struggle to gain a voice w/ opinionated partner

[hey_dahl]

Hello everyone,
Does anyone out there have experience with this? As I child of an N mother, I now realise just how voiceless I am. And funny enough, I find now, that I am with a partner who really knows how to talk. He has an opinion on everything and really 'takes up space' in a room. When it's just the 2 of us at home, quite often, he is perfectly happy to pause the movie we're watching and go on a 5 min rant about his opinion on whatever it is we've just seen--not really looking for any response.
I've only just begun to find my voice, and access my own thoughts and emotions, so I would really like to be allowed to let them to come out a bit more. I understand that my thoughts can sometimes be a bit "basic" or "redundant" because just the act of accessing my own opinion and actually verbalising it is such a big deal. I haven't really gotten to the point of reaching deeper.
But my partner, rather than encouraging when I say *anything*, instead glosses over what I've said if he deems it redundant or not contributory, and continues on with his (many) points. He's quite intelligent and perceptive, but the rants and monologues have been to frustrate me because even when I confront him about it, he just says that I saying things for the sake of saying things, rather than actually having something to say.

What do you think?
hey_dahl

[Anonymous]

Hi hey_dahl,

In this situation your partner sounds patronizing, pompous, boring, irritating and obnoxious. I would put some boundaries on the situation. The next time he pauses the movie to rant, I'd interrupt him and say, "I would like to watch the movie. Can you please turn it back on?" I would NOT try to get him to "understand" - an exercise in futility. I'd just block the behavior and let him fume/get angry. If it's either him or you doing the fuming, I say let it be him. If he says, "You're just talking to talk, you have nothing to say," my reply would be, "That hurts my feelings. If I'm speaking, I have something to say and I wish that you'd listen to it and not put it down. Thanks."

bunny

[mum]

hey Dahl.  You are describing my second husband to a tee!!!  He was (is) always the center of attention and my purpose was to make him look good/normal/well to do/not gay/ whatever.  Who I was as an individual did not matter a wit (except what it meant to how he appeared).  When he couldn't keep up pretenses and how much he hated my children came through.....we divorced. Now he is with a very very nice woman, fresh off a divorce to a mean N.....interesting pattern.

I did not have an N parent, but did have a first husband who was textbook "mean" N.  This next guy was "flashy" N.  Unfortunately, under the veneer.....there's nothing but pain and trouble in both of them.

Bunny is right. Set some boundaries.  Be a woman, not a mouse.
You matter....you count.....you DO have something valuable to contribute.  LOVE doesn't make people feel that way, by the way.

You need to BE someone....not to him (he will never see that IMO) but for yourself.  If healing is to occur in this one sided relationship.....it will only happen when you start loving yourself enough to NOT put up with this dismissive and hurtful behavoir of his.
You might try therapy...it certainly helped me see myself differently (truly).  Bless you and let us know how it's going.  You deserve more than this (everybody does).

[Serena]

I don't care if he is Einstein, he has no right to 'pause' a movie for a monologue of his thoughts.

Respectfully, have you ever thought he might have more in common with your mother?

Having said that, I often wished my N-Mum had 'paused the movie' instead of incessantly talking throughout it.

[dogbit]

He was (is) always the center of attention and my purpose was to make him look good/normal/well to do/not gay/ whatever. Who I was as an individual did not matter a wit (except what it meant to how he appeared). When he couldn't keep up pretenses and how much he hated my children came through.....we divorced.

Mum!  You described me to a T.  I finally realized my husband never loved me.  He only loved what I could do for him.  I and my kids made him look normal/not gay/ etc.  When I filed for divorce, he immediately let the kids know they were persona non grata as well as myself.  I feel bad for the kids but they reassure me they never had a relationship with him anyway so not to worry.  Bittles

[mum]

Wow, Bittles.  Where do they come from? Aliens?  Jeeez Louise.  My kids assure me they could care less that I divorced that sorry excuse for a man.  
About 6 months or more before he left, he was being rude to my kids (as was his style) and I told him that I would not allow him to speak to my children that way.  So he stopped talking to them all together. Entire weeks would go by where he didn't say one word to them, and he never noticed my heart breaking....
 My daughter rejoiced in our divorce, my son simply said: I hope he's not too sad (my son is particularly forgiving).  Other than that we hardly noticed he was gone....except mom was a LOT HAPPIER!!!
Nice to know I wasn't the only one with that particular type of N to shake off.

[Plucky]

My daughter rejoiced in our divorce, my son simply said: I hope he's not too sad (my son is particularly forgiving). Other than that we hardly noticed he was gone....except mom was a LOT HAPPIER!!!

Another happy ending!   Yaye!   I hope I can look forward to such a success story.
Plucky

[Moira]

Funny how Ns hate to have anyone- let alone their source of N supply!- respond to their rants instead of listening adoringly and supporting them. Once the worm turns and finds her own voice- I'm referring to myself, not you!- it's a guarantee of provoking their wrath. what??? You actually have something to say, let alone something that might disagree with their opinions. My ex N used to constantly tell me I was stupid, crazy, " that's not what they said", didn't I have a sense of humour etc. Don't bother trying to confront Ns on ANYTHING. It's always a losing prospect and they'll drive you nuts. You can never have an N ever understand, let alone respect, your beliefs, opinions etc. If they did, that would be taking away from their attention seeking! If you want your N to stay and continue abusing you, the best bet is to not have any opinion, accept all their bullshit. Remeber if you confront and argue this is just supplying them with hostility- which they also thrive on being yet another source of attention. The best way to get rid of your N is to not react at all to their actions or words, act bored and always ignore  them. Now you're removing all and any attention- hell for a N.

[write]

Read The Verbally abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, it was a big help to me.