What now?

[Brigid]

Daylily & Longtire,

Daylily said:

quote]So while I agree that you should give her space, I also feel that you should continue to make specific dates with her, pull her (gently) towards you. That's not at all the same thing as asking her to take care of you; it's letting her know very concretely that you will not allow her to pull out of your relationship. [/quote]

Longtire, I think this is really good advice.  I KNOW that my 16 year-old daughter is hurt by how little her father is interested in her life, but she will never admit it to me or anyone.  The worst of it is my x tries to make her feel guilty for not spending more time with him.  This she has admitted to me and it makes me furious.

Teenagers don't want you to know that they still need you.  You just need to make yourself available on their terms and wait for those moments when they casually (or desperately--depending on the situation) ask for advice or help.  Its harder when she is not with you all the time, but just keep making yourself available.  During the times you are together, demonstrate how interested you are in what is going on in her life.  Make sure to attend as many of her events as possible.  Keep yourself actively involved in her school activities and aware of the classes she is taking.  The more intelligently (rather than lamely) you can talk with her about what's going on, the more she will share.  Do you have a common interest that you can get more involved with, i.e., music, biking, tennis, hiking--or can you try to find something to get involved with together.  Even spending a day shopping with her (without losing your mind--not easy I know), will show how much time with her means to you.

These are just a few suggestions of things I wish my father had done with me and that I wish my xh would consider doing with his daughter.

God bless,

Brigid

[Plucky]

Even spending a day shopping with her (without losing your mind--not easy I know), will show how much time with her means to you.

Brigid, this is brilliant!   A day of shopping!  At once you can demonstrate
- her independence: she can select her own things
- her ability to depend on you:  you can give her x amount of money and a ride
- that you think she is your baby: carry her bags, ask her if she's tired
-that you think she is a grown up beautiful woman: tell her she looks lovely over and over in each outfit.  So important at this age.
- how cool she is and how old you are. let her bring you up to date on the teenage world.

unless your daughter is not the type to like shopping.  I didn't. but I was strange.  go for it!
Plucky

[longtire]

Hi longtire,
thank you for sharing your thoughts.  You are like the first one to conquer Mt. Everest to me.  I am at the foot of a tall mountain, wondering if I can scale it or whether I should just set up camp right here.  Thanks for showing the way.  You may not feel that you have arrived where you are going. but you have made great strides and are an inspiration to others.
Plucky

Thanks Plucky.  It feels like in the movies where the hero struggles halfway out of the ocean after being shipwrecked and collapses  from exhaustion, still half in the waves.  It helps to have a reminder that no matter how it feels to me right now, I *am* out.  A little out or a lot out, out is out.  I still feel like I get a lot more wisdom from reading what others say here, but I'm trusting that hopefully I am not just talking into the wind and someone may get something helpful from what I write.

Daylily and Brigid, I realized that I am the adult (sometimes I forget that ) and need to set the tone for our relationship.  She can still choose her response to me, but I can choose to be present and supportive regardless.  I can remind her that I'm still here and won't go away.  I can let her know that I accept her and understand that she will need time to comprehend all these changes that affect her.

I have taken her shopping several times for things for her room and to decorate her bathroom.  The bed, sheet blanket, dressser, nightstand, bath towels, color schemes, etc.  She absolutely loves shopping, so not only is that something we could do together, but I hope it gives her a bit more feeling of control and choice in everything that is happening right now.

[OR]

Hey Long, How are you doing?

I hope all is going great with you.

Just wanted to check on you. ..........OR

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Longtire, 

I'm so glad to hear your good news.  I've taken a break from the board myself.  I pray for your relationship with your daughter.  I don't have much time right now...just wanted to check in.

chutzbagirl   

[longtire]

I'm so glad to hear your good news.  I've taken a break from the board myself.  I pray for your relationship with your daughter.  I don't have much time right now...just wanted to check in.

Hi Chutzbagirl, glad you're back!

I will take all the prayers and good thought I can get for my relationship with my daughter.  I really enjoy spending time with her, and she enjoys spending it with me.  I do detect some passive-aggressiveness about getting together.  I can't tell whether it is normal teenage stuff, the fact that I moved out and she is angry with me or doesn't trust me to not leave her, loyalty to her mom, or she is trying to "take care" of her mom by not acting like she wants to be close to me.  Most likely it is a whole confusing combination of all of the above.  My daughter is now seeing a therapist on a regular basis, so I hope that once she has built up the necessary trust with her therapist, she will be able to work through some of this.

[chutzbagirl]

Howdy Longtire, (my INTJ friend  )

I suspect your daughter's behavior is a combo of all the above.  Considering her M's state of mind, I would guess she has also learned to be a 'caretaker'.  She is probably experiencing an uncomfortable level of emotional conflict and ambivalence. 

You are her 'safe' parent - the parent that can handle her anger and ambivalence.  Fortunately/unfortunately you have the job of showing her unconditional love.  Hang in there Longtire, it will pay off.  My bio D didn't fight for me - he allowed me to be adopted because he couldn't handle my N M or other relatives.  As an adult, I can kinda understand why a traumatized/newly alcoholic Vietnam Vet couldn't dealt with the situation; but as a child/teen it felt horrible.  I remember wishing he would gallantly rescue me from my living hell.  (Fortunately we have reconciled and have a friendly relationship.  He's still a bit flakey for me.  But, I'm glad to see that I got some of my heart/personality from him.  He is a very big hearted man.)

Anyways,  I pray your daughter will be freed of her unnecessary and unhealthy loyalty to her M.  It takes courage to change and change takes time.  I'll pray she is given courage to face her truths.  It stinks to have a sick M.   

I'm glad you're happy Longtire.  I pray you are free to relish your joy and be grateful.  Don't worry about the 'survivial guilt'.  We are all equally cared for and are all free to make choices that lead towards or away from our own health.  In the midst of my grief it has been hard for me to remember that God actually desires to bless and he longs to see us joyful.  No doubt he is more concerned with our character than our 'fun', but he is generous, loving and good.  We are the ones who mess things up!

Take care and do something totally frivolous on my behalf!   

chutzbagirl