just venting

[webster]

I just feel the need to vent a bit. My N mother has really been showing herself the last few months. Since October, she's called everyone, I mean everyone in the family, friends, neighbors, I think anyone she has phone numbers for, and told them outlandish stories of my dad and what he's done to her over the years. 150 affairs, molesting family members, name it. I know my dad's not perfect and I do know of 1 affair during their 50 year marriage. The other stuff is not true. Her stories are inconsistent. She doesn't want to divorce him and she doesn't want things to be better either. It's a pitiful situation. She just wants to talk about him and wants "support" from us. After about 4 months of hearing this over and over and over and over again 4 or 5 times a week I told her I need a break.  Since then, things haven't been good between her and I. She is seeing a counselor that refuses to see my dad or us kids, or so she says. I have told her this is between them and they are the only ones that can make it better. She took that as me saying everything is her fault. She's waiting for an apology from me. She is a hateful person. She didn't come to my daughter's wedding or bridal shower. She had other plans. I can't have these conversations with her anymore, especially if she's not willing to do anything about it. My dad is seeing a different counselor and my mom refuses to go with him. My dad called me tonight saying he needed to talk to me. I left right away to meet him. He was told by my mom that he had to tell me all the bad things he's done to her and take the blame off her. It's a very sad situation. This should be the best years of their lives but it's the exact opposite. We all still hear about his high school girlfriend from over 50 years ago. I've asked her to see a counselor with me to work on our relationship. She asked me what my counselor will want to know. She refuses to go with me. When I told her that I feel like our relationship isn't important to her, her reply was "I'm not arguing with you". Any advice? Thanks for listening

[webster]

by the way, the Father's Day card I sent my dad offended my mom. Imagine that.

[mum as guest]

Webster: I am sorry your mom is so very difficult.  You are right to say that these issues with your dad are just that: between them.

I am divorced from my children's father, he is a real jerk, and it's obvious what he does and has done, but I will not be the one telling my children bad things about him.  He is their father, and it already hurts them enough that he is not the wonderful dad they deserve...I wouldn't hurt them more by pointing it out.  I am saddened that your parents are still married and don't know how saying bad things about the other parent hurts children (even adult ones) to the core.  Maybe only divorced people are given that advice?

You have a life beyond your parents, and although you have made valiant attempts to make that relationship better, so much of it is out of your  influence. Stick to your healthy boundaries. Relationships can't change if one party doesn't want it to.  Your mom is obviously enjoying being the ring leader/center of attention in this drama of hers. You are smart to step off stage.

Hang in there.  What a fool she was for missing her grand daughter's important days....what a fool.

[Plucky]

Webster, this is so sad!   It just goes to show that we do need to address our issues, because they don't go away on their own.

Is there a chance that your mom is experiencing some form of dementia?  This could have a medical basis.  Is she radically different from before?  If you have been posting before and answered all that, please forgive.

Wishing you all the strength you need to get through this.
Plucky

[Brigid]

Webster,
Welcome to this site.  I would definitely have your mother evaluated for dementia or some form of change in brain chemistry which would cause her to start acting so irrationally (at least from your description it appears to be a sudden onset).  I'm sure she won't be receptive to such an evaluation, but it will be up to the family members as a whole working together to make it happen.  However, if this is the way she has always been in some form or another, you have a different problem.

I know you don't want to get in the middle of it, but it sounds like your dad needs a lot of support right now and hopefully he has been the kind of parent that deserves that from you (not all of them do).

I wish you well.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi and welcome Webster:

What a difficult load of stuff for you to have to listen to!  No wonder you feel like you need a break.  Anyone would.  Sorry you are being treated as your mother's garbage can.   That's not nice or fair.  

When I told her that I feel like our relationship isn't important to her, her reply was "I'm not arguing with you".

At first, this comment might have hurt your feelings?  I think mine would be hurt by it.  But imo, this is not about your relationship with her, it's about her keeping her secrets ....secret.......and not revealing anything that might possibly be considered even slightly negative about herself, to another human being....especially.....someone she might not be able to influence so easily, like a therapist.

It's pretty hard to have a healthy relationship with people who are terrified of being anything other than perfect, which it seems she is trying to be, in a backward way (by making your dad out to be the great villan).   So her comment might seem like it reflects her feelings about your relationship with her but more probably....it reflects her fear of having to admit any responsibility in the relationship/or having said or done anything that would make her appear.....less than perfect.    I think her comment had more to do with her fear of looking bad....than any regard to your relationship, or her feelings about that relationship.

Keep posting and venting, Webster, if it helps.   It's not nice to have to deal with such stuff.  Good for you for seeking support here!

GFN

[webster]

Thanks for listening guys. It's nice to come here and talk and hear what you all have to say. My mom never has dealt with issues well. Seems easier to cut that person out of her life than sit down and talk a problem through. She can't cut my dad out because she needs him to survive. She's never had a job and wouldn't know how to take care of herself. I call them every 6 weeks or so to see how they are and share any news I might have. That even feels like too much sometimes. I feel bad for her because she's unable to deal with life the right way and her health isn't the best and that will only get worse. She doesn't tell me about her health problems, I find out from my sibs. She's unwilling to accept that she has responsibility in relationships and I've never seen her interested in working to make any relationship better. This isn't a new personaility trait she has, just more intense. I think she's not getting the pity she wants from everyone and can't handle it. I think everyone is tired of hearing it, knowing she's not interested in changing anything about it. Anyway, thanks again for listening. I don't talk about this issue much other than with my husband and a couple good friends. I know people here are dealing with the same stuff and can understand. Sometimes I just have to vent cause it's just not good to let this stuff build up. Thanks again.