X N putting kids in danger

[mia xo guesting]

My kids returned from their weekend visit with N DAD.

They were happy b/c they camped out in Dad's backyard.  I was pleased to see they had fun.

However, at bedtime my daughter revealed that Dad left them alone in the tent overnight.  She woke up Sat AM and Dad was gone.  She went inside the house and found Dad sleeping in his bed.  He said the he came in "during the night" b/c his back hurt.

X N's house sits on a lake.  His back door is about 20-25 feet from the water.

My son, 5, has a tendency to wake during the night and walks around in a "daze" when he has to use the potty.  Thankfully this didn't happen during the camp out.

Also, on his street a woman (who resides with her elderly parents) was arrested about a year ago for armed robbery (she was doped up at the time).  I don't even know if she is out on bail.

So,
1. He left a 5 and 7 yo unattended in his backyard for the night.
2. Risked having one or both of them drown.
3. Risked having some wacko kidnap them.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I have an email in to my attorney.

My Mom said it is almost as if he wants something to happen to the kids.
Please tell me this isn't so.

Mia

[mum]

Oh, Mia, how upsetting!  Your children are safe with you now, so breathe.
Contacting your attorney was the right thing to do. Don't take this on alone.
Not long ago, with the help of my attorney, I wrote a letter to my ex spelling out that I knew he was drinking and driving with the kids in the car and he needed to stop. It is the ONE thing he has NEVER responded to at all, usually any contact is an invitation to fight in his mind. I guess what could he say to defend it? Nothing.
I don't believe he has done it again, but who knows?  He has been warned and if he does it again there will be serious ramifications. Honestly, my attorney told me the "possibility" of something bad happening is not enough to prevent him from being with the kids.  And drinking does not always make someone incapacitated, so she said it's impossible to get him to agree to never have one drink when with them.
Very aggravating, as all it would take is ONE time, really, to have horrible consequences. But the notification was important.  I think it will be for you as well.

I think your situation would have more teeth in it because they are so young.....and with a lake and your son's sleepwalking etc.....I shudder to think!!!   Let your attorney draft a letter putting him on notice!!!
What a selfish moron!!! A good parent would NEVER have done that. Never.  I am angry and upset for you!!!!
Don't let it over take you. You have done the right thing.  Your children are now safe. You will make sure they continue to be. You are a power NOT to be messed with (mother bear!!).

Let me know what your attorney says.

[mum]

Oh, and by the way, I don't think he wants something to happen to the kids. He is just like my ex. He doesn't even think about anything but himself, 24/7.

[Plucky]

Oh Mia!  That would worry me too.  But as mum said it is over now.  No need to worry further.

I do agree with mum here:

Oh, and by the way, I don't think he wants something to happen to the kids. He is just like my ex. He doesn't even think about anything but himself, 24/7.

My H once insisted on keeping the sharp knives within reach in the lower part of the dishwasher while our 1.5 year old toddled around, no matter how many times I asked him to put them in last just before he shut it.  He just didn't want to change anything because I asked him.

One time, as we were arguing about it, my son went up and grabbed the sharp part of the knife in his hand.  Luckily he was not cut.  I think that was the first time I told my H that I hated him.  Bad me.

Or maybe it was the time he wanted to hurriedly buy a baby carseat that didn't fit properly in our car, so he could get home to watch a program he wanted to see.

All this to say, some people are not able to think of others first.  My H  is one of those, and sounds like yours is too.  It must have been fun being married to him.

All you can do is to make a lot of rules and force him to follow them to the extent you can.   Soon your kids will be old enough to look after themselves more.

Can you also ask questions about what he has planned for them?   And then assess the risks and make suggestions, if he will listen.

Good luck and don't worry yourself to death.
Plucky

[Anonymous]

No need to worry further.

Unfortunately, I do have to worry b/c X N will have more of these "camp outs" throughout the summer.  

My attorney has advised me to send him a letter.  Basically, I will threaten him with motioning the court with a decrease in his time alone with the children if continues to neglect the well being and safety of the children.

I'll wait and see if he doesn't respond like Mum's ex.  

Mum,

Thanks for the words of understanding and encouragement.

My daughter was scared about being left alone.  My son was clueless and would camp out again at Dad's in  a heart beat.  

I have always hated that he lives on a lake.  He's too lax with supervision of small children.  

The kids only have two dinner dates with him this week then we will be going away for two weeks.  Temporary freedom from N!

Mia

[Plucky]

X N will have more of these "camp outs" throughout the summer.

Ok this is scary.  Can they sleep in a life jacket?   But that does not solve the problem of being left alone. Will your daughter be afraid to tell the truth if he does it again?

[Anonymous]

Is your daughter responsible enough to use a cell phone to call you if this happens again? Or better still, to call 911? Nothing quite like having a few squad cars in the front yard at 7 in the morning, and it might be nice to have the police helping you reduce his visitation rights. All of a sudden it becomes their fight too.

[Anonymous]

My attorney has advised me to send him a letter.

Mia, I'm not impressed.  Why won't your attorney send the letter to your ex. him/herself?   It will have more weight, possibly, on lawyer letterhead, or at the very least, set a legal point at which you have made an attempt to protect your children (letter could become evidence...later???).  It could be sent by registered mail, so there is no argument about it getting there.

Maybe there's a reason you and your lawyer have decided for you to do the letter writing?  If so, that's your business.

This is serious dangerous stuff.  A legal action, even as small as a letter from a lawyer, may serve to shake your ex up a bit (if that's possible) , is what I was thinking.

Might be worth a try?  Especially since there may be more of these "camp outs".   Document.  Document.  Document.  (which you probably already are ).

(((((((Mia)))))))

Sorry for all you've been through and are facing.  You're doing a great job as a mom!  Keep your chin up girl!!

GFN

[mum]

Hey, GFN: my lawyer frequently asks me to draft letters to my ex, and I follow her advice, run them by her first, etc.  You have good questions. One reason, I think is that it is far cheaper and faster to have my lawyer check something I wrote, than to draft it herself. The other reason is that always trying something myself FIRST, shows that I am TRYING to resolve things with the jerk first, and not always heading for legal action.
The family courts like the FANTASY of divorced couples "working" together on parenting concerns.  Frustrating, yes!....as we all know the N's put on a show and we are the real deal.....

Mia, I would still ask you lawyer those questions, though....there may be other reasons for you.  And I would still get a cell phone for your daughter or have her call you immmediately if he plans a campout again.

Well, now that I think about it.....it scares me so much, too. Maybe you do need to get more teeth into your "letter".....threaten police action perhaps?
I doubt my ex will take the kids to the bar/restaurants again, but who knows....my son can drive if his dad is impaired, so it's totally different, really.

[mia guesting]

I faxed him the letter and I included in it that I contacted Child Services and gave him the worker's name and #.  My phone conversation was recorded by protective services but I didn't officially file anything since I was asking hypothetically.  I told him that according to  protective services he endangered the well being of the children and is guilty of neglect.

If anything of this nature occurs again I told him that I will be motioning the court for supervised visits.    

I also spoke with my friend.  Her husband is a cop and I gave him the scenario.  He said that *most* cops would not have called child services on X N.  They would have spoken with X N and made sure he took the kids inside.  No charges would have been filed....he would have been given a verbal warning.

I am getting my daughter a cell phone.  I just hope she doesn't misplace it or lose it over there.  She will have to sneak it b/c Dad restricts  her phone access and always has to "listen in".  

Also, daughter reports that Dad has been hanging with some creepy men.  One of these men has a habit of walking in on daughter while she is in the bathroom.  I have contacted a PI and I am going full force to get as much dirt as possible on X N and his "acquaintances".  I suspect drug use as well.  

Anyway, I'm getting my funds together to retain the PI.

Good news is that the kids aren't due for an overnight for four weeks.  I'm hoping to get things rolling and get something that will help pull the plug on unsupervised visits with Dad.  

This is going to be hard.  The courts want the Dads involved so I have a lot to prove.

Keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming this way.

Best wishes all.
Mia

[miaxo]

AND...

If anyone ever used a PI and give me some pointers it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.
Mia

[mum]

Just sending you love and courage, Mia. You are a fantastic mother. I don't know about a PI.....but it seems like a good idea.  Your attorney will advise you best on that.  ((((((((((Mia))))))))))))

[Plucky]

Also, daughter reports that Dad has been hanging with some creepy men. One of these men has a habit of walking in on daughter while she is in the bathroom. I have contacted a PI and I am going full force to get as much dirt as possible on X N and his "acquaintances". I suspect drug use as well. ...This is going to be hard. The courts want the Dads involved so I have a lot to prove.

Oh man!!!!! may the force be with you.  You are doing right.  Make sure someone else witnesses your daughter saying what she said about the creepy man.  People have trouble believing small children, expecially if your ex is persuasive, and they say the mom puts her up to it.  I would not want to risk even one more visit.  If it is hard for you to make that happen, that is so unfair!   I'm sorry I can't be of more help than to be outraged and cheer you on.  All I know about PIs comes from watching Matlock.   Thank God for mothers!!!!!!   Thank God your kids have you to protect them!  Tell your daughter to lock the bathroom!  If the unthinkable happens and she ends up back there.    Sorry I'm a bit scattered but this is shocking and unsafe.  You are doing well to be so collected.    Do whatever you have to in order to protect her.
Plucky

[mia guest]

My daughter and son had their regular dinner date with X N tonight.

My daughter returned home very guarded.  She brought up on her own, "Dad didn't leave us in the tent".

I gently reminded her that she had to go in the house to wake Dad the next morning.  She became very nervous and said, "Maybe I didn't remember it right."  She was doubting her own experience of what happened.

Hmmmmm......I wonder who intimidated her during dinner tonight????

I dropped the subject and just now at bedtime I told her that she had a good strong mind, superb brain, and awesome memory.  I told her that I know her teachers would agree with Mommy.  I told her that she knows the truth and no one can force her to believe something else.  I reassured her that Jesus knows the truth and that we should give thanks that God was watching over her and her brother that night and helped to keep them safe.  Her guard went down and she said, "I did have to wake up Dad .  He was sleeping in his bed."

I reinforced that I'm interested in her safety and her brother's safety.  That's all that matters.  She promised that she will call me if she is ever put in that situation again.  Dad apparently told her that he will continue his camp outs.

Right now my husband is out.  He followed X N.  We're hoping to get plate #'s of the creepy guy.  All I have now is a first name, a vague description of his vehicle, and a pretty good physical description of the guy. I will be able to get a background check (see if he has a criminal record/sex offender, etc) ran for me if I can get the plate #.  

It's insane that we have to resort to these tactics.  

X N was always a white collar executive who had a recreational drug habit.  Creepy guy fits neatly into the pic as his supplier who also stays and parties with him.  No proof yet.  Basing all of this on my past with X N and my gut.

Mia

[mum]

I am so impressed by the way you talked to your daughter. I don't know if I could be so smart.  Good job. I'm also encouraged that you have a nice husband to help you with this.  You are both smart and I am half hoping the guy is involved in something awful and you expose it NOW before anything else happens involving your children..... and that you can get away from this fool very soon.
Hmmm. Can you send him another email telling him you know how he tried to manipulate your daughter?  Keep the paper trail going......
Take care.