A string of unfulfilling relationships...

[Chicken]

hello all,
I'm new to this discussion forum, I'm sure this topic has been done to death so I apologise in advance for any repetition...

I'm so upset as I am in my mid thirties and have never had a fulfilling relationship.  

I am continuously attracted to unavailable, abusive, manipulative men who are incapable of offering the relationship I crave.

I have been to counselling and have talked and talked about it, but nothing changes and my patterns just keep emerging.

I get so confused in these relationships because I can't figure out why they are so unfulfilling...  Is it my fault?  Am I projecting past hurts onto my current relationships?  or am I really choosing unsuitable men?
I feel like if I could figure this out it would be a huge step, because if I am to blame I will stick it out and work on the relationship instead of running away when the patterns emerge...

I hope I am making sense...

Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?  I really don't know how to recognise these wolves in sheeps clothing (if they are)

I don't think I can take another heartbreak!

how the hell do I cure myself?  What do I need to do to heal myself and ensure I experience love before I die!!!  I have so much love to give and the longer I leave it the needier I get...(how unattractive!)

Thanks so much

[longtire]

Chicken, (I hate to call you that because it is a brave step to post here) welcome.  Often these recurring relationship problems have their roots in our childhoods.  Maybe you can tell us a little more about your background, your relationship with your mother, father, siblings, etc?  You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable enough here yet.  I just didn't see quite enough detail in your post to answer meaningfully.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Chicken,

What happens in therapy that talking about it led nowhere? A therapist who is pretty competent would not let you feel this helpless and self-blaming. This is a complicated issue as longtire points out.

bunny

[Brigid]

Welcome Chicken,

I would think that if you are still unable to make good choices in love relationships even after therapy, that you have not had a very effective therapist and probably have not gotten to the roots of your relationship problems.

It took me 20 months of intensive therapy to finally be able to go deep inside the very injured part of me that I was so skillfully avoiding and neglecting.  I have had 2 failed marriages and I can point fingers at them for not being good guys, but the three fingers pointing back at me have to do with my father and mother and childhood and how I was set up for making bad choices.

I guess we would need to know more about what has gone on in your life that may have led to your negative experiences--if you would choose to share that.

I welcome you and you will find there are many of us here who can relate to having made many bad decisions in our relationships so you needn't feel alone.

Brigid

[Plucky Guest2]

You sound so much like me.    I had so many bad relationships I lost count.  I am married now, and I am here to tell you that even then you might still be lonely, you might still be needy, and your chances of getting your needs met are even less than when you are single.

I think I'll make a list.

1.  If you rush into any kind of relationship because you are needy, it will cause problems.  There is no magic person out there who will rescue you and fill in your gaps and understand everything.  If you meet a person who seems like that, they might have issues and their own agenda.

2.  If you marry the wrong person, you will solidify any relationship problems and activate a lot more of them.

3.  If you love yourself, you can show others how to love you. If you do not love yourself, you will demonstrate to others that you might not be worthy or capable of love.   In order to love you, they will have to overcome your own attitudes.  

4.  Take your time.  You might be needy but your needs cannot be met by a normal love relationship.  You have to heal some things first and then approach a relationship in a more healthy state.  Do not let your age make you rush into something.  You want a healthy relationship with a healthy person, not a stunted relationship with someone who can exploit your weaknesses, even if they are doing is unconsciously.

Hope this is helpful.

Plucky Guest2

[jophil]

Hi Chicken -this is a complex and difficult dilemma . I have also been in relationships with "unavailable,abusive and manipulative WOMEN who are incapable ----etc" .These relationships always ended painfully with me feeling either deeply hurt or relieved that it was over.

 I started to see the light when I realized that my parents were "unavailable,abusive,manipulative and incapable ---and so on"

 It seems that we,as adults, are drawn to those people, at a below conscious level, who resemble our parents in some ways. We then set out to transform these partners into the loving, accepting folk who will treat us like we really want and need. Unfortunately this does not work because the partners that we choose are not capable of meeting our needs and then they hurt and harm us all over again. Bummer!

Have you tried dating a nice man who really likes you just the way you are.
What happens to you emotionally when you feel an 'easy flow' of love and acceptance from a guy- no turmoil, no churning gut feelings, no conflict and no mind games? Does this equate to NO attraction?

John/.

[write]

let's call you Plucky not Chicken! It's a brave step to admit there's a negative pattern you want to change.

Secondly- that's ALL it is, a negative pattern you somehow got into.

It DOES NOT mean there's anything wrong with, that you're unloveable or unacceptable in some way, or that you are doomed to these half- relationships.

I've been there and worried all these things are true; and let's face it when you're alone on a Saturday night or holiday...these negative feelings hit you in the face, along with a replay of all the bad times. We are lead to believe everyone has a 'soulmate' or true love, and everyone will find fulfillment through a relationship, but there are so many other ways to live a good life.

I've made a pact with myself:

a) I am going to make the best possible life I can for MYSELF even if I were to live on my own forever;

b)  I'll cultivate healthy friendships to give me love, plus acquaintances to share activities with. I even got me a puppy, who's the best companion I've had so far!

c) I'm not allowed to beat myself up over anything bad that's happened in THE PAST: I'll learn from it if I can, but only I can decide to move on and not obsess about things to my detriment.

I may have my bad days, but I've decided to fake it until I make it, and I tell myself every day that by doing the above I'm going to be busy having a good life, and special people will be drawn to that wonderful me who is living life to the full.

If you are truly stuck with this and feel you need more therapy consider another therapist- some are much better than others. And keep posting here- loads of people here have been in the same place you have, you'll get lots of support and god suggestions.

Take care ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
And stop calling youself Chicken!

[Butterfly]

Hi there, C

I highly recommend this book to you, "Getting the Love You Want..." By Harville Hendrix.  Someone had suggested this book on another thread.  I've started reading it.  I think that you will find a lot of sound answers to your questions.  This is definitely not another one of those feel good, self-help book.  It's been an eye-opening book for me so far.

Butterfly

[Plucky Guest2]

Hey!  I'm plucky.  Plucky is taken.
Plucky

[jophil]

Hey Butterfly, I was the one who suggested that book, I cannot find my copy right now and would appreciate it if you posted the store where you bought it.. Thanks ..John

[John2]

Hi Chicken,

Great to meet you.  

I'm interested to understand your situation a bit more if that's okay with you. Otherwise I'll probably go off half-cocked and be barking up the wrong tree.

You said you've had counselling and talked and talked for hours and hours. Was that with a qualified therapist & over an extended period of time? Or was it in group workshop stuff? I'm curious as to what kind of counselling it was, and how qualified it was?

I've found there are many avenues available to us in these types of situations. But still, different strokes for different folks too.    Do you feel comfortabe to tell more about the ones you've been down so far, and for how long?

John2

[Dazza]

Chicken, thanks for your post. Welcome to the board!

I have been through a somewhat similar situation. I was once attracted to people who were bad for me (N's!), and all of my relationships were hellish. It got to the point where I had to break the pattern of getting involved with unstable people.

It took a hellish self-inflicted dateless year for me to get a handle on my situation. I woke up at 6am, practiced yoga, went to work, then came home and read, meditated, etc. I kept a journal and wrote a lot. It felt good to get a lot of the bad stuff out. I cried a lot and it was painful to revisit some of the things that I went through.

Combined with seeing a great counselor, I learned a lot about myself and the type of people I needed to avoid (both romantically and professionally). While I survived, it was an awful, lonely time for me.  But I knew that it was something I felt that I had to do, because I was tired of dealing with drama queens, liars, manipulators, etc.

By chance, I wound up meeting my fiance at the end of that year. Had I met her before that period, I would've thought that she wasn't "exciting" enough. You know, because she's kind, sweet, loving, and you always know where you stand with her.  

As for the "cure" you seek, there isn't a simple antidote to your solution.

While I am curious to read your reply to those who've requested more details about your situation, you should recognize how important it is that you see a pattern in your life that you'd like to address. That is an important step, especially as there are so many people living in denial.

I hope that you can find some helpful information here. Welcome again, Chicken. I think that you will find a lot of positive support on this board.

[Brigid]

Dazza,

Had I met her before that period, I would've thought that she wasn't "exciting" enough. You know, because she's kind, sweet, loving, and you always know where you stand with her.

Well, its good to finally hear a man state what we girls have been saying for awhile.  Why do we have that attraction to "bad girls/boys" rather than to the good guys/gals?  

This is what I am trying to get to now.  I only wanted the good guys as friends (father replacement figures), but wanted to be in relationships with the ones who were edgy, needing fixing, etc.  

I have to say that it is getting better for me and the fixer-uppers I am not interested in any more.  I have actually met a man through a group I am in that I think is wonderful, but he is not ready for a relationship.  I get that and have just made myself available as a friend.  Maybe in time he will come around and notice me for more than that, but if not, I would certainly wish him well because he is a terrific individual.

Chicken,
Take some time to find and learn to love yourself.  This is the key to then finding and loving someone else in a healthy and fullfilling relationship imo.

Brigid

[Butterfly]

Hi John,

I checked out Amazon. com and it has the book available there.  However, I borrowed the book from my local library.  What an exceptional book.

Butterfly

[Chicken]

Hi again Everyone!

Thank you all for your lovely kind words and support.  I'm so happy I stumbled across this forum!

Well, through research and counselling, I came to the conclusion that these patterns do indeed stem from my childhood, so I completely agree with you all about that...

When I was a child my mother didn't like me and my Dad was preoccupied, distant, unavailable etc...  I never once received any affection from either of them.  I grew up quickly and I felt like I developed a wonderful coping strategy when I was a kid...  I distanced myself from them and became self-sufficient and independant, I had a "Screw them, I don't need anything from them" attitude that served me very nicely indeed!!

Unfortunately I grew out of this defence mechanism...!

When I feel rejected now, I experience an intense feeling in the pit of my stomach that seems so deep it feels like I have it from a previous life!!  
I open myself to the most unsuitable people and I get crushed again and again.  It's a pity I subject my poor battered heart to this constant torture but I feel so drawn to certain kinds of men, it's just as painful to resist than it is to give in so I go for it, like a lamb to the slaughter...

The other night, I had a glass of wine with the new man in my life, and all of a sudden I became overwhelmed by this image that came into my head, I felt like I was a delicate flower in the palm of his hand waiting to be crushed.  I had a lump in my throat!  I felt powerless.

some of you suggested going to a different counseller etc, I really liked my current counseller but I left because I felt like it wasn't helping me.  I mean, I know that my problems stem from my childhood, I know I was neglected and I know my relationships today are carbon copies of the dynamics I shared with my parents.  Talking about it doesn't change it...  I forgive my parents, I feel no bitterness towards them, and I get along well with my mum today (My dad died years ago)

What will therapy do for me?  I'm completely aware of what I'm doing and the damage and self-destruction that I endure...  I don't think counselling is going to teach me anything I don't know already!