finding therapy

[Moira]

H all! I'm new here and am curoius to know what peoples' experiences have been finding therapist to deal with N survivors. I'm a nurse working in psychiatry for 20 years and I know this field of counseling is new territory. Not enough known yet about N. And they are such skilled actors they often fool psychiatrists and therapists. Often when the abused partner attends therapy with their N. they are the ones who appear mentally ill. You then present as being out of control, paranoid etc while your N sits there all calm and composed laughing at your pain and the prospect of fooling the doctor. Do others look for specific kinds of counseling or specialty areas? I wonder about therapists whose area of expertise is personality disorders, self esteem and codependence, family of origin issues. I lucked out finding an excellent psychiatrist- I'm bipolar so have seen psychiatrists for years. She deals alot with personality disorders and families as well as relationship issues. Finding her has been one of the most empowering experiences I've ever had. Without her I hatet o think what would have happened to me- wouldn't be here.

[write]

Hi Moira. I have bipolar 1 and I think there was a time when n-h presented as loads more together and sane than me- in public at least. In private he was so neurotic, and angry all the time.

When he decided to go to therapy I asked my therapist to ask around for experts in npd and she came up with a good one who helped him loads. She did start off by saying to him that npd is a label and not a positive one, and that she doesn't care for labels, and she is a very well-qualified scientist so I think all that helped him trust her. She prescribed a/d s which helped a lot.

When I was looking for a new psych a doctor friend offered to screen a few for me, and she chose a woman I've worked quite well with, she doesn't just keep going on about bipolar all the time.

Sometimes I think when you have a mental illness it's all people see and any fluctuation in mood or functioning and everyone is hyper-vigilent to the point of patronising.
I've learned to tell very few people about it, only if they really need to know.

[Moira]

Hi Write! Thanks for the response. I agree that once certain people- and I fully believe Ns love this info so they will use it against you- absolutely interpret any anger or sadness- when entirely appropriate- as pathology. My N did this constantly. When I was angry with him for his lies and accusations, I was immediately and publicly called psychotic. I also agree with not focusing on the label- rather the behaviours. That's what I addressed with the N and his shrink- the behavoiurs that were obviously indicative of Nism. I have- as you understand, have major trust issues around telling people. I'm lucky in regards to the friends I've picked- all know and are incredibly supportive. I use them as sounding boards to tell me when they think I'm getting ill as it's so insidious for me. They don't freak out if I'm pissed off abuot appropriate things and my irritability doesn't become my sole communication. My family on the other hand accused me for most of my life of being a shit disturber and refused to believe I had an illness. They- 2 of my sibs- wrapped their minds around it after my last hospitalization. In regards to prospective partners, I never tell in the beginning of a relationship. don't know if it's giong to become serious. Also need to suss out what their views are or if they've had personal experience with this- ie family or friends. Many times though when I've thought it was safe to tell, alot of guys have walked out the door. This is perhaps for me the most difficult thing to deal with in terms of intimate relationships.Even with guys who give lip service to acceptance and understanding, when the going gets tough, they bail.

[write]

honestly, I had to speak to n-h about this just this week. I was distressed about a number of things, not least the attack on our capital city, and right away he was 'on my case', telling me I'm getting sick when truly I was just sad.

It's a fine line being bipolar and trusting to others to help with feedback or being taken advantage of or taken over.

I have a golden rule now since I have my illnesss medicated and I feel in charge- no one is allowed on board if they even slightly let me down, ie try to take advantage or try to diminuish me in any way.

As far as I'm concerned this is my wholeness, and if people can't accept me as I am they ( not me ) need to find another charity case.

I know this sounds cynical, and it is, but it's my way forward and surely anyone who cares about me outside of their own ego will be supportive?

I can't imagine at all finding another relationship right now, so part of my coming to terms with this is accepting a period of time on my own; of course I have my beautiful puppy, and my family ( part-time ).

But most of all trying to discover myself and the things which motivate and please me.

[Moira]

Hi Write! I don't think you sounded at all cynical in your views- in fact i think you hit the nail on the head and said your piece most eloquently I agree 100%. For me it's still the most difficult thing to decide when to tell someone who is important or looking like they may be important, about bipolar. I've been fooled many times by people who appeared to be on board and then flipped out. I too am in no shape- mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually- to remotely consider dating etc. I'm really enjoying reclaiming my life- feel like I'm coming out of a coma- actually a coma- not to sound too trite!- would at least have been oblivious and numb!!! As opposed to destructive mindf...k!! Pardon my French! I've started reconnecting with long suffering and neglected friends, am meeting new people, am out and about on my own enjoying summer in my beautiful city, and I feel good- the first time in a yr. and a half since I got sucked into the black hole of N hell!!! In fact I feel sooo good my shrink is cocking her eyebrow at me!!!! I'm not hypomanic- ok, ok, maybe a wee bit!- I am naturally ecstatic about my freedom and choices. I don't think people can appreciate this unless they have personal experience with a N and the toll they take. Just this weekend I ran into several casual acquaintances who know me and my ex, and they looked at me very concerned and asked " if I was ok". They said " we heard you weren't doing well". My ex was telling them I was psychotic and likely to be hospitalized soon " for my delusional accusations and irrational treatment of him".  I appreciate your comments!