said to my counsellor that when I come back for my next session (Tue, ie. 4days!) that I will have got rid of him.

I am feeling a little better now that he has gone.  I don't ever want to see him again but I don't want to actually break up with him officially.  I hate the whole ceremonial side of it.  Oh to be able to sneak away without being noticed...  It's the repercussions I am terrified of...  Could I kind of ease things off a little now and maybe slowly break up?

A new layer has grown onto this relationship and that is one of pity.  I haven't felt this way before. I feel so sorry for him now.  He bought some peaches for me this weekend, and put them in a bowl and put them in my room for me.  It fills me with excrutiating painful pity when I look at them now.  I don't know what has come over me but I am in floods of tears because of this bowl of peaches!!!!!!!!!



-He had such a rough time growing up.  His father punched him in the face constantly. 

I guess my Ex is keeping me in this place...  and maybe I am keeping him in that place.  bottom line is that the relationship is not doing either of us any good.  In three days I have lost my power, energy, self confidence, self esteem, even my looks are beginning to slip. 

I have lost my job also.

Does anyone have any advice?  Any nugget will do and I just might try to sever it with him this time.
Do I have to see him face to face to break up?  -because it doesn't work!
Can I not explain by email? 

Does anyone recommend Co-dependant Anonymous, what happens in these meetings and would I have to talk, (I don't want to)
Does anyone know if such a thing exists in London?  Or is it an american thing?   

Sorry for sounding desperate, i guess i kinda am though.  This is probably a good thing, i am finally in the situation where I have to face all my fears and my demons--

There is no more hiding, no more running away, I have to face this

[Chicken]

Hi All,
it's me again!
Just want to let you know that I called him and told him that I can't go back with him, I also sent him a long email to back this up.  I am going to a CoDA meeting tomorrow.  I am in a terrible mess, but I have moments of relief. 

[bunny]

Selkie,

Your counselor wouldn't judge you for feeling ambivalent about your boyfriend. She would never ask you to choose between him and her. She wouldn't judge you for taking a step back - ALL THERAPY CLIENTS DO THIS. She totally understands (or should) your unconscious reasons for going backward. Please be easy on yourself.  Instead of threatening suicide, your ex should be telling you he will get HELP FOR HIMSELF. That would show commitment on his side. But that's his issue. You're getting help and that is great.

Keep posting,
bunny

[mum]

This is probably a good thing, i am finally in the situation where I have to face all my fears and my demons--

I think you know this to be true. Yes, it is a good thing. As strange as it sounds......just throw yourself on the jagged edges of this pain. Be brave. You will not die.......well, actually, your old self may (the one you are so dissapointed in).
You are already MILES AHEAD of most people.  Please believe that. Why do I think that? Because you are soooo very brave. You are looking this monster (fear) in the face and not running away again. (into his arms....into blaming your past, whatever escape fits).

I think you are amazing. You are doing the hardest work of your life right now. This struggle will save you. You are powerful. You can do this.
(((((((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))))

Sending you love and light.

 PS:

I also sent him a long email to back this up

You didn't need to do this, but you are a kind person, so you explained. It's okay. It may allow him to "counter explain", but you can take it! Just set a boundary in place....."I need to heal and cannot do this relationship at the moment" might help. (or maybe that WAS your explanation, right?). Hang in there. You will be fine.

[spyralle]

Hi Selkie,

I am so pleased to read your post and know that you are still kicking away at this...  Bunny is so right when she says that this is not an either or thing.  Your counsellor is there to help you process whatever is going on for you..  There is no question of you having to do 'the right thing' to carry on seeing her.  I guess an impotant part of the counselling process is that you work on things as they arise.  If they were not to arise, you would not be caught up in these patterns in the first place.

You made me cry when I read about the bowl of peaches.  You are so like me.  I have held on like that to the little thing that my ex did that meant so much to me and chosen to completely ignore the massive bad things that he did to suck the life out of me.

In terms of heroin addiction, and I think really that your comparison is spot on.  i have worked with many people who do exactly that....  Come to a session and then go and use.  The thing for me is not always about immediate abstinence.  I think that to expect that from someone who has a very intense relationship with whatever their addiction of choice is, is sometimes unrealistic.  Often that substance or in our case person, defines who they are.  The use of it is necessary for daily living and then when it is taken away that person often starts to fragment.  This of course as we know is terrifying so the first thing to do would be to reach for the very thing that we believe keeps us from feering that terror.....The familiar.  So a heroin addict whose goes off to score after a session, if he is really motivated to change will return to work on why and what it was that made them do that.  Of course they may go down the slippery slope of thinking that because they had lapsed once they were a worthless disaster and may as well carry on, but what better way to work on something than when it is actually happening...

What you are experiencing now is giving you rich content for your therapy sessions and if you choose to you can use it...

i have absolute faith that you can do this Selkie.  To me it doesn't matter how you actually break up.  The important person here is you.  You deserve a safe and happy life in which you are simply loved for who you are.  ((((((((((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))))))))))))

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[longtire]

Selkie, I think you are doing a great job of facing a lot of painful and just plain yucky stuff.  I can attest that progress is NOT one foot after another it is one step forward, five steps back.  One step forward, three steps back.  One step forward.  One step back.  One step forward.  Two steps forward, one step back.  Well, you already know this...

Do whatever you can to take care of yourself through this.  Get an extra 1/2 hour of sleep even once a week.  Eat as healthy as you can for energy.  Get some light excercise or go out for a walk.  What you are doing is Work with a capital "W" and you need all the energy and rest you have to deal with it.  The good news is that every step forward you take makes the next forward step easier to take.  Even if you have some steps back in between.  It only gets easier from here.  Don't beat yourself up about those backward steps.  They are a natural part of the process and you wouldn't be human like the rest of us if you "skipped" that part.