Well, it has been a while since I really posted here. I've kept up with the threads (not always easy!
) and I've replied to a few threads where they really got my attention.
I feel strange (tough time describing it) and I've been waiting to figure it out before I posted here. I sort of realized today that I'm a lot more likely to figure it out by posting here than trying to do it all on my own.
A brief recap for all the new folks (glad you're here
): I moved out about 2 months ago from my wife of 17 years. I have known something was very wrong in our relationship almost since the beginning, but it is only recently that I figured out that she seems to have Borderline PD (high-functioning) and that I am very Co-Dependent (staying 17 unhappy years...). We have a 16YO daughter. That's probably too brief, but feel free to ask questions.
I am so much happier and more peaceful since I left that I can't tell you. My original therapist told me that one day life would be sweeter than I could imagine. Well, it has finally happened! I wake up thankful for every single day. I have joy in just being alive. I feel like I can actually do all the things that I've been wanting to do for so long, but have put off by"working on the relationship." I did realize today that this is part of what has kept me from posting here. I feel a sort of survivors guilt for having things going well in my life. I feel guilty for posting this here, like it's bragging, even though I fully realize that I wouldn't BE at this wonderful point if it weren't for others here who posted about how good life could be. I am also aware of all the hard work I had to do to be able to take these steps and make these choices. My brain and my heart are not always in agreement about these things until they've had time to work it out.
It would take a miracle for both my wife AND myself to stay together at this point. I have not had any desire to "get back tegether" or anything like that at all. There have been a couple of times when I saw her driving around town and was tempted for a (very!) brief moment to follow her and find out more about what she was doing. I was able to squash that right away and recognize my coey side kicking in. My wife is the nicest to me now than she has been since we got married. I have to admit that I'm not looking forward to what I expect from her when I go forward with the divorce.
I am taking my time and working through the issues that come up for me around the separation. There are just some things that don't come up until you get close enough to stare them in the face, you know. I am seeing a counsellor now who is really helping me to work through issues and is validating and supportive while still pushing me to grow.
I realized that one of the other reasons that I have been putting off posting here is that I just have too much stuff rattling around my brain to post a single topic thread and then stick to that topic. I'm not sure that my previous "blog" posting is the most satisfying way to do it either, but this is starting to look like that as well. Oh well, I just have too many topics going on to pick one. Feel free to respond to some, all, or none of my points.
Just getting them off my chest helps tremendously.
The one down side to what is going on right now is that my daughter seems more distant. She tells me that everything is OK when I ask, but doesn't come around very often and seems to "forget" more that usual (she is a teen) to keep plans with me. I am trying not to push, but I am disappointed. I don't want to put too much pressure on her right now and am hoping that my perseverance will pay off in the end. I have a couple of pieces of furniture coming (that she picked out) to finish my daughter's room here at my place. She still hasn't spent the night even though the bed has been here for a month now. I haven't pushed it. I'm really not sure how to let my daughter know that I want to spend more time with her without putting extra pressure on her.
My D has asked to go see the therapist my wife is seeing. I'm not too thrilled about that. Yes, that is the same therapist who (in my opinion) blew the couples therapy between my wife and I. I'm not saying it would have worked out otherwise, but it could have been handled much better. I had sent my D a couple of lists of other therapists previously and talked with her about it, but I'm not sure what happened there. I am glad to have my D talk to someone and be able to get help with a difficult situation. I just hope that this T will be more objective with her than she was with my wife and I. All this with my D makes my stomach churn some, but even this can't dampen the fact that life is good these days. I guess I'm giving myself a hard time too because I'm telling myself that this situation is nothing compared to what others here have written about here. Yuck. I'm so tired having to beat off all the nasty voices that whisper lies in my ear.
It is bad enough for me right now, and I'm grateful it isn't worse.
I guess the other piece of feeling strange is that I'm not really sure what to "do" right now. I keep busy working on my "To Do" list and have gotten a lot done that way. But, what do I DO with the rest of my life? I know, I 'll probably figure that out one of these days. I've just never been patient being "in between." I did take a day trip to the city we lived in about 10 years ago. I hadn't been back in a long time. I drove by where we used to live, where I worked, restaurants I ate at, places I went, etc., etc. I was surprised, but I felt really sad, while at the same time like I was getting some pieces of *me* back. Has anyone else experienced something like this when visiting places from the past?
From looking over this post, I realize that the reason I probably feel confused about my feelings so often is that I have so many different feelings about different things going on all at the same time. It has its pluses and I associate it with being sensitive and intuitive, but it is also hard to deal with sometimes. I wonder if that will change one day when I have worked out a lot more stuff? Oh well, I'll choose to look on the bright side now and see that there is probably something in here that almost everyone can reply to. It feels like I am really back after writing all this. I'm glad.
P.S. I'm glad I'm learning how to be brief.
